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What would you change?

There is a time machine in front of you right now! Imagine it as an old one like this, the steampunkness of it appeals to me, or a new fancy sci-fi type. In the air you can smell the heavy scent of possibility. If you step inside you get to set one date, you will be able to go back in your own life. Give yourself a pep talk and change the decisions that you will make. Would you take it? Would you go? Or could you walk away.

On twitter today I asked ” Do you regret more the things you did do or the things you didn’t”
It was interesting to see people responses. It was a mix actually. I then spoke to The Geek and being philosophical as ever he said it was pointless to regret anything. If carefully considered and made the best decision you could at the time with what you knew then you did your best. But he is not impulsive like me. I don’t always carefully consider anything. I am the typical embodiment of the saying “fools rush in where angels fear to tread”. Then he said if you don’t do something you don’t know how it would have been and so regret is again pointless

I had one conversation I had was about a single important regretted decision and faced with a time machine it would be very conflicting to decide what to do. It seems on one level easy to think that you would like to go back with what you know now and help yourself make a different decision. But that changes EVERYTHING, it changes who we are and who we become.

The hurt, even at its deepest, shapes who we become. Strength comes from enduring and character from making hard decisions.

For example I married the wrong person the first time, but without that I would not have my kids, but it is more than that, I would not have known I did not have them, if that makes sense. But there is so much more that it is taught me and moulded me that I think in myself I would be different. I would not have pink hair.

Things I do wish I could change involve hurting others. And at times I wish I could undo some of that. We are often selfish and we don’t always act thinking of others. But maybe it was part of their journey and lessons to learn.

To feel the really good, we have to be able to weather through the really bad. Otherwise we are just anesthetized and live through all experiences without really feeling them. The sadness that brings you to your knees and makes it hard to even breath, is balanced by the joy that makes your heart want to burst. If we undo the bad maybe we undo the good too.

So would you get into the time machine and go and do or undo something?

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Titus 4 months

Feeling better

I really am feeling a lot better than when I wrote that last blog post. I did a few things to make things easier and have been more organised. I also have great friends who have made all the difference, especially Catherine who knows how it feels and we have a good moan. I have been examining the things that made me feel less in control and have been working on each one at a time. The school room is being organised within an inch of its life. I have made a whole bunch of stuff and have been getting great ideas from Pinterest for things to do. I will blog about it on the kids blog soon. I even got a laminator and a glue gun which made me very happy.

Even though I often felt like staying at home getting out and seeing people helps too. I met up with Shelly and Suzanne and that is always lovely. I also take the kids to pottery on a farm in Philadelphia and have made good friends with Carle of Nurturing Fibres we knit and chat and it is lovely. The kids get on so well and ask all week when it is time to go to pottery.

I have also been busy organising hats for the cancer kids hat challenge it is good to focus on others and doing things to help, makes me feel a lot less sorry for myself.

If you want to see pictures of Little Man Titus and how he has grown and is in fact not such a little man at all then pop over to Catherine’s Flickr and see his 4 months pictures. We are doing photos every month for a year so we can do a picture a month project. One sneak peak to show how cute he is

Titus 4 months

And then I have finally put up the pictures of Caleb’s lego party on the kids blog here

(something gives me the idea I have too many blogs, but they seem to serve a purpose having stuff in different place or do you think I should just have the kids and the knitting and all on here?)

I have also been reading an interesting book on Money and how much of it is linked to how we think and feel about ourselves and what we attract into our lives. I was sharing a bit about it with Shelly and Suzanne but it has challenged me to change some of my more negative thoughts and think about what I really want to attract into my life.

Well it is bedtime. Thanks for all the support as always. I need to blog more. I got out of the habit with all the new baby stuff but I need this so hope I can get into the swig of it again.

National Cleavage Day

It is National Cleavage Day #NCD, a day to appreciate being a woman and having breasts. And while I love my breasts, as most of you know, they have had a bit of help to be what they are today.
ncd

But a day like today is not just all about the fun of boobs, for some women the thought of showing anyone their cleavage is enough to send them into a cold sweat.I know the agony on being flat chested. And yes I did say agony, while I don’t believe every woman with slighlty less adipose tissue on her chest is a misery, I have been on that side of the fence and I know that our society places such a big emphasis on breasts that it is hard to come away unscathed. Add to that someone telling you that you are inadequate and it is next to impossible to feel that you are in any way shape or form sexy or desirable.

I do believe that there are some awesome, strong, wonderful woman with small breasts who are happy in themselves and would never consider doing what I did. I salute them, their honesty and ability to look beyond our society and find true worth inside is what we should all strive for. I long for the day when we celebrate bodies in all shapes and sizes and breasts in all their big, small, droopy and perky glory.

I am happy I had mine done and often find myself looking at them admiringly or just having to touch to see that they are there and actually mine. They have done a lot for my confidence and maybe I should have been able to fight the demons on the past without help from surgery but I am not sorry I did it. What I can say is that I now know that there are plenty of good men out there to whom the size of your breasts does not matter and to them I say thank you. The gift you gave me of knowing I am desirable like I am is something I treasure.

One of the huge bonuses of small boobs is they are super orgasmically sensitive, makes fun times even more fun 😉 , I know from my own experience and from talking to guys who have seen the different ways woman react have to having their nipples touched. While I am not saying that large breasted woman do not have fun it seems the reaction is intensified with smaller boobs but not having done a proper study on this (and maybe I will leave it for one of the boys) I am willing to be corrected.

Boobs Boobs glorious boobs, I celebrate #NCD and pay tribute to all woman no matter their shape or size. I only wish that I had been confident enough to participate in something like this before I had my op.

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I have everything I need.

Right now I am happy, yes you read right. Sally-Jane’s emo blog has the word happy on it. I am, and you know the strangest part is that I am not anywhere near the place I thought I would be when I typed those words. But events of the past few weeks have brought some clarity.

I know that I need time and space to heal. I need to examine how and why I got my self into the place I did and the events in my life since leaving my marriage. One thing I know is that I am not good at being alone. Luckily for me I am surrounded by the most awesome friends that a girl could ask for, they hold me up. I really mean that, without them I would not survive even one day.

Situations and circumstances mean that I am alone, but at the same time I am not, if that makes sense. I need this time to sort out my life get to a place where I am independent and where I will never again be at a disadvantage like I was after my marriage ended. I realize that I need to learn the difference between being more in control of my life and total bloody minded independence for independence sake. I must not do it at the cost of cutting people off and I need to learn to accept help when I need not do stuff just to prove that I could do it ALL by myself.

So these are the things I need that people give me in my life right now

– I need the single moms who shows such amazing strength and show me it can be done
– I need my amazing business partner and very very close friend Barbara, I have no idea how I will ever cope without her being around
– I need the bench where I can sit and look at the beauty and calm and find a way to bring it into my life.
– I need the happy, even when it is slightly more complicated than intended and boundaries are getting blurred
– I need the awesome, the big dreams and the huge ideas and the art of friendship
– I need people to expect the best from me and help me to achieve it and never settle for mediocre
– I need love

I know that the future is going to be hard and that there are so many things that I have to face and do in the coming year but if I focus on all of that now I think I might pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed. Rather what I choose to focus on are the moments of joy, laughter, comfort, peace and happiness that I share with the amazing people in my life. I will let the happy feed my soul and make the journey ahead a little easier.

Boobs need support – I need to run

It has been ages since I last ran and I am really starting to get rather fidgety. Tomorrow is 5 weeks since the new boobs, that I am totally in love with by the way! Monday I go for my last check up and hopefully get the all clear to start run again. So I now need to go and get sports bra to run with. I just never bothered with a bra when running before, well to be honest I just never bother with a bra most of the time, but the new boobs will need support so they don’t fall down and land up around my belly button – not the look I was going for! The natural droop is one thing, but 2 foreign silicon circles migrating to my stomach is another. This unfortunate stage of affairs is called ‘Bottoming Out’ btw and for some very interesting pictures Google is your friend. Bottoming Out is one of the post boob op complication I was warned about and although totally correctable it is one I would really rather avoid. So an uber tight boobs-going-nowhere sport bra is on the shopping list.

Running is my happy drug it really makes me feel heaps better about myself and my world. You can sort out so many things in your head while you run. Maybe it is all the bouncing around that jostles the thoughts into some coherent pattern or maybe it is the forward motion that makes you see ways to get things in my life moving forward too, or maybe it is just the fresh air and time to think away from the constant demand on my attention from kids, computer, work, twitter, blogs, phone, friends and life in general. I know no one is going to talk to me and it is one of the few times I get with just me and my thoughts.

I was told that running is going to age me with all that bouncing up and down and that I am going to look like an old hag soon. Cycling was recommended, but there are a few problems with this suggestion. Well there is only one problem really it just has numerous potentially disastrous outcomes. I CAN’T ride a bike. Yes yes I know but what is a girl to do? I have a bike, a very fancy (so I am told as I know nothing about bikes) mountain bike with gears and all. My ex did try to teach me, but I am terrified and I still maintain if you did not learn as a kid you have very little hope as an adult. While there is less impact riding a bike when you know how, the impact of me falling off all the time is not going to do anything for my looks either. Okay so my skin might not sag as much but I will be covered in scars, I might lose a limb or even better yet be killed and then all I will have achieved is being a young pretty corpse! And bikes need maintenance and get punctures and all these things that I have no idea how to solve – No D I don’t want to learn 😉

No it is just going to have to be running, well slow plodding to be honest especially after these few sedentary weeks. All I need is me and a pair of shoes. Besides now that I can eat again, I need to run or the kg’s are going to start piling on. 2 Oceans here I come.

Lists, Rules and Requirements for the ideal man – Just make me happy

Years ago I remember sitting in Tings n Times with my sister. I had just come back from a fantastic time living and working in Switzerland and the UK for a year and then touring all around Europe for 6 weeks. Sarah and I were discussing what I wanted in a man and she drew a picture and had all these attributes around it. I wish I could find that picture and have a good laugh now.

After my blog on The Rules and having discussions with friends about what you look for in someone you want to be with, I came to the conclusion that all these things are just a load of rubbish. Yes I know that The Rules one is just a joke and it is funny but we all seem to have these lists or ideas about what makes someone the perfect partner for us. I give up on all this, the lists are being torn up and the idea of my perfect man is being abandoned. I am sure there are some things that are going to make someone instantly more attractive to me than others but I am willing to be more open to surprise, rather than boxing people before I even venture deeper.

I think the problem with lists is that they are cooked up in our little rational heads and so often the head does not really know what the heart and soul truly needs. So how do you know what the heart needs and what to look for ? The simple answer – You don’t! But being open enough to believing your heart and have realistic expectations about what another person can provide in your life is a good start. I am by no means suggesting compromising just being a lot less rational and head driven.

I want the person that makes me happy just being who they are. They don’t have to try, they make me smile and light up my world just by being there. I think the realization that I am a totally fallible human being and that I can in no way live up to anyone else list has made me see that to start with expectations that at some point will be dashed is asking for disaster. No one is going to get it right all the time or even most of the time. I just want the person who loves me enough to try.

I found this poem on a blog I read: I wrote this for you

The Glitter Pheonix Burns Again

I won’t compose prose every morning you open your eyes next to me (I won’t compare you to a summer’s day).

I won’t kiss the tears from your cheeks whenever you cry.

I won’t remember every appointment.

I won’t keep the sheen on my armour.

I won’t know what to say sometimes.

I won’t get your order right.

I’ll be late.

I’ll fuck-up.

But I’ll write something for you when you least expect it (in summer or winter).

But I’ll hold you as tight as I can whenever I can.

But I’ll burst through the door as soon as I remember.

But I’ll polish it until it shines again.

But I’ll say something anyway.

But I’ll go back and make it right.

But I’ll get there.

But I’ll try.

My good friend D told me about how one day when his girlfriend walked into the room he smiled at her, she just made his face light up. He notice that it had a positive effect on her, knowing she lit up his world. He made a conscious decision not to get USED to the idea of seeing her, so he always smiled because it’s what you do the first time you see someone you love. Now this might sound very calculated and even though there was an element of rational thought – it was a heart decision. She made him happy and smiling at her made her happy.

I know that no one else is responsible for our happiness and that we have to create this ourselves and it is not the idea of relying on the other person for happiness it is that they just bring such joy into your life. The wait begins. I am not seeking I am waiting being open to possibilities.