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No until Death us do part

I have been thinking a lot about wedding vows with The Geek and my wedding coming up in a few short weeks. We want to write our own vows. I am sure not everyone is like me but as I think about the promises I want to make I ponder if people in the audience look at me as a divorced woman and think – “I wonder if she is going to keep them this time”

Maybe being older and wiser and slightly more cynical I am thinking about my promises more carefully. I am not religious. I don’t believe that marriage should be forever if it is damaging to either party. If there is one thing I have learnt is that life does not go to plan. I have seen friends with the greatest love, ended by a cruel twist of fate. Sometimes we marry for the wrong reasons or we grow apart or things just happen.

Did I mean my vows when I said them the first time? – of course. I was not planning to get divorced it was not even an option. But it happened. I am not a bad person. I did not fail, although I am sure there are plenty who think “you just have to try harder and it will work out”. I don’t believe that, I tried for 8 years, sometimes the bravest thing to do is to get out.

I think marriage should be viewed more like a business partnership, obviously a lot more emotional and loving but no one thinks badly of you if a business partnership ends or changes. People grow and change and sometimes it is not in the same direction.

I found this article and it rung true for me:

“People understand that anything can happen in life, and you don’t make a promise you can’t keep. When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said ”til death do us part’ — you didn’t keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised ‘til death do us part’ — it is the sticking point in the healing of a broken marriage. The wording can give you a stigma of personal failure.”

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,163251,00.html#ixzz2JFi3Rala

I am no less committed to The Geek, in fact I don’t think I have ever thought so long and hard about promises before. I want to say what I know I can keep, and words that will challenge me to work as hard as I can on this relationship. I do not see it as an easy way out to not say until death us do part. I am not just presuming we will stay together, I know we have to work at it and make a conscious choice to make it work.

I know many will disagree with me and think that these are the sort of things that lead to high divorce rate. But in my mind, things happen, sometimes very unexpected things and no one should have to stay miserable in a broken relationship just for the sake of others in society worrying about our morals. There are no prizes for a life of unhappiness.

What do you think?

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What would you change?

There is a time machine in front of you right now! Imagine it as an old one like this, the steampunkness of it appeals to me, or a new fancy sci-fi type. In the air you can smell the heavy scent of possibility. If you step inside you get to set one date, you will be able to go back in your own life. Give yourself a pep talk and change the decisions that you will make. Would you take it? Would you go? Or could you walk away.

On twitter today I asked ” Do you regret more the things you did do or the things you didn’t”
It was interesting to see people responses. It was a mix actually. I then spoke to The Geek and being philosophical as ever he said it was pointless to regret anything. If carefully considered and made the best decision you could at the time with what you knew then you did your best. But he is not impulsive like me. I don’t always carefully consider anything. I am the typical embodiment of the saying “fools rush in where angels fear to tread”. Then he said if you don’t do something you don’t know how it would have been and so regret is again pointless

I had one conversation I had was about a single important regretted decision and faced with a time machine it would be very conflicting to decide what to do. It seems on one level easy to think that you would like to go back with what you know now and help yourself make a different decision. But that changes EVERYTHING, it changes who we are and who we become.

The hurt, even at its deepest, shapes who we become. Strength comes from enduring and character from making hard decisions.

For example I married the wrong person the first time, but without that I would not have my kids, but it is more than that, I would not have known I did not have them, if that makes sense. But there is so much more that it is taught me and moulded me that I think in myself I would be different. I would not have pink hair.

Things I do wish I could change involve hurting others. And at times I wish I could undo some of that. We are often selfish and we don’t always act thinking of others. But maybe it was part of their journey and lessons to learn.

To feel the really good, we have to be able to weather through the really bad. Otherwise we are just anesthetized and live through all experiences without really feeling them. The sadness that brings you to your knees and makes it hard to even breath, is balanced by the joy that makes your heart want to burst. If we undo the bad maybe we undo the good too.

So would you get into the time machine and go and do or undo something?

I am Yme’s incomplete sentence

The thing about pink hair is that it makes you recognisable. There are not that many of us with pink hair so people remember you. I was in the wool shop on Thursday and a lady caught my eye and said “Hi, how are you?” So I was polite back but it was clear I did not know who she was. It turned out she was from Yme’s dad side of the family and I had met her at Natasha’s funeral. I met a lot of people that day.

She said “you are Yme’s…” slightly awkward pause as she did not know what to call me and then she said “oh and look how the baby has grow” and then lots of comments on how cute he was and that he looked so good.

I had a bit of a chuckle later and now tease Yme that my status is that on an incomplete sentence. I must admit it was a bit weird and did leave me thinking how sad it was that a relationship does not seem valued in our society until there is a wedding.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Okay this one is easy. I see no reason why anyone can not marry whoever the hell they like. Heck straight people mess up the institution of marriage plenty so I can’t see why we should have a monopoly on it. I am not religious and so for me people should be able to show and celebrate their love in anyway they like.

I do not even mind if my kids turn out gay which I guess is a good thing as my ex always said he would disown them. I had kids to love them unconditionally and there is nothing they can do that will change how I feel. Not that I even think being gay is something that I would have to work on to accept or anything. It would just be their choice, same as a career choice or anything else they feel driven to do from inside.

So like most things I am liberal on this one.