Dear Universe – thank you

No more emo! Pack it up and ship it out, I have had enough. Laura keeps telling me that happiness is a choice but I was dragging my feet and quite enjoying wallowing in my own stupid self pity. The lessons I learned were painful but necessary and I am now ready to face the challenges of life with a smile again. Look, don’t get me wrong, not for one minute do I think that times of being down will not happen, but we get one shot at this life, one chance to be all we can be.

I am grabbing it with both hands and shoving as much as I can into it, yes I want to do the things on my list and more and there are loads of places I want to see and things I would love to have, but this is not really what I want the most. It is the people, beautiful, crazy, amazing people that make it worth while. Everyone has such a unique story to tell and for me it is now being open enough to see what they bring to your my life and what you can bring to theirs.

I am glad that I tore up the list and abandoned the idea that I have any notion what so ever as to what I need. This applies to all people that I meet, not just potential dates. I am setting aside preconceived ideas and I am open to experiences.

You know that letter I was supposed to write to the universe. I never did, I thought about it and all I said quietly in my soul was that I had absolutely no idea what I needed and no idea what to say. Well lets say that the people who have touch my life since then are so unexpected and I have so much to learn. I am excited!

All for a Reason?

I am so not a completer finisher, I actually have just gotten up in the middle of doing something else because this just needed to be written right now. I had to write a Bio on my self recently and I said that ‘I write because I have to’, and it is so true sometimes the thoughts that spin loudly around in my head just need a place to come out.

So last night someone threw a curve ball at me, I was so not expecting what they told me, one of those ‘not in a million years’ would I ever even imagined this scenario. How cool is that? Not the situation because that is sad and brave and a show how beautiful people really can be, but the unpredictability of life. I was lost for words at first and if you know me you will know that this is a rare occurrence. Most of us hate change and hate things out of the normal but I am beginning to learn to embrace it and see that there is only one constant in life it is change. Being alive is awesome and I love it when my preconceived ideas about people and situations are challenged.

So when something hugely unexpected happens what do you do? Do you let it go past and happen in a calm way that the person planned or do you think that just maybe people cross paths at the right time and for a reason. I choose the later, I threw a curve ball straight back. I am not totally sure of the response yet but it does not matter, it has served to highlight for me the power we can have in each others lives and that the damage we caused in some lives might be atoned for in others. Well at least I hope so.

I apologies for the cryptic nature of this blog but for now and maybe for always it is needed, this is not my story to share, just to maybe walk alongside and offer what support I can.

Do you believe that people cross your path at a certain time for a reason?

Doing it on my own

So I have always thought of myself as a fairly independent free thinking woman who can do most things. Well it has only taken leaving an 8 year marriage to see that perhaps I was a little too dependent. Since leaving there are things I have had to or still need to do on my own. Some things are really simple, some I will just learn and some I will just out source – I am never going to mow lawn or wash my own car!

These steps to independence are rather daunting though but the scariest thing is how much control of my life I was willing to give to someone else. To be honest as I face these things the usual feeling is panic, but the euphoria once it is done and I can tick it off the list and say ‘actually that was really not so bad’ is great.

So to date the stuff I have had to do alone includes:

– getting my own internet banking and learning to do EFT’s myself instead of saying please pay so-and-so.

– driving around town centre to find customs and excise office to sign for our shipping arriving from the UK.

-fix the computer when some random virus notice appeared.

Okay the done list is not long – the To Do one is way longer but if I am totally honest I am putting a lot of them off, baby steps.

– find a decent second hand car (I am clueless about cars so think this may be one to be outsourced)

-put my desktop together, like physically plug the whole thing together – no stop laughing, I have never done this before, I have been assured that there is only one hole for everything and that it is simple, but I have given up believing computer geeks about what is actually simple and what is not. But I am willing to give it one bash and then it will be outsourced but on a ‘teach me so I can do it next time’ basis

– teach my son to pee standing up

-fix stuff, everything was left for ‘daddy’ to fix, but with staying on the same property as my parents, my daughter just rolls her eyes if I say I can’t fix it and she says ‘Bumpa will fix it’ ( she could not say Gr as a young child so Grandpa became Bumpa)

-knowing what to do with the computer when it breaks, how to back up stuff, what programs are on it and what I need to keep it all functioning.

– For all DIY I have Dad or there are actually quite a few things I can do myself. When the shipping arrives there is a lot of flat packed book cases and stuff – I guess the Allen key and I are going to be friends.

– driving, yes I know I can drive but if we were all together He always drove. Besides being totally directionally challenged this is one I can do, I just don’t like it all that much. On second thought though being driven is not worth the atmosphere that was in car most of the time, the bickering, the anger, the staring out the window with folded arms feeling like there was no escape.

-putting music on my ipod, I have been assured this is easy.

– figuring my running watch and foot pod thing out so it records my training and then transfers the info onto the computer.

I could go on and on but my point is, like the pink hair reminds me to be true to myself, doing each little thing I learn to do on my own restores my sense of self and my ability to cope on my own.