Lonely

Now that is not a word that I thought I would be saying once I was in a relationship and happy, but there it is. I am really lonely. In a very different way than before, I am not alone in a relationship sense. I have Yme and we talk and we do stuff and it is good, that part of me that wanted to sharing something with someone is fulfilled but I left a lot of other support behind.

This is going to sound like such a moaning feeling sorry for myself post and it is not intended as such, it is just feelings that I have inside and for me the best thing to do with my feelings is to write them down. I hope by getting them out I will feel a little less like I am going to burst into tears. Yes I know most of it can just be take with a pinch of pregnant hormone salt, but it does not make it feel any less acute.

I am a social person. I do not need large groups or to be the center of a crowd, in fact I can be quite shy until I know people better, but what I do need is a group of close friends around me who I see quite often and develop a close bond with. I like the village idea of raising kids, I think having people come and go regularly in a child’s life is good,

In Pretoria we stayed in a house next door to my parents we saw them everyday, when my mom was not working away from home she would take the kids for a few hours to play with them, read to them and just generally be a cool granny. My dad would help bath them in the evenings and read to them and cuddle them. My domestic was there 3 times a week, giving me chance to get my hair done or go to the post office without the kids in tow all the time, and most importantly a chance to get some work done. I could afford her because my parents did not charge me rent ( yes I was very very luck I know, I would never have made that year without my parents unwaivering support)

Then my awesome friend and business partner Barbara and I saw each other at least twice a week where we would discuss business, life, relationships, kids and just general girl gossip. We are very different but it is sometime really nice to get a different point of view and out kids have been friends since birth. They play so well together they disappear off 2 by 2 the big ones together and the younger ones together and they play so nicely. We used to swap kids a couple of times a week so we each got a chance to get stuff done. We watched chick flicks together, like Sunshine Cleaners and Twighlight that no one else would want to watch. Our kids slept over at each other often and were very comfortable being at each others houses.

Laura would pop in a couple of times a week after work, we did things together on the weekend, even if it was just a picnic in the park so the kids could play and we could get out a bit. Wine afternoons and braai’s in Ansie’s garden with her boys was always fun. Barbara and Laura and their gangs would also be there.

Sharon and her son would drop in and even after they moved to Badplaas we still saw them at least once a month. Coffee and chat with Sharon and catching up on all the comings and goings in peoples lives was fun. It is these sort of social interactions that feed my soul. I love seeing my friends and relaxing and chatting and being there. These woman were there for me through some incredibly tough times and I miss them.

I know it would not be the same if we were there. Yes my family and their support would still be there, but Barbara has moved and Sharon has moved but boy I miss these people.

People have been very kind in CT but the same kind of close support and seeing each other all the time is not here in Cape Town for us yet. I know it will take time for us to meet people and to find friends that we can see often. I guess having my good friend Ghilraen here this week has reminded me how lonely my weeks usually are. It is just me and the kids most days. Ghilraen is in PE but was my sanity in the UK we lived close by and saw each other most days, we also stood with each other through some tough times together. I have cried, laughed, smiled, been heart broken, been happy and seen life and death with these women and I miss them.

I hope in time we find such people here in CT because I don’t do well alone. I am a talker I need to talk and moan and laugh and share, always make the burden of being a parent easier. Being alone all day with 2 small people all day and one beings to loose perspective a bit.

Moan over, shopping to do…

What I learnt today

– my integrity matters.
– some friends are all talk but when you need them they can’t stand to be in the center of raw pain and emotion – I needed you tonight, I asked and you left!
– I am worth more than the way I have been treated.
– I want someone who would never have left me or gotten me into the situation I had to deal with alone today.
– My world is complex and difficult so look before you enter.
– I am stronger than I ever thought but hurt more than I conceived imaginable.
– I am harder and more guarded because of today and I hate that.
– feeling lonely is one of the hardest things in the whole world.
– when you think there are no more tears there are more.
– It is worth looking beyond what you get to who I am.
– Promises are empty without actions.
– I want a man who is safe and strong enough to give me his all.
– Sometimes just breathing feels too painful – I want to stop.
– Time carries on and as much as I do not want the sun to rise tomorrow, it will.

Not such a great day

Today was one of those days when the reality of my situation really hit me. Most of the time you just carry on, life is busy and experiences happen. You just go with where life takes you, even if sometimes the timing of things leaves a lot to be desired.

But then there are days which are not so good, maybe it was the fact that the day started with taking Rachel to a course for divorced kids. Not exactly the type of social group and course that one pictures happening in your child’s life when you have them. Knowing that no matter how much you are doing the right thing that there are casualties in this process. That despite your best efforts they are going to get hurt. Sometime even though you know being selfish and doing what is right for yourself will have the best outcome for everybody in the end, it is hard to think that my decisions change their reality. And yes I truly believe that it will be for the best but no kid walks away from divorce unscathed. To heal yourself you hurt them, but not being true to yourself damages you all more in the end anyway.

The rest of the day I was reminded of being alone. I should be so used to it by now. With my ex having worked on an oil rig for so much of the time I used to go to a lot of social events on my own with the kids. Even when he was with me, there was no connection, no signs of affection, no bond. It was as lonely with him there as it was without.

Now that I am out the other side, I see how much I crave to have that connection with someone. I am tired of doing it all alone and yet I don’t just want a relationship for the sake of it. I long to share who I am with someone. I want that person who is not only a practical help but whose eyes catch you across the room and you know you are theirs and that you share you lives willingly and totally. I want the person who comes and puts their arms around me and shows how much they love me.

As I said it is not a good day, the reality is very different and there is no point is spiralling myself down thinking of all that could be different. I have the most amazing people in my life who love me and for the rest I will wait…