So it is no secret that I have been feeling more than a little sorry for myself of late. A friend deciding to ignore me with no explanation was very hurtful and did not help my much blogged about sadness. Nothing like feeling you are not worth an explanation. I think the hardest part was not knowing quite what I had done or if they were okay. From ‘I will speak to you later’ to all contact being ignored was confusing. It obviously affected me on quite a subconscious level as I woke up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about my friend being seriously hurt and in hospital and this being the reason they had not responded.
Another friend checked and the person is okay, I guess sometimes we don’t get an explanation and we have to leave people to do what they need to do, does not make it hurt less though, but like D said you learn what things you have control over and which you don’t.
Now back to the title of my blog – I was reading that blog I like so much: I Wrote This For You and this entry really made me think long and hard about my life. I am lucky and privileged and blessed, it would do me good to act like it once in a while. So I apologies for my self absorption and will really try to start looking for the good. Like the trip to Cape Town I am planning that started as a joke on twitter but might actually be just what I need – but more about that tomorrow.
The Truth Behind Glass Mountains
This isn’t torture.
Torture happens in small, dark rooms in countries with names you struggle to spell.
This is just mildly unpleasant.
This isn’t heroism.
Heroism happens in churches that are also schools, performed by teachers with no names and no place to stay.
This is just a good deed for the day.
This isn’t loss.
Loss happens on fields filled with poppies, in hospitals buzzing with flies, in distant deserts and late at night when there’s no good reason for the phone to ring.
This is just longing.
This isn’t important.
Important happens on bended knees and is breathed on last breaths with hands clutched tight, hearts tighter.
This is just a distraction.
Not sure why I feel the need to blog this one but it has been floating around in my head for a while now so it needs to come out. I thought about it on my run and I realized that I like being thin, no I mean I really really like being thin. I have lost a lot of weight since I arrived back in South Africa back in January. As i have said before I am a stress non-eater so when times are tough it is hard for me to eat at all.
I am trying to figure out why every time I get onto the scale and I weigh less I actually quite like the feeling. I know that I am now bordering on getting just a little too thin and that I really should not loose any more weight but still when you weigh that 500g -1kg less it still feels good. Are we so conditioned by our society that loosing weight is always seen as a good thing?
Or is it the one thing that I have control over at the moment when all else feels like it is falling apart? I can control what I eat and if i don’t feel like it then it seems okay to go with that. I don’t feel as bad about eating as I did before, after my chat with D I was more able to get stuff into my mouth and actually swallow it. But I still have no appetite and could quite easily do without eating – well yes i know I could not do without it on a biological level but from a hunger point I could.
My first thought when I was able to eat again was ‘oh no now I will put on weight’ – I am sure that is not normal! So when I started running I thought ‘oh good at least it will help keep the weight off’
Quite a few men in my life over the years have indicated that putting on weight equals a withdrawal of affection. My ex did not like it when I put on weight after my kids. All this rolled in with the fact that I always got positive attention from people when I was younger for being so tall and thin, I think being thin is something I equate with feeling good about myself.
I guess putting this is black and white makes me look at it and the reasons I do things. I am not too thin yet – but i know it would not take much for me to go down that road.
There many be quite a few of these as I mull over all the things that D said to me. Like I said, D’s mind is one that I want to take a walk in around and see how it works. He assures me I would not like what I see, but still it is a chance I am willing to take.
He made me think about stuff that I really did not want to. He was not willing to give me sympathy, I wanted have someone validate how bad I felt and understand it. He understood, maybe better than most as he knows me so well, BUT he would not allow me to wallow in self pity which is destructive to me. D is pragmatic, if something is not working for you do something to chance it. He does not deny it is hard he just would rather see solutions and even small steps moving you in the right direction rather than morbid wallowing. He said I needed a challenge to change stuff and not just a shoulder to cry on – he was right.
The here and now is what we have to deal with and there are small moments of joy to be had in the midst of sadness. It does not take the sad away and it does not invalidate it, it just lets you live alongside the sadness rather than let it overwhelm you. Today for example I stood in the sun this morning drinking my first cup of coffee, the sun was warm and lovely and in that moment, in the present – my body felt good. I just took the time to feel the sensation and enjoy it.
The other big issue I need to ponder on is locus of control – but that is for another blog, because the here and now says I am really tired so I am off to bed. And you know I can even sleep for the first time in ages.
I saw my good friend D last night. He has been very busy and is about to move and I wanted to catch up before he left. He did not really know what has been happening in my life as we have not seen each other in a long time. So my plan was to keep it light and fluffy and get him talking about his move and keep the focus off me.
Hahahaha well that worked well for about the first 10mins! There are just some people in life that without trying just know you very very well. We have a connection that stays strong no matter how long it has been since we last saw each other. D is supportive in a very different way to most people. If there was ever a brain I wanted to be in for a day (well maybe longer, I don’t think I would ever understand it in a day! – probably not even a lifetime) then it would be D’s. He has such a unique view on the world and a way of thinking and understanding things on such a practical (this is not the right word but I can’t think what is) level. (If you can think of what the word is D please let me know.)
Well I have a lot to think about as always after a chat with D. Like eating. Food and I are not friends at the moment. I just feel nauseous all the time. I am an emotional non-eater rather than eater. I can’t run to get rid of my stress at the moment ( 2 weeks to go!!!) so it stays inside and that is not pretty. But D said I need to get in touch with myself on a more Biological level – my body needs food. Dying is not an option so I have to somehow get over this. He does not discount ones emotions but he also does not just let you use them as an excuse for what he thinks is not beneficial behavior. So some eating has to happen.
Thanks for being in my life D it just would not be the same without you. Even though my poor brain is still trying to cope with some of what you said.