Looking back

I was blog jumping tonight, reading the blogs of new commenter’s and following links to other blogs. It is actually quite cool to read some new stuff. I so wish someone would pay me to blog and read blogs all day,  as there are so many  I wish I could keep up with. I am failing hopelessly at even the few I try read regularly.

But I digress. I was reading a post on Doodles of a journo about the unexpected benefits of blogging and how it is a great way to keep track of past events and that you can use it as a reference to check dates and keep memories of holidays and stuff. It is also a way to look back at changes in your life. The post was made on 30 Septemeber and in the comments people looked back at their own blogs to see what they were doing and how life had changed. I looked back at 30 Septemeber 2009, my blog was only 3 months old and it was not a good time in my life. The post that day was ‘ I don’t want to’ – very bleak.

Wow, could the change in one year be so big? I really needed that perspective and look back. I now have the most amazing man in my life, we live in Cape Town and got to spend the whole day at Cape Point today. I have amazing friends in my life. We are moving to our house-by-the-sea this month. There is a new baby on the way – a little unexpected, but all part of the journey. I have grown so much, if only I could have hugged my very hurting self then and said it was all going to be more than okay. But I guess it is the heart ache and real lows that make us grateful for the love and the real highs on the other side.

What were you doing a year ago?

How much power should the past have?

I was talking to a friend today and it got me thinking about how much power we let the past hold over the way we think and feel now. I have just resigned myself to believing stuff about myself and the way others will see me as a result of past memories, but maybe the past is only as powerful as we let it be? There are things that I am terrified of doing or not, that I have been blaming on my past. Excuse me a bit vague and while there are very specific fears I have, it is more the idea of this power that fascinates me.

Why do we let these memories shape so much of what we do in the present? I accept that the past shapes us into what we are today, but is this an excuse for holding onto things that damage us? While we can’t just discard them and they have value in what they have taught us, surely we control the power they have over our future actions. I think sometimes we feeding into a memory because changing it takes self reflection. If you let go of an idea that a memory holds then you have to replace it with something and be willing to live that reality rather.

I don’t think this is easy by any means but I have started looking at some of the stuff I have included into my idea of myself as a person, stuff that I have assimilated from other people’s reactions and comments. Some have become so ingrained that I have not questioned them in years. Recently 2 new friends have challenged this reality of me and I have had to re-think painful stuff and let go of things that are holding me back. The notion that I have to carry these negative ideas with me always is just stupid. Of course not everyone is going to like me, BUT those that like the real me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life anyway, the rest well who cares.