What would you change?

There is a time machine in front of you right now! Imagine it as an old one like this, the steampunkness of it appeals to me, or a new fancy sci-fi type. In the air you can smell the heavy scent of possibility. If you step inside you get to set one date, you will be able to go back in your own life. Give yourself a pep talk and change the decisions that you will make. Would you take it? Would you go? Or could you walk away.

On twitter today I asked ” Do you regret more the things you did do or the things you didn’t”
It was interesting to see people responses. It was a mix actually. I then spoke to The Geek and being philosophical as ever he said it was pointless to regret anything. If carefully considered and made the best decision you could at the time with what you knew then you did your best. But he is not impulsive like me. I don’t always carefully consider anything. I am the typical embodiment of the saying “fools rush in where angels fear to tread”. Then he said if you don’t do something you don’t know how it would have been and so regret is again pointless

I had one conversation I had was about a single important regretted decision and faced with a time machine it would be very conflicting to decide what to do. It seems on one level easy to think that you would like to go back with what you know now and help yourself make a different decision. But that changes EVERYTHING, it changes who we are and who we become.

The hurt, even at its deepest, shapes who we become. Strength comes from enduring and character from making hard decisions.

For example I married the wrong person the first time, but without that I would not have my kids, but it is more than that, I would not have known I did not have them, if that makes sense. But there is so much more that it is taught me and moulded me that I think in myself I would be different. I would not have pink hair.

Things I do wish I could change involve hurting others. And at times I wish I could undo some of that. We are often selfish and we don’t always act thinking of others. But maybe it was part of their journey and lessons to learn.

To feel the really good, we have to be able to weather through the really bad. Otherwise we are just anesthetized and live through all experiences without really feeling them. The sadness that brings you to your knees and makes it hard to even breath, is balanced by the joy that makes your heart want to burst. If we undo the bad maybe we undo the good too.

So would you get into the time machine and go and do or undo something?

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Last year there were times when I did not want to face the world, it seemed easier to stay in bed. I was tired and it all just seemed like a lot of effort. I was not sleeping, hardly eating, but I did get up, mostly because the Pinklets appear at the edge of the bed in the morning. Kids don’t really care how you feel they want you to get up and get on with the day.

You get up because you have to and slowly things start to get better, at the time it does not feel like it but slowly the feeing that you are walking around with a gapping hole in you fades. It is so slow you don’t notice but the more you take time to find one moment in the day that feels good, just a few seconds to feel the sun on your skin and how warm that feels on a cold winters day, or just how nice your first cup of coffee is, then imperceivably* these moment expand and join and grow. You laugh, you feel hungry and you start to find joy again. It is so slow that at first you think that you will be numb and hurt forever, the notion that it could be another way does not seem possible. But that cliche about time as a healer is true.

So while I never thought of actively killing myself there were times when I did not particularly want to be alive. You have to choose to find those moments and it is not easy.

(* The Geek and I have just fought discussed whether impercevably is a word and if it should be impercetibly or if it should be another whole phrase entirely, see this is why I love him we can discuss words and both be on google looking up on line dictionaries 😉 )

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Rachel
Dear Rachel

My spirited child I am blessed to have you, you challenge me in more ways than I thought possible. You are always determined to do things your way. I have no idea where you get that from. You have so much to learn and at times the task of helping you to reach become the wonderful free thinking individual soul that you are seems totally overwhelming. I fear that is trying to survive day to day I will crush much of the spirit that makes you who you are. But I also need you to know that as much as I love you the world does not care about you as an individual. It is a hard place that does not like people who do not conform.

I have picked these songs for you, not because they are my favourite musically but because of the words.

Song 1
You need a strong sense of self, but more than that you need to know that you are part of a family, a community and a country, your actions need not be conformist but they have to be kind and thoughtful of others. Be true to yourself.

I am the one and only – Chesney Hawkes

Song 2
There are going to be times when you wish with all your heart that something would happen or that someone would do things the way you want them done. Often it does not happen, the pain is often overwhelming, head up, one breath at a time. Sometimes you will look back and understand and other times you will never understand why.

Just say Yes – Snow Patrol

Song3
I know you are struggling now with Afrikaans. It feels really difficult and you get frustrated easily at not being able to do it well from the start, but try really hard to learn, it is the language of a lot of people in this country especially in the Cape but not only that it will change your relationship with Yme. And of course your new brother will be learning it too. Learning a new language will also help you when you want to learn other languages one day.

I have been introduced to Die Heuwels Fantasies by Yme and this is the song he plays to the baby.
Die Heuwels Fantasies – Klein Tambotieboom

Song 4
You are going to make mistakes, like I said before keep your individual spirit, be willing to go against the grain and be true to yourself BUT consider others. Try not to hurt other people but sometimes hurting others happens be willing to say sorry. We all hate it, learn the skill now it is invaluable

Chris Daughtry – Sorry

Song 5
You are going to get hurt, very very hurt and as much as I wish that I could protect you from ever feeling pain, it is not going to happen. You are going to be disappointed, betrayed, you are going to lose people, you are going to have your heart broken. Even times when it feels like just taking the next breath is too hard, remember lots of people are been here before. There were times when I felt like this and only the thoughts of you and Callie made me want to go on. You will be okay, you will survive. Come and tell me, cry with me, let me hold you, or find the people/friends/person that you feel safe to do that with. But in the end you will be okay.

REM – Everybody hurts

Song 6
You are a South African, this is a beautiful country of much diversity and beauty, but it is also a country that has had a lot of blood spilt on the ground. Learn its history, learn about its people and most of all never forget that you have more than lots of other people in this land. Find how you can help and make this country better for all, it is worth fighting for

South Africa National Anthem

Song 7
Fall in love, it would be ridiculous to think that you will do it only once, but try not to rush and never settle. Wait and be fussy. You have the right to be loved everything that you are and for that to be enough. No one is perfect, don’t try change the person you are with it does not work. You will natural change in ways by being together, but be that growing together and not fighting to stay who you are. The 3 words I love you can be easy to say but destroying not to hear. Don’t throw them away easily but say them enough to the right person. If someone never says them to you, they are not the right one, I learnt that the hard way.

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

There are many more lessons I want you to learn but enough for today. More than all the music in the world, learn to sing in the shower, dance to your own beat, love and laugh more than you do anything else and find your passion, when you know what drives you it will help channel your spirit and use your talents for good.

I love you so very very much
Your Pink Hair Mom

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Last year I fell in love with someone, who I should not have fallen in love with.
I was very very vulnerable, and broken, after my marriage, and I let harmless flirting go too far. All excuses I know, but no one plans to be the other woman. I am not condoning it at all. But I made lots of reasons why it was okay. I projected my need to get out of my relationship on someone who confessed to being unhappy too.

I truly believed that I was being loved in return, for the person I was. I was wrong.
I think in many ways, he did love things about me, cos I was honest and open and willing to discover the mistakes I had made, and look at my life, and be wild and be creative, and live a little differently. I also think this scared him. He needed to be the hero, he needed to be the good guy more than he needed to be true to himself, which is opposite to me.
In the end, it was just the physical he really wanted. He hurt me, and her, a lot.

I’ve forgiven him for this day.
I’ve forgiven myself. I made a mistake, I should have known better, but at that point I was so crumpled that any attention was so welcome. I didn’t stop to think about the source. I am sorry she got hurt, I only hope it gave them a chance to look at where they were going and not get there 8 years down the line with 2 kids. I hope they found a way to make it work like it should. Maybe I am naive, maybe I hope these things so that I can feel less guilty for what I did.

I am glad this day happened and that it saved me from getting more involved. I am glad I got a chance to see what real love is and what it feels like when someone really, really loves you. They put you first, always. Getting burnt a few times, is the way that we learn this lesson the best.

I forgive you. I am more than sex and I am glad I got to find that out. I now have no doubt, no settling, no second best.

Looking back

I was blog jumping tonight, reading the blogs of new commenter’s and following links to other blogs. It is actually quite cool to read some new stuff. I so wish someone would pay me to blog and read blogs all day,  as there are so many  I wish I could keep up with. I am failing hopelessly at even the few I try read regularly.

But I digress. I was reading a post on Doodles of a journo about the unexpected benefits of blogging and how it is a great way to keep track of past events and that you can use it as a reference to check dates and keep memories of holidays and stuff. It is also a way to look back at changes in your life. The post was made on 30 Septemeber and in the comments people looked back at their own blogs to see what they were doing and how life had changed. I looked back at 30 Septemeber 2009, my blog was only 3 months old and it was not a good time in my life. The post that day was ‘ I don’t want to’ – very bleak.

Wow, could the change in one year be so big? I really needed that perspective and look back. I now have the most amazing man in my life, we live in Cape Town and got to spend the whole day at Cape Point today. I have amazing friends in my life. We are moving to our house-by-the-sea this month. There is a new baby on the way – a little unexpected, but all part of the journey. I have grown so much, if only I could have hugged my very hurting self then and said it was all going to be more than okay. But I guess it is the heart ache and real lows that make us grateful for the love and the real highs on the other side.

What were you doing a year ago?

Black and white – it is easier when you are 5

I am dating someone else, there I said it. Phew. If I have learned anything it is that life does not come in nicely tidy boxes, it happens in total chaos and sometimes the timing could not look worse. I have not known how to write this blog, how not to be the badie, but maybe I am. But I can not longer not blog about it, this is my space, I have always said I write because I have to, and now is no exception.

I overheard Rachel asking my dad if the world was made of opposites. Then they discussed big and small, fast and slow etc. Listening to their happy chatter my brain went off on a totally different track. It is so easy to be black and white about things when you are 5, there are still absolutes. In a kids world things are usually one thing or another. As I get older though there seems to be a lot less black and white and a hell of a lot more grey.

Is the opposite of good, bad? Is it always that clear cut? I am sure you have all heard a story of the girl/guy who broke up with your friend ( or maybe even you) and then a few weeks later they were dating someone else and our usual response is to be mad and wonder: How could they be so insensitive? Did the other person not mean anything to them? We sympathise with our friend and say bitch/bastard and lots of head shaking goes on.

But because life is so seldom black and white, what happens when it is you? When you are the bad one. So I blogged about the relationship with Aequitas ending and as much as he was a fantastic person and he gave me so much, I healed and grew and relaxed with him, there was nothing I could do to stop it not being right. I tried to ignore the niggly feelings but I could not. It was never my intention to hurt him – I was told intentions are meaningless and maybe that is true. But relationships come with risk and I truly did not picture the end like it was at all.

But, and there is always a but in a grey world, an unexpected turn. There is a friend who has stood by me through a lot of stuff, someone who effortlessly gives me energy and knows what to say, when. I liked him the first time I met him ages ago but never thought the feelings were returned. We had been twitter friends before that and started chatting after I needed computer help as always. We get on like a house on fire. Well the timing was bad to discover feelings for each other straight after I had just ended a relationship. We decided not to pursue it. But sometimes no matter how hard you try things just grow and I think because we have been such close friends for so long, the rest just happened so easily.

So there you have it, I am that girl. The one who is dating so soon, the one who must have a heart of stone and not care for the person I ended it with – well actually no, nothing could be further from the truth. Just sometimes life happens, feels grow even when they should not. Hate me, bad mouth me, think I am crazy and irrational and mad for following my heart so soon. But as much as I knew things were not right before, I know that they are this time. I have never ever felt this way about anyone before.

Shock

At some point or another most of us have been walking along and suddenly spotted by a face in the crowd that we could have sworn was someone we knew. Even when you know it is not them the shock and the memories that come back can really leave you quite shaken. Something similar happened to me last week. We were on out road trip so far removed from the normal flow of life and suddenly there was a reminder of the past that I was not expecting. So stark and out of place. And it would happen on the day that I decided to quit smoking (oh yes the one on the balcony a night sort of multiplied when I was away and around other smokers. I had decided to stop that day and was doing very well mind you)

To say that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach would have been putting it mildly. My breathe was taken away. I grabbed the closes box of smokes and headed off into what we were told was snake infested bushes. As I sat letting memories wash over me, I was so glad to know that I had been right, they had no power over me any more. It was a chapter and it was over. Now, is more and the future is forward.

Sorry to be all vague but believe me this was a huge step forward for me, and I owe a lot to you.

I will end with a Meme I got from Wenchy’s blog

1.Explain what ended your last relationship?
As much as he was a lovely person and I did love him in a way it was not enough. I need someone who understands that dating me comes with dating my kids. He tried really really hard with the kids but it did not come naturally to him. I did not have energy to help him cope with the kids and cope with everything else in my life. He really did nothing wrong. He was very kind and supportive and I wish I had not hurt him.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Friday morning so that I could wear shorts on the last day of the road trip when it was so hot.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.
In bed tweeting

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
The same thing I am doing now, blogging, drinking tea and chatting to Ghilraen.

5. Some things you are excited about?
Moving to Cape Town, I am not even the tiniest bit nervous anymore, I am just more excited than ever. I can’t wait.

6. Your matric farewell night, what do you remember about it?
It was silly, I hate dancing and school was not my favourite place

7. Last thing received in the mail?
In the physical mail it was probably something for Earth Babies, nappies or something

8. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee, coffee, coffee, juice, more coffee and now earl grey tea with Ghilraen it is our thing.

9. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, I like to stand and watch the waves in one place and slowly let my feet sink into the sand

10. Any plans for Friday night?
recover from a long day at the Living and Loving Baby show and getting ready to do it all again on Saturday and Sunday.

11. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
As long as it tied up it is fine, not so keen on wind blowing hair in my face.

12. Where do you keep your change?
In the ashtray of my car.

13. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Goodness no idea, maybe when I was on TV last year, does that count, there were not that many in the room but a guess a couple watched at home.

Alone?

I really hurt someone, not just a little but a lot and the worst part is it is through no fault of their own but I know that no matter how much I say that, the idea of if only I did it differently she would have stayed might remain.

I ended the relationship with Aequitas and I am so very very sorry that I hurt him, he did nothing but support and love me and give me the freedom to be me.

But somthing in me just could not cope. I am not good at being alone and yet there are so many things in my life pulling me in 100 different directions that I felt I was just not able to cope with the relationship on top of everything else.

I am not sure the need to learn to be alone thing is totally true, but i do need to make sure that I do not hurt someone else like this again becasue I am not in the right head space. But I know that I am a people person, I get my energy and recharge with people around. So maybe single and surrounded by support is that way that I have to go for a while. Who know! Least of all me.

I hate hurting people.

A bit of perspective

So it is no secret that I have been feeling more than a little sorry for myself of late. A friend deciding to ignore me with no explanation was very hurtful and did not help my much blogged about sadness. Nothing like feeling you are not worth an explanation. I think the hardest part was not knowing quite what I had done or if they were okay. From ‘I will speak to you later’ to all contact being ignored was confusing. It obviously affected me on quite a subconscious level as I woke up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about my friend being seriously hurt and in hospital and this being the reason they had not responded.

Another friend checked and the person is okay, I guess sometimes we don’t get an explanation and we have to leave people to do what they need to do, does not make it hurt less though, but like D said you learn what things you have control over and which you don’t.

Now back to the title of my blog – I was reading that blog I like so much: I Wrote This For You and this entry really made me think long and hard about my life. I am lucky and privileged and blessed, it would do me good to act like it once in a while. So I apologies for my self absorption and will really try to start looking for the good. Like the trip to Cape Town I am planning that started as a joke on twitter but might actually be just what I need – but more about that tomorrow.

The Truth Behind Glass Mountains

This isn’t torture.

Torture happens in small, dark rooms in countries with names you struggle to spell.

This is just mildly unpleasant.

This isn’t heroism.

Heroism happens in churches that are also schools, performed by teachers with no names and no place to stay.

This is just a good deed for the day.

This isn’t loss.

Loss happens on fields filled with poppies, in hospitals buzzing with flies, in distant deserts and late at night when there’s no good reason for the phone to ring.

This is just longing.

This isn’t important.

Important happens on bended knees and is breathed on last breaths with hands clutched tight, hearts tighter.

This is just a distraction.

I don’t want to

Today I said to a friend who is going through a very rough time that sometime we survive because we have to and not because we want to. That is how I feel today. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to struggle to juggle and balance all the things I have to do. There is just too much. I can’t keep all the balls in the air at the same time, invariably something gets dropped or not done or I have guilt the size of the continent that the kids are not getting my full attention even when they get it.

I am finished, I am short tempered, feel overwhlemed most of the time and I just want a break. I love my kids more than life itself but at the moment I feel like I need to be quite far away from them so I can take stock, rest, restore myself and then I can give my best to them again.

BUT and this is a huge but I am terrified to actually do it, because my brain does not stop and the only way to drown it out is to be so busy that I don’t have time to think. I live on a few hours sleep a night at the verge of seer exhaustion. I eat a bit more than I did before but only when I really have to. I don’t even have the energy to run. Will it just be a Pandora’s box that I can’t close again?

Maybe I need to stop hiding from my feelings like I said in the poem earlier in the week, maybe I just need to be quiet and let the feelings come, feel them fully. Let the tears come without stopping them and just let this emotion run its course. See the thing is I am too terrified to do this alone. I am not the sort of person that like to be alone anyway and to be surrounded by the full extent and depth of my emotions without a soul around would be too much. But who on earth do you trust with that sort of task? Who in there right mind wants a mad crying woman sobbing for hours and if they were around would I feel uninhibited enough to explore this? I actually think that when I open up take out all these emotions and have a good look at them they may not be as scary as I first thought. All I really want in this process is understanding and comfort and someone who understands pain is not intimidated by it but also does not feel the need to try make it better.

Make me coffee, run me a bath, pour me wine, let me moan, hold me when I cry and be able to say nothing – yes. But need to make it better -No. I need to do that. I need to find the way myself.

I have a fantastic life, I have 2 amazing kids, a company I love with some exciting and new prospects on the horizon. I have wonderful wonderful friends who support me and most of all I am usually a happy person inside. I love life and there is so much I want to experience. I am just tired and for now would love a week to get off my mad life roller coaster and just breathe. Yes it will hurt but then maybe after a while it won’t hurt so much anymore.