As I have been working my way through the boxes and stuff that was shipped I realized that we have way too much stuff. The kids and I survived since January with just about what we brought in our suitcases. Sure we have added a few things here and there but on the whole, besides some of their more special toys, we did not seem to need or miss very much stuff at all.
Now we suddenly have a house full (too full of stuff) and I am feeling a little over whelmed. I am being a bit like an ostrich and sticky my head in the proverbial sand and ignoring the problem. Most of the boxes are unpacked and there is stuff piled everywhere but it is now dealing with all the stuff that I am avoiding. I spend time at my computer where it is safe, when I really should be sorting my life out. I know that once it is more organised it will help with the sense of calm I need in my life at the moment. My excuse last week was that lifting and moving stuff was still not such a great idea with the new boobs but now I really don’t have that excuse. The boobs feel fine (and as a quick aside let me just say how much I love them – so glad I did it)
I am generally not a very organised or tidy person, I will find 100 better things to do, life just normally feel too short to spend too much time on being excessivly tidy, sure some sense of order is needed, but I like just a little chaos too, that if things are not quite where they should be all the time it is okay. Things being slightly out of place is one thing, but it is the amount of stuff that is weighing me down. There are things I have shipped and moved in the last 5 years that I should have gotten rid of ages go. I think I need a roll of black bags and a ruthless mood and I need to start throwing away. Maybe a bit like a diet detox – my life needs a bit of a detox and clean out.
You see the problem is that a lot of the stuff has memories tied into them, they remind me of just how far away I am from where I planned to be. A lot of the stuff also serves to remind me just what being alone means. I am faced with doing things I never had to before and am feeling just a little too far out of my comfort zone.
Time to let go and move on from not just my marriage but a lot of things from my life. Hanging on to things only burdens you, I need a lighter load if I am to have a new start.
Dear Bookcase screws
I really need you now, I am sure it has been fun hiding and watching us all search high and low for you. You see the thing is that I have very little that is uncomplicated in my life right now. I really need to be able to finish unpacking and get what control I can have over small things. There are boxes of books just waiting until I find you so that I can pack them away. You might feel small and undervalued but to me you are very very important right now. Please reveal yourselves soon.
Pink Hair Girl
So I fell in love and got my heart broken (shattered, pulverized, torn apart, add more painful adjectives here _____). The love I blogged a while back about never having felt before well it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not looking for it, in fact it was really not the best time in my life at all. But I guess no one tells your heart that it is supposed to be logical and choose its time to fall in love. The heart has motivation all of its own, that saying should be that a Heart rushes in where Angels fear to tread – rather than fools, but maybe the heart is foolish. Some one new just walked in and turn my whole life totally upside down
There was a moment this morning as I lay in bed unable to sleep that I wondered if it was better to be in a marriage where I did not feel love, at least you were insulated from the intensity of the pain when you loose love. My problem is that I have big emotions and they take over my world, I can’t do things in halves. I really wish I could. – All I want to know is when does the numb part set in, or if you feel this big do you just not get the pleasure of numb?
What did I learn:
– that I can love and that this amazing intense emotion is out there and that it is everything that they write, sing and make movies about and maybe even more.
– that love is not rational and that it comes when you least expect it and that you can’t plan to do it or plan to avoid it.
– that love takes a lot a guts and that you have to be willing to risk a lot, I think the risk is worth it as long as you always stay true to yourself.
– that I can be loved just as I am.
– but the biggest lesson I learnt was that saying I will never settle is worth sticking to, I need to be loved enough that I am someone sun, moon and stars, they have to be willing to fight for me, make the unpopular decision to be in my world. And if they can’t love me enough for this then the fault is not mine, it was not that I was not good enough it was that they did not love enough or have the courage to go with their heart.
– I want to say that I learnt it was worth waiting for the one that will love me this way but through the heart ache at the moment love feels like something that I need to avoid for a while.
I blogged yesterday about wanting a safe place, wanting and needing strong arms to hold me – well I never got it. One day I will, one day I will find my safe place and those strong arms that help to hold me up.
I got 3 things yesterday:
1) I got 2 amazing friend who literally held me up. Laura is my rock at the moment and her kindness and help is just what I need, the other person I have never even met, they just were on line at the right time and offered more support and help then I think they will ever realize. They stood in the hurricane of my emotions and literally helped me take the next breath when it felt like the pain was just too much to be able to breathe.
2) And then I got to go on, to be a mom because for 2 little people I am their world and they need me to cope. I don’t get to melt down.
3) And then I got boxes.
Our shipping arrived yesterday from England and while it seemed like the worst time in the world it was a good distraction. Even though I can’t really lift or do much I can open and slowly one thing at a time create some order in our little world. I can give my kids the joy of discovering their toys again and I can create a little world for us – maybe for now I just have to make ‘safe’ for myself.