Touching lives

I have always believed in the power of sharing your story and owning your truth. I was reminded how sometimes simply sharing your experience can connect you with someone else for a profound moment. Seeing as it was Women’s Day today it seemed fitting to share this story.

At the expo I did in Joburg with Carle I had the following experience. I was chatting to a lady about crocheting socks, she was a vendor at a stall a couple down from us. As we were chatting I overheard 2 of the other ladies saying “not that I will ever get married again, but if I do this is such a nice idea” – she was paging through a magazine. I never saw what she was talking about, but being a bit of a big mouth, I could not help but pipe up “I also said I would never get married again and now I am” She looked at me as if to say; Yes, but you don’t know where I have come from. She then said “can I ask you something personal, why do you have pink hair”. I told her that after my disastrous marriage I came out having lost who I was, and very very sad. The pink hair was the road to finding myself. It made me happy and it reminded me to never again forget who I was or let it get changed or buried by someone else. To be true to myself, even if that person was a bit odd and quirky. She said something like it was lovely and rather brave. We small talked a bit and then I had to go back to our stall.

Later just before I was leaving for the airport she called me over and she said “I just wanted to say that I really admire you, you came out of your bad marriage with pink hair and I came out fat” I looked into her eyes and could see the pain as clearly as if it it had been freshly carved into her soul, yet there were layers of hurt from years of pain. I just said “You are a strong and beautiful woman and you can find the person lost inside again – it will get better” There was a connection and moment when time stood still and I just held her eyes and tried to send as much love as I could. I was then called to leave and the moment was over. I hope she believed me, I hope she knows how special and valuable she is as a person, worthy of great love. I saw someone who believed she would never marry again as she had been so torn down, she did not see herself as able to find someone to love her for who she was. I hope she finds that someone, but most of all I hope there are more women on her journey willing to share their stories that might help her heal.

I hope I touched her life in a small way because she touched mine, she connected with me and gave me a piece of her hurting soul that I will carry with me. I hope I gave her a piece of my vision that it can be better and that it lightened her load a little.

Someone once told me he did not want to love again because each person he loved he gave a piece of his heart to and felt like soon there would be nothing to give anymore. I think he missed the point or maybe I remember his point wrong. I feel different, I feel that we have to give pieces of our heart and soul away so that we can receive pieces back. These help us see the world through experiences different to our own. I know he was talking about a girlfriend, but when you fear connection, be it in a relationship or in a brief encounter with a stranger, I think you lose the chance to change your life and theirs. Not all people were supposed to stay in our lives for long, some are just a passing encounter. We only have to be open to looking past the masks we all wear and seeing the soul.

This is not a pat me on the back kind of story, see how great I am for connecting with someone. It is to show that sometimes we don’t know how powerful sharing our story can be and how much it can touch someone else’s life. Being able to feel like we are not alone in our experiences, is often what we need to find a way through them. I have had those who have inspired and shared with me that have made my road easier and to each of them I say thank you.

Dreams don’t lie

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I was having a nap with Titus the other day and was in a light, almost awake state but asleep enough to dream. Does that make sense?

Anyway I was dreaming The Geek and I were on a camp somewhere and were desperately trying to be alone to have sex. It was not working, we were being interrupted a lot. Hmm no genius is needed for dream interpretation. Babies and kids, well parenting is general causes one’s sex life to take a nose dive.

It is not from lack of desire, want or need but rather circumstantial. One falls asleep early, or the baby is awake or the other kids are awake or we are just busy with household things that need doing.

It is a good thing they are so cute and we forgive them the damage they do to libido

I was teasing The Geek with a few seductive sms’s while he was shopping today. Let’s hope the kids, the energy levels and the hormones all play along tonight.

Do you ever have sexy sms conversations?
Do you also check the number 100% just to make sure it does not for some obscure reason suddenly become your mother’s number?
How has having kids affected your sex life?

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I was in the bathroom getting dressed after a shower when I heard R.E.M “Everybody Hurts” playing from the dinning room.

I was immediately transported back to my res room in university. I remembered listening to this song, broken hearted over unrequited love. You only learn through these painful experiences, the lessons life has to teach. At the time you always think there is something wrong with you, why could the other person not love you. Why do we do that? Why do we not think that maybe they are just not the right one? I guess only time teaches that.

But today the song meant something else. I walked out to Rachel babbling to Yme, unaware that he was in pain. I sent her outside and just stood and held him for that moment. The quiet sad moment of remembering. A few short months and the pain is still raw.

I am Yme’s incomplete sentence

The thing about pink hair is that it makes you recognisable. There are not that many of us with pink hair so people remember you. I was in the wool shop on Thursday and a lady caught my eye and said “Hi, how are you?” So I was polite back but it was clear I did not know who she was. It turned out she was from Yme’s dad side of the family and I had met her at Natasha’s funeral. I met a lot of people that day.

She said “you are Yme’s…” slightly awkward pause as she did not know what to call me and then she said “oh and look how the baby has grow” and then lots of comments on how cute he was and that he looked so good.

I had a bit of a chuckle later and now tease Yme that my status is that on an incomplete sentence. I must admit it was a bit weird and did leave me thinking how sad it was that a relationship does not seem valued in our society until there is a wedding.

Pick your battles

This is something that I have used with the kids and have to tell myself over and over but it applies to relationships too.

I am The Amber Necklace Lady. After all they are one of Earth Babies top seller. Clients often ask me if they work and I am honest about my experience. We never had them when I had Rachel and she had no problem teething. Caleb had one on 24/7 from a few months old and he had no problem teething. So I tell them I am not sure if the necklace helped or if they just had it easy. I do tell them I have plenty of clients that swear by them and they report a big improvement in teething symptoms.

This time it was Titus’s turn, the only problem was that Yme is dead set against them. He is a scientific man and says they are hocus pocus and he does not want his boy wearing one. He was not trying to be difficult it just really is something he does not like.

I was gutted, to me they look so lovely and always get comments which is good for business. For a few days we had a little passive aggressive war where I would put it on during the day, when Yme was at work, and then he would take it off at night.

Finally I thought, this means more to him than it does to me, I can let this one go. So no amber for T man, but he has a dad who loves him so much a necklace does not matter.

(Murphy’s Law he is a terrible teether)

2nd chances

Valentines day is coming up and this is The Geek and my first valentines day. Yes scandalous I know, knocked up and ready to pop, unmarried and not even a year together. Oh well

This made me think about second chances. One of the biggest things that I was worried about when coming out of such a disastrous marriage and failed relationship was why I landed up there in the first place and would I be doomed to repeat the cycle as so many others seem to do. Moving from one bad relationship to the next.

I think I can honestly say that by some miracle I managed to find not just a second chance but a soul mate. The things he will do for me, big and small and the way that he treats me just takes my breath away. I know that they are probably what it is supposed to be like, but never having been treated like this, or having someone do little things for me just because they want to boggles my mind.

He honestly thinks I am beautiful, even in my beached whale pregnant state, and I think that to him it is the person he loves and so the outer shell does not matter as much. It is amazing to have someone look at you with appeciation just for who you are, they love your body because it is yours rather than because it is perfect.

He does not mind doing little things for me, he will fetch and bring me anything he thinks will make me more comfortable or help. Especially now I am pregnant, if i forget something in the other room he will without a fuss and at his own suggestion go and get it for me. I am not used to be treated so kindly.

He loves sharing little things with me that he reads or learns about. I love that he is so clever and read and discovers and that he passes this on to the kids too. Life is an adventure of new knowledge and he shows them this all the time. If they ask science or maths questions I can just say – ask Yme 😉

I always have ambicious ideas and plans for things like parties and baby showers or gifts I try make things, with not quite enough time. The Geek never gets cross with me, instead he teases me, tries to channel some of the plans into being more realistic but in the end he will sit up all night with me helping me try finish the mad ideas I have. He just totally accepts that I am like this. He does not moan that it means he spends hour helping me. Everytime he does this I marvel, i have always been like this but was never helped with such loving support.

He helped me make a belly cast – I had to get a friend and my sister to help before as the ex refused. Yme, will help with just about anything, even if he thinks it is a little odd ball, just because he like to see me happy. That my happiness matters so much to him is breath taking.

He loves our kids, and yes I say our. He is their everyday dad. He does not try to replace their dad and they know they have a dad. The contact the ex has is minimal but that is his choice. Yme speaks about my boy and my girl. If you see his comment on this Parent 24 article you will see how much he see his role as important in their lives. He commented under his name and is the avatar that is wearing the Dennis the Menace Jersey 😀 He told me that as long as one of his 3 kids can braai one day he will be happy. I am so glad they have him as a role model, I am sure we will go through ups and downs with the kids and the issues surrounding step-parenting BUT he has not stood back he has jumped in the deep end and works hard to make this family work.

I once heard someone say that they think in every relationship there is the lover and the loved. While I think that for a balanced relationship, this should be fluid and change depending on the time and circumstance, there is a small part of me that think I am so loved that there might not be enough I can do to match the lengths he is willing to go to for me. I love this man with all my heart. It is not a competition to see who demonstrates it more, but i think he wins hands down. I only hope he knows too just how awesome he is and how even though life is hard at time, I am the happiest I have been in ages

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I really can’t think of anyone that is in my life that I don’t want there. Get divorced and have a tumultuous year and you soon see who your friends are. It leaves little room for anyone but those who want to be there because they really do care. As for people I wish I did not know, I think people come and go in our lives for a reason. We learn things from them even if they are hard lessons so there is no one I wish I had never known.

short and sweet today

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Funny how I always seem to start these post with how easy or hard the questions were but somehow it seems relevant to the process. This one is actually hard. I am sure it would just be easy to say that the ex was THE person that treated me badly and that he made everything bad but I am sure that points to intent. He don’t think any of it was ever intentional I just think he for many reasons had a frame of reference for behaving differently. He was who he was and I knew that. I guess you think you can change people or that there is enough good to work it out. He is not a bad person we just were ill suited from the beginning. I now say that it was a destructive relationship rather than abusive because I think we were both had a part to play and made mistakes.

I hope we have both learnt from our disaster and that we don’t do the same to other people. I don’t think the marriage was very nice for either and I think we did a fair amount of making each others lives hell.

Besides that I guess there are always people in life that treat us badly at one or another time. I am not sure I spend the energy remembering who they all are

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

When my marriage fell apart and I decided to walk away I had to get to the place where I felt okay with this. My ex will always want to throw in my face that I did not give it another chance, and that I did not try. I know I tried for 8 years, I know I begged and pleaded long before I left, for us to get help and try fix things. I waked away knowing in my heart that I made the right choice, and that no amount of fixing or trying would change the fact that we were ill suited in the beginning.

I have to deal with him telling the kids, that I broke up our family, and that it was my fault, and I would not try. I had to deal with him becoming like a saint overnight and trying to show my friends and family, that he was different and that I was the bad one for leaving – his saintly behaviour never lasted long, as I predicted, but there was a time that I had to cope with being the only person that thought I made the right decision leaving. I understand people’s intentions and their desire to make sure that I was doing the right thing. It is never good to break up a family, but sometimes it is worse to stay.

I felt guilty for leaving, but in a way was so glad to be free, then felt guilty about feeling glad to be out and not trying. It was a vicious cycle. I am now in the place I know I did the right thing. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I landed up in that position in the first place and I have forgiven my mistakes too. I hope lessons have been learnt and most of all I hope that I can pass these lessons on to my kids.

Laws of attraction

I am reading something about birth, surprise surprise and she was talking about what we think influence what happens to us. To a certain extent I think that our thoughts to become our actions but then she went on to say that those that are struggling financially or never have enough money to afford things, talk about not affording things and so it is an endless cycle, with them not attracting wealth because of their negative talk. Now as someone in the position where we are stretching every rand to the max I felt a bit defensive. Surely there is a limit to how much positive thinking can do?

How much do you think that your attitude and thoughts control what happens to you in life? I know that self speak is vital and tell yourself enough times that you are rubbish and your attitude will start to display this. Having been in a relationship where building a person up was not on the agenda and my faults were pointed out frequently. I started to believe it, now I actually think I have a fairly good self esteem. I like myself, I recognize my flaws but I actually quite like myself.

Well I am going to start thinking about having enough money, not a lot, just enough. Lets see what happens. Maybe I just have to have really positive thoughts when I buy a lotto ticket 😛
So how much do you think your thought influence your life?