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Pie

The New Look

PieI have not been actively blogging for a while. Life got busy and things seemed to fracture off into so many small piece that I never seemed to have time for anything let along blogging and I landed up with blogs all over the place. I had Pink Hair Girl and then started the Pinklets blog so that my ex would not have to read what they were doing in the middle of my stuff. It was in hope that he would engage and comment, which he does infrequently. I then started Pinky and the Geek for our baby journey and it was the right thing for the time but now when I want to blog about the kids including Titus I never know where to do it. On Pinklets? Here? on Pinky and the Geek so then I landed up not doing it at all. The the knitting idea started and again a new blog but what if I wanted to blog about a craft that was not knitting would that come here and then knitting there? All too confusing.

But I am one person, a bit like a pie with lots of parts but all making up one pie. So I decided to put the pie together. I needed a new theme to facilitate having all these parts in one place and it still needs some work. But a huge thank you to the Geek for helping me find a theme and put it all together into the wee hours of last night. I have added the shop of knitting stuff (not quite finished but still) at the top. Pinklets and Pinky and the Geek are linked pages at the top. Pinky and the Geek will stay like that. That story is finished for me. I need to get the Geek to write his birth experience to finally close the story but I would like to leave the link there so people who find this or are interested can read the story.

The Pinklets blog I actually want to import into here and add the posts and comments. I am just a little nervous as I am not sure if I add it here will it mess with the post numbering or structure on Pink Hair Girl? Anyone done this? Merged 2 blogs both with posts?

Now when I want to talk about one of the kids I can just do it here and not worry if it should be on this blog or that blog and then just never do it.

Hope you like the new theme, please add and comment or suggestions as to how I could change or make things better.

Looking back

I was blog jumping tonight, reading the blogs of new commenter’s and following links to other blogs. It is actually quite cool to read some new stuff. I so wish someone would pay me to blog and read blogs all day,  as there are so many  I wish I could keep up with. I am failing hopelessly at even the few I try read regularly.

But I digress. I was reading a post on Doodles of a journo about the unexpected benefits of blogging and how it is a great way to keep track of past events and that you can use it as a reference to check dates and keep memories of holidays and stuff. It is also a way to look back at changes in your life. The post was made on 30 Septemeber and in the comments people looked back at their own blogs to see what they were doing and how life had changed. I looked back at 30 Septemeber 2009, my blog was only 3 months old and it was not a good time in my life. The post that day was ‘ I don’t want to’ – very bleak.

Wow, could the change in one year be so big? I really needed that perspective and look back. I now have the most amazing man in my life, we live in Cape Town and got to spend the whole day at Cape Point today. I have amazing friends in my life. We are moving to our house-by-the-sea this month. There is a new baby on the way – a little unexpected, but all part of the journey. I have grown so much, if only I could have hugged my very hurting self then and said it was all going to be more than okay. But I guess it is the heart ache and real lows that make us grateful for the love and the real highs on the other side.

What were you doing a year ago?

Happy Birthday dear PHG blog

Birthday,balloons I actually missed the day that my blog turned ONE, I was thinking about it for weeks before and then at the time it was just hectic as always and I forgot. I am quite sad that I missed it as this little space in the world has come to mean quite a lot to me. It has helped me through some very dark days and out to the other side where life is a lot better. I know that in the world of blogging me and my blog are but infants but we have loved every minute so far and hope to be having many more birthdays

I have always said I write because I have to, the word bubble up inside me and I need to put them down somewhere, but as helpful as writing alone is, a benefit I never realized would come to mean so much to me, is the amazing people I have met through my blog and the support people have given me. I know there are those that think the support from comments should not be taken too much to heart as people can type any little message and it does not replace genuine care and support, but I might just have been lucky in that so many of the people who comment here have become real life friends who do care about me and mine.

Emotions and life can often feel overwhelming as things happen at strange and unplanned times but blogging gives a place to get it all out and it is like having a safety net of people out there that just gently with their words and kindness carry you through the good and bad times.

To all that have read and commented over the year, thank you, you really mean the world to me. I know there are a few of you that read but do not comment often or at all, please keep coming back and maybe just now and again let me know you are out there with a comment or 2, i do so love comments 😉

I have received criticism about my blog and about my choosing to share my world and emotions with others but no matter what others think I am proud of my little space in the world.

It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to

Tonight I toyed with the idea of starting a new anonymous blog.
One were I could write the things that were in my head, without the limitations of knowing the readers. I am sure I am not the first blogger to have this desire. I could start something new, quite easily, and write endlessly into the great abyss, but two things stopped me.

1) Time. I know it is quick to set up a free WordPress blog, but then I would spend the rest of the night looking for a theme that I liked, hating all the free ones and trying to customise one. It has to look pretty after all…

2) I like comments, I am a bit of a comment whore to be honest. It is not a numbers game, it is more just knowing people popped in and read what I wrote. A little ‘I was here’ note more than suffices, comments do not need to be profound, just present. I like the connection, the idea that my words have been seen, understood and shared by others. I would love to think that maybe one day they might even have an impact on people but I am not vain enough to think that what I write now is in any way profound enough for that.

So back to the problem at hand, I have always said I write because I have to, the words simply bubble up inside until they have to have a place to come out. Tonight is no exception, they need out. What I feel however makes no sense to me, so how do I suppose that with 10 fingers, 26 letters and a tired mind I have a hope of anything other than inarticulate unintelligible rambling? I am not sure but here goes

I feel all tearful and jiggery inside. I have heaps to do, too much as always, but I can’t concentrate on any of it. I want to have a good old cry but I feel mad at myself at the same time for feeling this way. Why on earth would I feel tearful when in fact I can not remember a time in my life when I have been happier? I am loved and supported and cared for by so many people and yet inside tonight I feel anxious and a little overwhelmed.

I feel like a juggler, I have all these balls in the air, all of them important and all of them counting on my to keep it all together and afloat, and I am terrified I am about to drop one. What I have to cope with here is only fractionally more than I had in Pretoria but I guess added to that the newness and uncertainty of my surroundings and the lack of familiar means that today it feels a little much. I have no pressure from anyone to be or do more than I can manage, the pressure to be all to everyone is self imposed.

I know it was a big move to Cape Town and just the emotional drain of packing and unpacking and helping the kids adjust, takes it’s toll. No matter how much I want to be here, and I do, I do not regret this move, not even for a minute, I guess I have to take into account that the changes will have an effect on my emotions. The problem is that I don’t want them to, I want to be fine and cope fine and make the transition without any hiccups and me smiling and happy and awesome – not feeling like I am slowly crumbing from the inside.

Black and white – it is easier when you are 5

I am dating someone else, there I said it. Phew. If I have learned anything it is that life does not come in nicely tidy boxes, it happens in total chaos and sometimes the timing could not look worse. I have not known how to write this blog, how not to be the badie, but maybe I am. But I can not longer not blog about it, this is my space, I have always said I write because I have to, and now is no exception.

I overheard Rachel asking my dad if the world was made of opposites. Then they discussed big and small, fast and slow etc. Listening to their happy chatter my brain went off on a totally different track. It is so easy to be black and white about things when you are 5, there are still absolutes. In a kids world things are usually one thing or another. As I get older though there seems to be a lot less black and white and a hell of a lot more grey.

Is the opposite of good, bad? Is it always that clear cut? I am sure you have all heard a story of the girl/guy who broke up with your friend ( or maybe even you) and then a few weeks later they were dating someone else and our usual response is to be mad and wonder: How could they be so insensitive? Did the other person not mean anything to them? We sympathise with our friend and say bitch/bastard and lots of head shaking goes on.

But because life is so seldom black and white, what happens when it is you? When you are the bad one. So I blogged about the relationship with Aequitas ending and as much as he was a fantastic person and he gave me so much, I healed and grew and relaxed with him, there was nothing I could do to stop it not being right. I tried to ignore the niggly feelings but I could not. It was never my intention to hurt him – I was told intentions are meaningless and maybe that is true. But relationships come with risk and I truly did not picture the end like it was at all.

But, and there is always a but in a grey world, an unexpected turn. There is a friend who has stood by me through a lot of stuff, someone who effortlessly gives me energy and knows what to say, when. I liked him the first time I met him ages ago but never thought the feelings were returned. We had been twitter friends before that and started chatting after I needed computer help as always. We get on like a house on fire. Well the timing was bad to discover feelings for each other straight after I had just ended a relationship. We decided not to pursue it. But sometimes no matter how hard you try things just grow and I think because we have been such close friends for so long, the rest just happened so easily.

So there you have it, I am that girl. The one who is dating so soon, the one who must have a heart of stone and not care for the person I ended it with – well actually no, nothing could be further from the truth. Just sometimes life happens, feels grow even when they should not. Hate me, bad mouth me, think I am crazy and irrational and mad for following my heart so soon. But as much as I knew things were not right before, I know that they are this time. I have never ever felt this way about anyone before.

What to blog and not to blog

To those who blog and even those who don’t help me out here, my blog is a place for me to work out all the things that are in my head but so often I find I do not blog about stuff as I am worried about other people. Do you have this problem? What do you do?

Blog regardless? password protect it? don’t blog it at all? None of these seem quite right but I know that often when my thoughts are all over the show and I have said ‘I don’t know’ for the millionth time that writing it down might help.I am always very careful when talking about others on my blog and I tend to err on the side of vague but this time there is a whole lot going on in my brain.

I think these feelings may result in one public post that will be me sharing more about what is happening now in my life than I usually do, and one password post just to pour it all out.

I would love to hear if other people face this dilemma and what you do about it?

Disconcerting

Yesterday we went to a blog girls meet up at Ngwenya Glass Village. What a nice setting for a relaxed afternoon of chatting and laughing. I did not get a chance to look around all the little craft shops – well to be honest it would have been an unnecessary temptation with an empty purse! But I really want to go again and take my mom as I think she would enjoy it. It was lovely to chat and the kids could run around and play. I got to meet some of the people that I have not met IRL before which always makes reading and sharing their blog journeys that much more real and meaningful.

A pink hair first: a old man walking past asked if he could just touch my hair Hahahaha, I have had plenty of people ask to feel the new boobs since I got them, but this is the first request to feel my hair!

But the disconcerting part was near the end, Laura was staying in Jhb and I was taking all the many many kids home. She had left and the kids were still playing while we sorted out the last of the bill and got gathered up to leave. Kiara and Rachel come running over to me to say that a man has put Kiara’s toy dog in his car! They are visibly upset so I got up and walked over to where Cameron was to get the rest of the story. They say the dog was on the ground near them while they were playing and a man picked it up and put it in his car. They showed me the man in his late 50’s early 60’s I guess. He was chatting so some other people so I went over and asked if he had her dog. He said he did and walked to the car to get it. He said he found it and was going to hand it in at the desk but could not find anyone to give it to?!??!! What??? There were restaurant staff all over the place! I found it really really weird that he put it in his car while the kids watched him do this.

Needless to say I gathered the kids and left quite quickly. I could not figure out if he had spoken to the kids or not but Cam was very insistent that he told the girls to come straight to tell me and not to talk to the man. GO CAM!! We spoke about it in the car and about how they had all done the right thing coming to call me and not talking to the man. It is sucky that the world we live in makes it necessary to have these types of conversations with our kids.

Am I over reacting here or is that just creepy odd behaviour??

1 sleep!

Well not really sure if I will sleep tonight. Excited, nervous and hectic. As usual I have too much to do and am not organised enough to get it all done, and what am I doing instead – blogging! It is 10:30 and I still have to pack the kids and my stuff for the few days we are staying at Barbara, tidy the house, remember my Morphine, try remember not to eat or drink again until surgery, send a few emails, add some stuff to the work website and blog and find a number for my mom to book for Rachel’s party.

Tomorrow this time I will be the proud owner of some very sore new breasts, the first time in my life I will have boobs. It is exciting and terrifying. – I hope I like them. They better be worth not being able to run for 6 weeks! Not sure I will survive without my happy drug for that long. Oh well 6 weeks out of a lifetime left to run is not so bad I guess.

Oh must remember to go take some before pictures, fishes around to find camera and memory stick…