Christmas without her

To my dear Annatjie, Yme, Jacques and  Wouter

Christmas time, a time of family, presents, love and laughter, but also sadness.

Someone with a vibrance as big as Natasha leaves a huge hole. The first Christmas without her, feels surreal like soon she will phone to discuss presents or get excited about gifts for the kids.

She loved spoiling them, Rachel and Caleb were not even related and yet she loved them and spoilt them as much as any Aunt. She would have gone so overboard at Titus’s first Christmas.

I choose to remember last year and the secret Santa gifts, the dancing wind up penis and boobs. She was happy and laughed so much. I am so glad we got to have that last Christmas with her.

I love you all, and am sad for the pain you all feel this year. You are not alone, we still walk this road and remember her, keeping the memory alive together.

All my love

P.S. Natasha damn we really do miss you!


At some point or another most of us have been walking along and suddenly spotted by a face in the crowd that we could have sworn was someone we knew. Even when you know it is not them the shock and the memories that come back can really leave you quite shaken. Something similar happened to me last week. We were on out road trip so far removed from the normal flow of life and suddenly there was a reminder of the past that I was not expecting. So stark and out of place. And it would happen on the day that I decided to quit smoking (oh yes the one on the balcony a night sort of multiplied when I was away and around other smokers. I had decided to stop that day and was doing very well mind you)

To say that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach would have been putting it mildly. My breathe was taken away. I grabbed the closes box of smokes and headed off into what we were told was snake infested bushes. As I sat letting memories wash over me, I was so glad to know that I had been right, they had no power over me any more. It was a chapter and it was over. Now, is more and the future is forward.

Sorry to be all vague but believe me this was a huge step forward for me, and I owe a lot to you.

I will end with a Meme I got from Wenchy’s blog

1.Explain what ended your last relationship?
As much as he was a lovely person and I did love him in a way it was not enough. I need someone who understands that dating me comes with dating my kids. He tried really really hard with the kids but it did not come naturally to him. I did not have energy to help him cope with the kids and cope with everything else in my life. He really did nothing wrong. He was very kind and supportive and I wish I had not hurt him.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Friday morning so that I could wear shorts on the last day of the road trip when it was so hot.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.
In bed tweeting

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
The same thing I am doing now, blogging, drinking tea and chatting to Ghilraen.

5. Some things you are excited about?
Moving to Cape Town, I am not even the tiniest bit nervous anymore, I am just more excited than ever. I can’t wait.

6. Your matric farewell night, what do you remember about it?
It was silly, I hate dancing and school was not my favourite place

7. Last thing received in the mail?
In the physical mail it was probably something for Earth Babies, nappies or something

8. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee, coffee, coffee, juice, more coffee and now earl grey tea with Ghilraen it is our thing.

9. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, I like to stand and watch the waves in one place and slowly let my feet sink into the sand

10. Any plans for Friday night?
recover from a long day at the Living and Loving Baby show and getting ready to do it all again on Saturday and Sunday.

11. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
As long as it tied up it is fine, not so keen on wind blowing hair in my face.

12. Where do you keep your change?
In the ashtray of my car.

13. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Goodness no idea, maybe when I was on TV last year, does that count, there were not that many in the room but a guess a couple watched at home.

How much power should the past have?

I was talking to a friend today and it got me thinking about how much power we let the past hold over the way we think and feel now. I have just resigned myself to believing stuff about myself and the way others will see me as a result of past memories, but maybe the past is only as powerful as we let it be? There are things that I am terrified of doing or not, that I have been blaming on my past. Excuse me a bit vague and while there are very specific fears I have, it is more the idea of this power that fascinates me.

Why do we let these memories shape so much of what we do in the present? I accept that the past shapes us into what we are today, but is this an excuse for holding onto things that damage us? While we can’t just discard them and they have value in what they have taught us, surely we control the power they have over our future actions. I think sometimes we feeding into a memory because changing it takes self reflection. If you let go of an idea that a memory holds then you have to replace it with something and be willing to live that reality rather.

I don’t think this is easy by any means but I have started looking at some of the stuff I have included into my idea of myself as a person, stuff that I have assimilated from other people’s reactions and comments. Some have become so ingrained that I have not questioned them in years. Recently 2 new friends have challenged this reality of me and I have had to re-think painful stuff and let go of things that are holding me back. The notion that I have to carry these negative ideas with me always is just stupid. Of course not everyone is going to like me, BUT those that like the real me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life anyway, the rest well who cares.