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No until Death us do part

I have been thinking a lot about wedding vows with The Geek and my wedding coming up in a few short weeks. We want to write our own vows. I am sure not everyone is like me but as I think about the promises I want to make I ponder if people in the audience look at me as a divorced woman and think – “I wonder if she is going to keep them this time”

Maybe being older and wiser and slightly more cynical I am thinking about my promises more carefully. I am not religious. I don’t believe that marriage should be forever if it is damaging to either party. If there is one thing I have learnt is that life does not go to plan. I have seen friends with the greatest love, ended by a cruel twist of fate. Sometimes we marry for the wrong reasons or we grow apart or things just happen.

Did I mean my vows when I said them the first time? – of course. I was not planning to get divorced it was not even an option. But it happened. I am not a bad person. I did not fail, although I am sure there are plenty who think “you just have to try harder and it will work out”. I don’t believe that, I tried for 8 years, sometimes the bravest thing to do is to get out.

I think marriage should be viewed more like a business partnership, obviously a lot more emotional and loving but no one thinks badly of you if a business partnership ends or changes. People grow and change and sometimes it is not in the same direction.

I found this article and it rung true for me:

“People understand that anything can happen in life, and you don’t make a promise you can’t keep. When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said ”til death do us part’ — you didn’t keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised ‘til death do us part’ — it is the sticking point in the healing of a broken marriage. The wording can give you a stigma of personal failure.”

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,163251,00.html#ixzz2JFi3Rala

I am no less committed to The Geek, in fact I don’t think I have ever thought so long and hard about promises before. I want to say what I know I can keep, and words that will challenge me to work as hard as I can on this relationship. I do not see it as an easy way out to not say until death us do part. I am not just presuming we will stay together, I know we have to work at it and make a conscious choice to make it work.

I know many will disagree with me and think that these are the sort of things that lead to high divorce rate. But in my mind, things happen, sometimes very unexpected things and no one should have to stay miserable in a broken relationship just for the sake of others in society worrying about our morals. There are no prizes for a life of unhappiness.

What do you think?

Chop chop

I did not sleep well on Tuesday night, it is always the same when I have to wake up for something important the next day, I wake up just about every hour. I think the most nerve wreaking part of the day was having to drive into town, I had no idea where I was going or where to find parking. I had asked on twitter the night before and with the GPS actually found the parkade people had suggested. It was on the next street and the entrance when you walk out takes you across the street from the Divorce court. Could not have been easier.

I got the just after 8am, Andre was already there and we had coffee and chatted. How cool, in Cape Town central you can sit outside a coffee shop and relax. I am not sure that the same is true for Pta or Jhb. It was a lovely day and the coffee shop even had a clean toilet which is a must when pregnant. Great start to the day.

At about 8:45 we headed to the court and found where we were supposed to go. Apparently they help all the people with lawyers and that are on the roll first and then the waiting room full of people waiting for state help. So we stand around and wait for the lawyer. And we wait and we wait. 9:15 he phones and says he is on the way, he pitches up at 9:50! The court has already started but he slips in and soon says I can go in. Our case is called next. After some confusion as to why I am there and not the ex the actual process goes very very quickly. Apart from the lawyer thinking that ex is in NZ rather than UK and not actually telling me what I am supposed to say it was all okay.

I am glad it is all over, it has been a long fight and while in many ways it does not change much, in another it does. It makes it final it draws a line and means that new beginnings are just that, new and not tainted by the unfinished.

I went to fetch the kids from Suzanne, she said they were really good, which is a relief. They get on really well with Suzanne’s kids and Caleb was so exhausted from all his playing he fell asleep in the car and transfered to bed and slept a good long nap. Again I am so grateful to friend who help me make it all easier.

The best part of the whole day was coming home, yes it was messy and looked like a tornado swept through it, we had all left in a rush in the morning, BUT it was a place I know I am loved. Above all else and even through disagreements and stress, all is based on love and wanting to make this a happy home. Thank goodness for 2nd chances, maybe that is what one celebrates.

Finally

Tomorrow I am getting divorced. I have planned my outfit, found something I look slightly less  pregnant in. No idea why it feels important not to look pregnant but somehow it does. Or maybe I should just wear a tight top and cause the quiet behind the hands whispers. At 16 weeks it is ridiculous to have a bump at all but it is there and a lot of it.

I have some really great friends helping me tomorrow. Andre is coming with me to court and has stood by as a friend as I have fought for this day. I am really glad not to be doing it alone. Suzanne and her 2 lovely kids are watching my pinklets which is a huge help and I am glad not to have to worry about them. I have amazing friends and feel very supported and loved tomorrow.

I am sorry I can’t have a proper celebration drink afterwards. But good timing and planning where never my strong point. I am sure one celebratory champagne would be okay? In a way it feels funny to say celebrate a divorce, after all a broken relationship is nothing to celebrate. But there are times when getting out is the best thing to do, for all concerned. The celebration is not of the failure but of the ability to look forward to new beginnings.

So he has a girlfriend!

It was Rachel’s birthday on Friday. I asked ex to please send her a card as I was supposed to get the gift for her. He was offshore and moaned he could not do it in time. But then the next time he phoned he told her he had posted her a card and she was so excited. No matter what happens between him and I and who thinks who is to blame or who feels more hard done by, I was always dissapointed that he never posted them anything. It costs next to nothing to post a birthday or Christmas card or even a letter but nothing. I have things the kids made but was never given an address to send it to. I got one address and then was told not to use it as he was moving. I finally resorted to sending a card to my aunt in England who he is friends with.

So today we go to the post office after checking all of last week and there is a parcel slip for her. I don’t recognise the writing and wonder who could have sent it. We open it and it is from ex, well it is written in a woman’s hand writing and lots of loving words ex would never write himself and is signed Daddy and Lucy.

So the first we get to know of the girlfriend is a name in a card. Shew that needed a bit of explaining. Don’t get me wrong I am delighted that he has moved on. I wish them the best. I hope we both do a better job this time around in our new relationships. I just think he should have prepared her. I had millions of questions I had no idea how to answer. I wish he would spend some time telling her about his life rather than drilling her as to if I am doing enough school work with her.

But it does make sense as to why he has not been obstructional about the divorce anymore. Everyone said it was because I was knocked up, but he started cooperating before I announced anything so I think maybe the new woman has motivated him to get this done.

And on that note, this time next week I am DIVORCED! Yay wow it has been a long long fight.

Updates

It seems fitting somehow that on spring day 1 September I got all sorts of news but the 2 big ones are

The lawyer’s office phoned and we have a court date. 29 September, yay in less than a month a year and a half’s worth of fighting is finally over. I can hardly believe it. Does a party sound crude? It is just such an immense relief to finally get it over. I have no idea why this paper means so much as it really does not change anything but somehow it seems important. Besides in rather a humorous way, it would be nice to go to court before I look like I swallowed a melon. Now I need to find a kid sitter for the day and a friend to come sit with me. I am sure I will be fine alone but it will be nice to have a bit of moral support.

We found out that pinkgeekbaby is in fact only one and not 2 as was feared, but I am just fat and showing big for only 12 weeks. The story is on the other blog

So all round good news. In other news we decided to go for the house in Melkbos and will be moving at the end of October. I am really looking forward to having our own house and am thinking about all the things I can finally do with my own space. Rainwater butt, veg garden, solar panels, etc ooh I can make a little eco house! Besides I get to paint ( eco paint of course) but I love colour, I wonder if Yme is ready for all the colour 😉

Life happens when you are making other plans

* so we are pregnant, the decision has all been made and pinkgeek baby is here to stay. I am going to be keeping most of the baby stuff on the Pinky and the Geek blog so pop over there from time to time to see what we are up to as we journey from to having our baby. Hopefully I can get Geek to also blog regularly and it should be cool to see our very different points of view.
* I am really getting more settled in Cape Town and am making plans to get out more and to do stuff with the kids.
* I joined a home school group in Durbanville and am going to our first meeting this week Friday, they are also doing an Aquarium visit later this month which should be cool.
* Money, money, money there is just not quite enough to go around, was doing the budget last night and was feeling more and more despondent by the end of it – oh well, budget meal planning here we come.
* My boobs are having their one year anniversary on 6 August – can you believe it has been a year. Wow! Best thing I ever did. Love them to bits.
* I have new glasses they are, surprise, surprise – Pink with butterflies on the side
* My good friend Ghilraen and family are coming to Cape Town later this month and I am very excited
* Geek and I went on our first ever date on Friday night, all very backwards I know but it was lovely. We had dinner and then went to see Inception. Thanks to Ouma Annatjie for watching the kids for us.
* I need to phone the lawyer and see what is happening about the divorce there is some hope that this might actually work this time.
* we need to move, we just do not have enough space here for 4 of us let alone 5, but we don’t really have the money to move.
* My parents have offered to help us buy a house, we are looking at it seriously, but realize that this kind of thing with family can be tricky and again are just not sure we can pay enough towards a house. Wow property prices in CT are expensive!
* Yme passed his exams.
* I am really proud of Rachel’s reading at the moment.
* I could sleep all day – no really all day. This 1st trimester with all the sickness and tiredness is for the birds. The problem with even a small nap is that Caleb being a boy causes holy terror. The one day he emptied all the juice concentrate in Rachel’s toy kitchen, the next day he drew on the braai wall outside with a pen and while I was scrubbing it off ‘watered’ the plants with Handy Andy. etc etc so you can see why I am scared to lie down even for 5 minutes.
* Friends and family have been so lovely and so supportive, even though this is unplanned and a little soon, we have been blessed by great people in our lives.

Ask me anything

I know a few people have done this on their blogs, I know Laura did it a while back and Richard did it recently, so basically the idea is that you get to ask my anything in the comments section and I will answer later. Ask 1 ask 20, just ask something! This could be quite interesting, lets see what people want to know about the pink hair chick.

10 bonus points for the most original question

Answers:

Zola:
Q: 1. Why pink hair? Is it a trade mark and why not purple or red, why did you choose pink?
A: I like pink, I did not start out with the intension of it being a trade mark, in fact I was only going to have a few streaks and well I sort of got a bit addicted. Pink makes me happy. I guess I have become known for it now

Scott:
Q: I’m guessing ‘what is your real hair colour?’ isn’t what you want to hear…. How about *scrapes barrel*:
What would you do with a placenta?
A) Cook it with onions and sage and eat it in a candlelit ceremony
B) Bury it under a tree in the garden, next to an ex-pet
C) Donate it to medical research or
D) Try not to think about it and hope that it is discreetly disposed of?

A: My real hair colour is strawberry blond like my daughter in the picture in this blog but it lost a lot of the copper and was more just mousy brown – I can’t do mousy brown!

I have had 2 placentas – one i buried under a rose bush the other the midwives took away after the birth as we were just renting and i had no where to plant it.

Dawn:
Q: How much does maintaining that gorgeous peeeeenk hair cost every month?
A: It is complicated
I import the dye which is about $9 a bottle and i get 2-3 application out of a bottle. And each application lasts about 4-5 weeks. This I do myself – well I mean Sharon does it for me at home. The bleaching and cut I have done at the hairdresser every 2 months and that is about R650

Yme
Q: What’s the one material thing you can’t/won’t live without?
A: My computer as I run my business from it and I need to make money, but for that reason alone. Otherwise I think if i HAD to I could live without a lot of stuff.

Wenchy
Q: Why are you getting divorced? What happened?
this blog on leaving and this one on my part maybe explain it a little. We were too different and should never have been together in the first place.

Gina
Q:Hmmmm,
Perhaps we should ask some ‘interesting’ questions
When did you lose your virginity?
Where?
Was it everything you hoped for or do you wish it had been different?

When 1995 I was 17, in my res room at University. It was okay, it was both of our first times so it was rather awkward but we really cared for each other and that make it something I don’t regret. As first times go I think it was fine. The only thing that was a bit of a dampener on the situation was one of my friends knocking on the door ( thank goodness I locked it) and asking if I was in. We had to try hard not to laugh and wait until she left thinking I was out 😉

Richard
*Rubs hands together*

Q: Most embarrassing moment?
A: You know I don’t really have one, how sad is that, obviously there are little stupid things we do in life but I can’t think of one that stands out a being huge

Q: Biggest fear?
A: Dying before my kids are a lot older, not because I am scared of dying it is just they have been through so much already and the turmoil to them would be huge.

Q:Wildest dream?
At this point it is falling in love – I mean the whole deal. I want to say that in my wildest dreams i did not imagine it could be this great.

Q:What could you NOT live without?
A: besides people in my life like my kids i guess the stuff that keeps you alive like water and food, and then physical touch ( sex, but the touch more than the sex) . I know if my ex reads this he will laugh as i was just about asexual in our relationship but there were reasons i suppressed my natural desire to be touched and held. My love language is definitely physical affection.

Q: Most public place you’ve had sex?
A: There are a few you choose which counts as most public
– In a pool with other people around
-outside on a quiet path near the edge of a little tiny swiss village with the mountain in the background,
– on a beach in Greece – at night it was dark

Q: And Finally, What would you do if you woke up one morning and there was a pigs head next to you?
A: Scream!!

Kkthx <3 Bman Q: Does the curtain match the drapes ? A: There is very little to match but the thought has crossed my mind, not so sure about the bleach being such a good idea down there 😉 but I like the idea. Jack Q: Who has the best tongue that you know? A: Haha this is my blog so I can say whatever I like about myself but naming other people is not so cool. But all I will say is that he knows who he is. Madeline Q:How are you coping with the kids on your own? A: I am quite used to it, in the UK when my son was born and my daughter was only 3 I had then ALL alone for 2 weeks at a time every month when my ex was on the oill rigs 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. There I had no domestic and no parents to help. So here it is in some ways easier as I have a domestic who is like a saint with me and my chaos and the kids, and I have my parents who live next door and I have lots of amazing friends. I guess what is hard now is juggling them and earning a living. Barb Q: What is your earliest childhood memory? A:I have no idea what are true memories and what I have see in photos and been told. But i guess I remember dressing up with Jenni in the garden, I remember hating nursery school. I remember one very cold morning Jenni getting ready to go to big school next to the heater in the lounge it was dark and her clothes were warming over the heater and I was sitting next to it watching my mom help her. Q: Which one question do people always ask you when they don’t know what to say? (e.g. mine has always been – Are you always this quiet?) A: I have never had a question before but now it is always why do I have pink hair. Diddle Q: Is part of the reason you keep dyeing your hair pink that you like the attention? Does it make you feel more confident? Also, do you really believe it suits your complexion? A: Gosh sounds like you disprove of my pink hair. No I don't dye it for the attention, I really hardly notice people looking anymore. It does not make me more confident it reminds me who I am and makes me feel happy so I guess in a way it makes me more able to be me. As for it suiting or not suiting my complexion - I don't really give a shit, but a lot of people tell me it suits me. If you disagree I don't really care. Sleepyjane Q: One of your biggest regrets? I don't do regrets, everything makes me who I am. I just don't like that sometimes things i did hurt others Q: Your biggest pet peeve? A: A stupid little one is people mis-pronouncing the word 'trait' Q: Your favourite comfort food? A: Anything sweet, i like chocolate a LOT Zeenoid Q: What is the single weirdest thing that you’ve done? A: You mean besides having pink hair. I guess it would be birthing my son at home without any medical help. Q: Does all the hair match? A: see my answer above Q:Can you do the splits and touch the ground with you nose? A: not even nearly Barb Q:If you could have a superpower what would it be and why? A: I always said being invisible, but right now I want the ability to change someone's mind. I want to help and they are not letting me. It is making me sad as I know I could make a difference. Q: If pink did not exist what would be your favourite colour? A: OOh life with no pink that that is a horrible horrible thought! No can't do it, can't even begin to think of life without pink, I like green and orange but not in the same way as I feel about pink. Q: Since you drink all these weird vile things ‘because they good for you’ – would you use the Semen Recipe book if i got it for you for christmas? … it is mos good for you! *snigger* A: How good for me is it? It would have to be very very very good for me and scientifically proven to be so. But the problem is that to use the semen recipe book i would have to have a supply of semen available and I don't. Q:Do you think the most interesting thing about you is your pink hair? lol A: It is the most remarkable and the most memorable but there is a lot more to me than just pink hair ShoN Q:What’s the one thing in your past that you would change/do differently, if you had the opportunity to do so?! A: There is only one thing that I want to do with the past and that is learn from it, i can't change it because then it would change me. We learn through the good and bad. Gilz Q: What’s one thing in life that you have not done yet and will do NO MATTER WHAT? A: I want to take the kids around Europe for 6 months in a camper van learning and experiencing things rather than reading about them in book. Clarence Q: If you support the Freestate Cheetahs but next season they buy 80% of the Bulls players. Would you still support the Cheetah,s as technically you are supporting the Bulls. ? A: which jersey will go with my hair better? I will go with that team. Sharon Q: When can we meet for coffee again so I can hear the answers to all these questions? A: Name a time, I would love to do coffee again, but the answers are above 😉 Q: Oh and I also want to know what Wenchy asked. A: above You a brave girl putting up a post like this I know I don’t have the guts! It is not that brave, it has been fun. I have been told I am too honest. Bobbi Q: What a good post, my question is do you have a tattoo and if so where and what. If not would you ever get one and what would it be? A: No not yet, I would love to have one. I like the lower back but am told they are not cool. So actually I have no idea, i also don't know what to get, as soon as I have solved these 2 problems I will get one. Demaria Very interesting post. thanks for sharing. I was going to ask about the pink hair and the divorce, but you’ve answered that, thanks. Cazpi Q: Just have to say this is awesome – would LOVE to do it myself as well. Fun My random question: You stated above about love : ¨I want to say that in my wildest dreams i did not imagine it could be this great.¨ Does that mean you are IN love currently>?
A: That is a really good question

Leebeesa
Q:what do you think is the most important thing you want to teach your daughter and son about love and relationships?
A: Risk all to fall in love totally and completely, never settle. You might get hurt but it is always worth it. If you find it hold on with both hands and don’t let go.

Q:Are you a cat person or a dog person?
A: Dog

Q: What is your food weakness?
A: Chocolate

Tanya
Q: If you could only eat one meal every day for the rest of your life, what would that meal be?
A:Salad or pizza as you can make them a million different ways and not get sick of them

Q:What is your favourite book?
A: This is one of the questions I find very very hard to answer, I love books and reading and there are so many beautifully written books, the ones where you literally laugh out loud until your sides hurt or the ones where you feel the emotion so much that the tears stream down your face. Books are like friends they enrich your life, I guess it was one of the things I never understood about my ex, the fact that he did not read and saw no value in it.
One that spring to mind Catch 22, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Kite runner, Thousand splendid suns, Wuthering heights and and and. I want to read the 101 books to read before you die – but that is a new blog all on its own.

Q: Have your kids been affected by the divorce?
A: Hard to say, they are very little. I think have an environment with less fighting and animosity has been good for them. Ask me in 10 years and I guess I will know better how much this will affect them

Q: What is your best attribute (character and physical)? And your worst?
A: Best character attribute: wanting to help others, I like connecting with people, talking exchanging ideas, finding meaning and purpose and being open to them touching my life and me touching theirs
worst character attribute: my temper
best physical: hahaha can I say my new boobs? I love them
worst: I have always been told I have a big bum

Q:Oh… and who is Diddle?
A: I have no clue, but hope it is not just me that thought they were a tad rude!

S_Mesh ( questions on twitter)
Q: Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them?
A: No too many people need me here now, find some brainy scientist. I am of no value in something like that but there are 2 beautiful little people that need me here and other people who’s lives I am in and need to be part of

Q: If you have twitter and blogger friends coming for supper what would you cook?
A: Depends on the people but if they liked sushi i might make that, it is quite fun and I have the mat and all.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because the hair dresser was on the other side and it was pink feather day

Q: Who was your hero as a child?
A: I don’t remember having one as such, I was too busy trying to get my own way 😉

Q: If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
A: Something nocturnal I guess and what animals are there that have sex for pleasure? I know it is us and dolphins. So a nocturnal sex animal. Oh and the monkeys they have a lot of physical contact i guess I could be one of those. Or what about something that is pink – not too keen on being a bird though.

haha i think all this has highlighted that I am quite indecisive choose one thing is hard for me

This has been great fun thank you everyone who asked questions!

Snappping Turtle
Q: How are the new boobs doing? Are they all you ever dreamed of?
I love them, no really really love them, they are fantastic, so much more than I ever dream or hoped for. And that I did them when I did just for me and that makes them even more great. The are rather firm, but they feel good – I am told. 😉 and I have lost no sensation which I was worried about.
They make wearing clothes designed for a female figure with some shape so so much nicer. Best money I ever spent.

Nicci
Q:You know that you made me re-think getting plastic surgery Would you let me touch your boobs when I see you next LOL!!
A: of course you can, don’t feel shy just ask.

My part

I had a conversation with a friend recently who was questioning her own part in an abusive relationship and if it was her fault as her husband suggested. She was worried that if it was in deed all her fault then maybe she would just go on to do the same in another relationship.

It got me thinking about ownership of guilt and responsibility. I by no stretch of the imagination believe that I was blameless in my relationship falling apart, or that the fault should all be with my ex. It is quite a scary place to be on the other side of a relationship that has failed and try to see why. How did you land up there in the first place? Why did you stay? And was walking away the best thing?

Yes walking away for me has been the best thing. I have a weight lifted off my shoulders that I don’t think I even realized half the time was there. I actually look forward to life and to the future rather than wondering how I will survive another day. I know that my ex is bitter and thinks that I did not try to fix things and that it could have been different. The problem was that I knew it could not be, it was like I had woken up and saw myself again and knew that I could never go back and be that woman again. He could never give me what I needed. It hurts him I won’t try, he feels he has more insight and things could be different. I don’t, I have just move too far from where we were. I think basically we are just 2 totally different people.

I am an explosive, temperamental person, passionate. My reactions, thoughts and feelings are big. So when in a controlling relationship my instinct is to fight back, and I did fight. I was not passive. We were like a match and petrol. I think what I came to realize is that fighting did not often change the outcome and so it became about the fight and the constant trying to win for the sake of it, we were very destructive in each others lives.

It is not nice for anyone to live with constant animosity. I don’t blame him alone and take ownership of my part. I hope one day he can see we are better apart.

As for myself and the future, I want that love, the one that is all consuming, passionate, giddy, a little crazy but that love that I see in my sister and her husband, they bring out the best in each other. My sister is the best she can be with her wonderful man at her side – I want that.

4 more sleeps to my new Boobs

On Thursday I am having breast implants. I am both excited and terrified. Having been flat chested all my life this is something I have wanted for a long time. But have never had the money or the guts to do it before. Nothing like a life changing divorce at 32 to make you ready for big changes.

My husband always moaned about my breasts, he told that the first time he saw me naked he was taken aback by my lack of boobs and has nagged me to get implants for ages. It is strange but when someone else suggested that I do it, I dug my heels in and would not even think about it. I think it was the suggestion of me not quite being good enough that I rebelled against.

Now coming out of that relationship and having to face my love hate relationship with my non existent mammaries I have had to think long and hard about this choice. Why am I doing it and why now?

I have successfully breastfed 2 kids for a total of 4 years so from a functional point of view my little breasts have done very well, but I have always wanted to feel that tiny bit more feminine and have those curves that makes buying clothes that little bit easier. I would like buying sexy lingerie to be fun and not just depressing.

Maybe part of it is fearing that other men may react like my ex did when they see me naked, but I am so much more than the sum of my breasts. I am doing this for myself, it is not to please a man, to win and man or to keep a man. It is a little something for me.

I have no expectations that it will change my life or make me happier or a more satisfied person. I also do not expect that they will be perfect. But they will make me feel good and are a little present to myself in what has been a difficult few months.

I am sure I should be sensible and save the money I have and not spend it on breast, but you know I am a little tired of sensible for the moment and so I throw caution to the wind. Besides I have a plan to make back some of the money.

It is quite surprising how many people have asked to feel them afterwards; I think it is quite funny actually. I guess people are curious to see what they will be like. I really have no problem with it at all. So I thought I could be like one of those kissing booths at the fair, except you put your R5 in the jar and get to feel my boobs rather than get a kiss.