This is a very arb post about my running and weight and exercise so feel free to skip it.
Within a day of each other Laura and my mom mentioned that I should start running again, and I know ( well I think) it was not to do with my weight, but the scale says I have put on 8,5kg maybe even a bit more. I am an emotional non eater and lost a lot of weight at one point but it seem like when I am happy I can eat for about 5, or maybe it is just too many chocolate raisins.
So miserable you can have me thin, but make me happy I might start piling on the kg’s. Now I know that so many of you are going to hate me but I have never dieted in my life. Sure I have done a detox or 2 but never a diet for weight. I am almost sure that I could not do it. So I will run again instead. I tend to get thin running and besides I have decided to get my ass in gear and at least try do the half marathon for the 2 oceans. I know I was going to do the full thing but it just slipped away from me.
So I am going to be a bit geeky and blog my running stats, I will hopefully also find an on line logbook type thing to use too.
Start day 11/01/2010
resting pulse: 70
pace: max 6:20 average: 7:13
heart rate: max 183 average 164
yes yes I know they are all shockingly bad but hey it was day one.
Rachel wanted to take a photo of post run Mommy – not pretty
Not sure why I feel the need to blog this one but it has been floating around in my head for a while now so it needs to come out. I thought about it on my run and I realized that I like being thin, no I mean I really really like being thin. I have lost a lot of weight since I arrived back in South Africa back in January. As i have said before I am a stress non-eater so when times are tough it is hard for me to eat at all.
I am trying to figure out why every time I get onto the scale and I weigh less I actually quite like the feeling. I know that I am now bordering on getting just a little too thin and that I really should not loose any more weight but still when you weigh that 500g -1kg less it still feels good. Are we so conditioned by our society that loosing weight is always seen as a good thing?
Or is it the one thing that I have control over at the moment when all else feels like it is falling apart? I can control what I eat and if i don’t feel like it then it seems okay to go with that. I don’t feel as bad about eating as I did before, after my chat with D I was more able to get stuff into my mouth and actually swallow it. But I still have no appetite and could quite easily do without eating – well yes i know I could not do without it on a biological level but from a hunger point I could.
My first thought when I was able to eat again was ‘oh no now I will put on weight’ – I am sure that is not normal! So when I started running I thought ‘oh good at least it will help keep the weight off’
Quite a few men in my life over the years have indicated that putting on weight equals a withdrawal of affection. My ex did not like it when I put on weight after my kids. All this rolled in with the fact that I always got positive attention from people when I was younger for being so tall and thin, I think being thin is something I equate with feeling good about myself.
I guess putting this is black and white makes me look at it and the reasons I do things. I am not too thin yet – but i know it would not take much for me to go down that road.
This is take-2 on today’s blog, the other is left in my drafts and I am sure it is where it should stay. Just far too much emo-ness going on in it and I am guess there are very few people that really want to read any more emo here, so lets stick to all the rad things that happened today.
1) my boobs went for their 6 week check up and have been given the all clear to run. I bought them a new running bra called the Shock Absorber Hahaha not that they move anywhere anyway! Running here we come
2) I won R1000 Woolies voucher from Women24 for re-tweeting their competition! I have never won anything in my life so this is really cool.
3) Had 2 good business meetings today – exciting things happening all round. I just wish I knew more about websites and SEO than I do. I should have studied computers not nursing.
4) I bought some nice pink shoes but am considering not going to what I was going to wear them to.
Seeking the positive and I know these are all good things so lets just focus on them.
It has been ages since I last ran and I am really starting to get rather fidgety. Tomorrow is 5 weeks since the new boobs, that I am totally in love with by the way! Monday I go for my last check up and hopefully get the all clear to start run again. So I now need to go and get sports bra to run with. I just never bothered with a bra when running before, well to be honest I just never bother with a bra most of the time, but the new boobs will need support so they don’t fall down and land up around my belly button – not the look I was going for! The natural droop is one thing, but 2 foreign silicon circles migrating to my stomach is another. This unfortunate stage of affairs is called ‘Bottoming Out’ btw and for some very interesting pictures Google is your friend. Bottoming Out is one of the post boob op complication I was warned about and although totally correctable it is one I would really rather avoid. So an uber tight boobs-going-nowhere sport bra is on the shopping list.
Running is my happy drug it really makes me feel heaps better about myself and my world. You can sort out so many things in your head while you run. Maybe it is all the bouncing around that jostles the thoughts into some coherent pattern or maybe it is the forward motion that makes you see ways to get things in my life moving forward too, or maybe it is just the fresh air and time to think away from the constant demand on my attention from kids, computer, work, twitter, blogs, phone, friends and life in general. I know no one is going to talk to me and it is one of the few times I get with just me and my thoughts.
I was told that running is going to age me with all that bouncing up and down and that I am going to look like an old hag soon. Cycling was recommended, but there are a few problems with this suggestion. Well there is only one problem really it just has numerous potentially disastrous outcomes. I CAN’T ride a bike. Yes yes I know but what is a girl to do? I have a bike, a very fancy (so I am told as I know nothing about bikes) mountain bike with gears and all. My ex did try to teach me, but I am terrified and I still maintain if you did not learn as a kid you have very little hope as an adult. While there is less impact riding a bike when you know how, the impact of me falling off all the time is not going to do anything for my looks either. Okay so my skin might not sag as much but I will be covered in scars, I might lose a limb or even better yet be killed and then all I will have achieved is being a young pretty corpse! And bikes need maintenance and get punctures and all these things that I have no idea how to solve – No D I don’t want to learn 😉
No it is just going to have to be running, well slow plodding to be honest especially after these few sedentary weeks. All I need is me and a pair of shoes. Besides now that I can eat again, I need to run or the kg’s are going to start piling on. 2 Oceans here I come.
I run because I have to. I know that sounds weird but running is like my happy pills. It makes me feel good. I love that I need nothing more and a good pair of shoes and the body I have. Well I do need to rope in a baby sitter but the Grandparents are usually more than willing.
While I run it is just me, and at the moment since my ipod is on the to-do list, and my thoughts. Maybe it is the forward motion of running but I always feel better and am able to have clearer more creative thoughts when I run. What I ‘write’ in my head when running is always so much better than when I come to sit down and actually get it out. Maybe I need some sort of a voice recorder that I can use when I run.
Somehow making out the words through the puffing and panting might be hard and I think that vocalizing what it is I am thinking will stop the free flow of ideas. I will just have to be resigned to the fact that what comes out in written word will never be quite as good as it was in my head but at least the ideas have a place to start.