And so it starts again


the decent into the black hole, somehow I hoped that being loved and supported this time would mean that it would not happen. Never mind the morning sickness and the tirdness from pregnancy this is the part that I really dread. The reason to say “I am not a baby person” the reason that the first few years seems so hard and like that just need to be endured rather and enjoyed. – PND

I hate seeing all the things that need doing and not being able to do them. I have too much to do as it is and now more and more is falling through the cracks. I am letting things slip with work, I really can’t keep up, even though things are slow I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done to get it all working more smoothly. I have been saying since November about needing to get a new website and streamline things but I just never get a chance.

I need to organize the chaos that is my house and again another weekend is over and still the piles of mess are everywhere and I can’t fix them holding a baby and dealing with the demands of the other 2. I see all the great ideas on Pinterest on how to get organised and make things work better and I just get started and then someone needs me again.I had great plans for the school room to make it work better so that it would be easier for us all, I worked all of Friday and most of Saturday and still did not even scratch the surface. It is like having this great plan in your head and no way of ever getting there. I got a laminator that I was so excited about and have not even had a chance to try it yet.

My Edinburgh pnd questionnaire was a 19 apparently above 10 you should go to your Dr. But I know the options and I am not suicidal at all, tearful, anxious, not wanting to see people, not coping – yes all of those but it is familiar I know that I will get through to the other side. Besides I remember the health visitor coming in the UK and saying that really you just have to live through it and that exercise is the best way and has been proven as effective as anti-depressants, well lets home water aerobics once a week help then. I know I could go get happy pills and if it does not lift soon I might. The lovely side effects of decreased libido and flattened affect are not really wanted though. Any new parent know sex is in short supply anyway and this time I actually miss it.

I love my children endlessly and Titus is a delight, he is a happy, cute, chubby wonderful baby and Rachel and Caleb are adjusting remarkably well. When I look at each of the I am so glad that they are in my life but wow hormones can ruin the joys of being a mom in the first years.

The wikipedia definition: A hormone (from Greek ὁρμή “impetus”) is a chemical released by a cell or a gland in one part of the body that sends out messages that affect cells in other parts of the organism. Only a small amount of hormone is required to alter cell metabolism. In essence, it is a chemical messenger that transports a signal from one cell to another. sounds so innocuous so Innocent, a little chemical messenger. Well I am not sure what messages mine have decided to start sending but it is not the happy. coping, smiling warm fuzzy ones.

The worse part is when it is not just you that this hurts. After another frustrating day of being able to get nothing done that I needed to and feeling overwhelmed and tired, during another evening of trying to hold the crying baby and make the supper and deal with Rachel’s 400 questions and Caleb’s demands for apples and general chaos you yell, I just don’t want to be a Mom anymore. To see the crumpled face of your 4 year old as he asks “don’t you want to be my mom anymore?” “do you just want to be Rachel’s mom?” then getting little I am sorree Mommy letters from Rachel. I hugged them and told them that I love them very much but that sometimes being a Mom was hard and that Mommies get frustrated. Damn these hormones – stop hurting my children.

Day 1 – something you hate about yourself

I hate that I am disorganized and untidy. I am not structured or well planned and so life can be quite chaotic.  I know it is part of my personality. It’s what makes me an ideas person, my brain is too busy to sit still. I am not a completer finisher. It makes it hard to be organised and structured. I know I would not function well with a strict routine and a very structured life, but one does need a certain amount of structure.

I wish I could just pay someone to come in and make things organised, put systems in place the deal with my chaos. Oh well I can always dream, or maybe it is the dreaming and not doing that gets me into trouble in the first place.