Hug from Far away

My dear friend Sam is grieving, her beautiful baby boy Joaquim was only with her for 2 months before he died. I can’t not even begin to imagine her and Manny’s pain. They are in Benoni and I am in Cape Town so very far away. How do you even begin to offer comfort and support? I kept contact with Sam but told her that I was making her something that would arrive later, when the calls stop coming and the world moves on and yet her world would never be the same. For the days when she needed to know that she has people that care because the loneliness of grief can make the world feel cold some days.

I did see her when I was up there for Christmas. It was a wonderful day with our friend Ghilraen too. We talked and cried and just enjoyed being able to share and support one another. I never got to finish my gift while I was there but she did see me working on it and I posted it yesterday

It was a comfort shawl called Faraway so close, written for someone who had lost a baby. I made it so that Sam could wrap herself if my hug even when I was not there.

The beautiful Yarn was custom dyed by Carle of Nurturing Fibres I saw Carle dye this very special yarn for Sam, it goes from black to blue with white spots and silver twinkle from the kid silk. It is the early morning sky as night fades and another day starts, a few remaining stars in the sky. There are many midnights in grief but there is also the morning, the new day and the hope of tomorrow.

My Dearest Sam nothing can take the pain away or make it better but know today, tomorrow and always that you are loved and that friends, even faraway, walk this path with you.
Love you
from PinkHairGirl

Faraway so close

Sam's shawl

Comfort Shawl

When words fail

I love words. I love reading them, writing them, playing with them and most of all learning new ones makes me happy. But there is nothing like being faced with wide open gapping hole of someone’s grief to feel that all groupings of vowels and consonants are inadequate.

Being a Palliative care nurse and working with many patients and families facing end of life issues, you would think it gets easier, it does not. The feeling of not knowing what to say never goes away. I think the problem is just that, we feel we need to say something. There are no words, no phrase which is like a magic healing balm sooths and takes some of the pain away. Anything we say feel like a toddler clattering pots when what we wanted was as symphony. We feel so helpless, we see the pain and are powerless to offer anything that will help.

I have blogged about the poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer before and you can follow the link to read the whole poem but I was reminded of the part that says

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

Grief does not require wise words, all it requires is presence. The best we can do is to stand alongside and just be. I know I feel desperately inadequate when it comes to supporting Yme and his family, I just try be there. For me during this time, it was not the words people said but the fact that they acknowledge our pain and loss and offered support. The words were inconsequential, but the knowledge of the support and care, that helped.