Well this makes it sound like my life is over and I have missed some great chance to do something wonderful. I hope I still have time to do all the things I want to. Actually like the 101 things list which was fun to do I was actually thinking of doing a sort of a bucket list.
There are no big things that I feel by 33 I should have done and look back with regret at time wasted. I have traveled quite a bit but would love to do more, I have lived in different countries, I have been blessed with beautiful children and now and wonderful wonderful man.
I wish more for attitude than action, moan less, enjoy more, love more, laugh more and all those good things because it is all too short not to.
And on that note we went on a totally spontaneous road trip today. Yme had to go to Swellendam for work and asked if we wanted to tag along in the car, we could drop him off mooch around and then come and fetch him afterwards. As we were driving I just commented how lucky we are, any direction we head from our house is beautiful, we have the drive into CT with such a gorgeous view of Table Mountain, we have winelands the one way, the beauty of the westcoast the other way and of course the lovely beach just down the road. I loved driving today and just look at how pretty the winelands and fruit growing country is in the Western Cape.
What I wish for my life is more of today.
AJ has written more or less what I think so seeing as I am a day or so behind I just point you to his post
Like all things I am fairly liberal and I am not sure that making things illegal has helped in any way shape or form. People are still responsible for their actions so yes drunk driving should still be very illegal etc.
Anyway go read what AJ says – cop out I know but I call it time saving 😉
Oh and while we are on the topic of alcohol can I just say that I miss St Claires and my evening glass of builders wine. I don’t care what anyone thinks as soon as ‘Koos’ is born I am having a celebratory glass!
I stood on my balcony tonight and I thought I am not without hope and I do believe that the dream will be real one day. I don’t want to give the impression that I am without hope. It is just sometimes when you want something badly you can open yourself up to the dream sooner than it is ready to be a reality.
I think this is what I was trying to say the other night. It is not that I do not believe it is just that sometimes when you think the dream is within your grasp and really it is not that it can hurt you to hope.
Conversation is amazing, the power of words and ideas never ceases to fill me with awe. People can have such a profound effect on your life just by saying things that make you think or that challenge where you are at. One conversation today made me think about me. Why I draw people to me so easily. I think it is because I am a very honest and open person, people feel drawn to the energy or something. I like who I am a lot. There is very little self doubt really. Does that make me sound arrogant? Maybe but it is not. I know who I am and I like me, I have a lot to give. I am a giver my nature. I want to be needed, I am a nurse after all. it means we come with a slightly pathological desire to be needed 😉 Until someone is ready to be in my life totally and to want all of me as imperfect as I am, I need to be careful of those I draw to me.
But I am okay, I am enough just as I am. I smiled while I stood there tonight in the quiet with my glass of wine and thought how luck I am and how many fantastic people I have in my life. True beautiful amazing people. Some people are never as luck as to have so many great friends. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have a group of friends that will do anything for me. Not everyone has that, and I never ever want to take that for granted.
If I tell you how corny I was tonight, just smile and know that I am okay. I stood there and I did the titanic pose, you know the one she does with her arms thrown up in the arm as if embracing all that the world has to offer, sure I had no Leonardo DiCaprio behind me but it did not matter. I am lucky and blessed just as I am. I had a good giggle at myself.
Someone told me you have to ‘Love like you have never been hurt.’ I thought it sounded impossible but you know it is true. Love is always a risk but it is so worth every minute. I know how truly wonderful it can feel and how it is everything they say it is and more.
So this is my letter to the Universe
You know how lonely I feel at times and how much I would love to share this great joy I have for life with someone else. I know that I have the ability to draw people to me. Please help me to see what I can give to them and what they need. But until I find the one that is ready for all of me, my big emotions and chaotic life, please guard my heart, but never so much that I miss the chance to risk all for love.
Yes yes I know that sounds like a spoiled child stamping her feet and I guess it pretty much is. I apparently threw spectacular tantrums as a child. They were dealt with severely as big emotion was not allowed or understood in my family. So I learned to suppress a lot but it does not change the fact that when I can’t do it my way I want to jump up and down. Well no that is not actually true today I want to just be able to talk, to understand more and to support as best I can.
But it is hard when you have have big emotions to sit on the side line and wait. I want to jump in, not part of me all of me. I want to be able to give everything I have and can because it would make someone else life easier. It is not a case of being selfish and just wanting my own way because it benefits me, actually the opposite, at the moment I just really want to be allowed to help some I care about. But they need me not to and it is killing me. I am not patient and long suffering. I am dramatic and over the top.
My mind is racing I am struggling to focus and sit still. Thank goodness for Tanya on line last night. She calmed me and understood me and challenged me. I love my friends.
Plenty of distractions are going to be necessary these next 3 weeks. Anyone got wine?
Today I said to a friend who is going through a very rough time that sometime we survive because we have to and not because we want to. That is how I feel today. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to struggle to juggle and balance all the things I have to do. There is just too much. I can’t keep all the balls in the air at the same time, invariably something gets dropped or not done or I have guilt the size of the continent that the kids are not getting my full attention even when they get it.
I am finished, I am short tempered, feel overwhlemed most of the time and I just want a break. I love my kids more than life itself but at the moment I feel like I need to be quite far away from them so I can take stock, rest, restore myself and then I can give my best to them again.
BUT and this is a huge but I am terrified to actually do it, because my brain does not stop and the only way to drown it out is to be so busy that I don’t have time to think. I live on a few hours sleep a night at the verge of seer exhaustion. I eat a bit more than I did before but only when I really have to. I don’t even have the energy to run. Will it just be a Pandora’s box that I can’t close again?
Maybe I need to stop hiding from my feelings like I said in the poem earlier in the week, maybe I just need to be quiet and let the feelings come, feel them fully. Let the tears come without stopping them and just let this emotion run its course. See the thing is I am too terrified to do this alone. I am not the sort of person that like to be alone anyway and to be surrounded by the full extent and depth of my emotions without a soul around would be too much. But who on earth do you trust with that sort of task? Who in there right mind wants a mad crying woman sobbing for hours and if they were around would I feel uninhibited enough to explore this? I actually think that when I open up take out all these emotions and have a good look at them they may not be as scary as I first thought. All I really want in this process is understanding and comfort and someone who understands pain is not intimidated by it but also does not feel the need to try make it better.
Make me coffee, run me a bath, pour me wine, let me moan, hold me when I cry and be able to say nothing – yes. But need to make it better -No. I need to do that. I need to find the way myself.
I have a fantastic life, I have 2 amazing kids, a company I love with some exciting and new prospects on the horizon. I have wonderful wonderful friends who support me and most of all I am usually a happy person inside. I love life and there is so much I want to experience. I am just tired and for now would love a week to get off my mad life roller coaster and just breathe. Yes it will hurt but then maybe after a while it won’t hurt so much anymore.
I got a card from a friend in the post. I hardly ever get post anymore, not the nice kind anyway. It was actually quite nice to open and enverlope and see the surprise inside. I love surprises. My mom and my ex are both very bad at surprises they told me before hand about my surprise kitchen tea party! I know it is practical to ask me before what gifts I might want or like but just once I would love to be surprised. I want to open a box and have no idea what is inside. I want to be take away on a surprise weekend away etc. I am a total romantic at heart and even little surprises make me feel all warm and fuzzy. And it is not about money at all, running me a bubble bath,have candles around, my book and a glass a wine and I will swoon.
So back to my card I got in the post it was not expected and yet it really arrived a day it was very needed. The part I love most about getting a surprise like this is knowing that you are loved because someone went to the trouble of thinking of me and planning to do something nice.
This is what my card said
You Are One of the Strongest Women I Know
Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles,
but they still choose to walk it because it’s the right one for them
Strong women are those who make mistakes, who admit to them,
learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.
They fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.
Strong women face the daily trials of life, sometimes with a tear,
but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.
Most of the time I do not feel like a strong woman at all, I feel like a mess. But the first part of this poem is so true for me this path I have chosen now is not easy. But I do it because it is right for me not because it is comfortable.
It was a quiet weekend actually, we spent a lot of time with Laura and her kids. We were there Friday afternoon, they came to us on Saturday for lunch and the afternoon and then we were at a braai today with another single mom. Wine was consumed, laughs were had and life was discussed.
My sweet boy – his sister threw a rock at him yesterday, poor little guy.
Rachel looking cheeky as ever
Cold Kiara after they played in the sprinklers
The awesome Laura braaied for the many many children.
Caleb loves Cameron and took his lunch straight to where Cameron was sitting. A bit of big boy hero worship.
Laura and I are similar in a lot of ways and I never realized how well she could understand me and read me until I was telling her something and she just said ‘oh I knew that already’ I had not needed to tell her she just sensed where I was at and what was happening in my life. She is a lot further along her journey as a single mom than me and her support and understand really helps. I can share things with her that few others would understand and even when I think she gets frustrated at my choices she is always supportive and protective of me.
Thanks Laura – you rock
This seems to be the key. Laura and I took the kids to the park yesterday morning. They had a great time and it was so nice to sit out in the sun for awhile. I got sunburnt! Not a lot but still a touch pink. Who gets sunburnt in August?!? Laura took some really cute pics of the kids but they were deleted later that night – a long story.
I was at one point in the evening quite happy to just stay home and be a bit emo, but Laura and friends convinced me to go to a house party/braai which turned out to be such fun, but not in the traditional sense. I was a lot more sober than other people and it was just so funny to watch people’s interactions. I have not laughed so much in ages. The new boobs were on display and it is amazing how having silicone in your boobs makes them public property. Everyone wants to have a feel. Good thing it really does not bother me. It was quite nice to hear all the positive feedback.
Today again I was reminded how awesome it is to have great friends. Ansie just called us to say she had made lunch we must all come over so Laura, me and Barbara and all our many many kids spent the afternoon in Ansie’s garden drinking wine and discussing life.
Tonight when I got home I was in my usual stressed Get-kids-feed-and-to-bed mode and suddenly Caleb and I started playing and laughing and before long we were all having fun being silly. It was so nice to be Fun Mommy and not just Grumpy-surviving-barely Mommy. Amazing how much smoother the nights preparations for bed went because we were having fun. So my focus and moto for this week is as much fun with my small people as possible!! They have had a rough time these past months too and they are what get me through each day. This week is about fun.