Alone?

I really hurt someone, not just a little but a lot and the worst part is it is through no fault of their own but I know that no matter how much I say that, the idea of if only I did it differently she would have stayed might remain.

I ended the relationship with Aequitas and I am so very very sorry that I hurt him, he did nothing but support and love me and give me the freedom to be me.

But somthing in me just could not cope. I am not good at being alone and yet there are so many things in my life pulling me in 100 different directions that I felt I was just not able to cope with the relationship on top of everything else.

I am not sure the need to learn to be alone thing is totally true, but i do need to make sure that I do not hurt someone else like this again becasue I am not in the right head space. But I know that I am a people person, I get my energy and recharge with people around. So maybe single and surrounded by support is that way that I have to go for a while. Who know! Least of all me.

I hate hurting people.

My Balcony

I have a small balcony that looks out the front of this little flat that I share with the 2 most precious people in the world. It mostly stays locked during the day because the kids are a bit little to leave it open just yet. The first time I went out on my balcony I was not in a good space I had written my hope blog and all I could think the whole time I was out there was how much I wanted to have someone else there with me and for the lonely hole inside me to go away.

The next time was different and inspired this blog on never without the dream Now every night after the kids have gone to bed I go out on my balcony and I have some me time. As I have mentioned before I don’t really like being alone but what I am learning is that I have to be okay with it. I don’t have to like it all that much and being a very social person I think I will always want to have someone around. But and this is a big BUT, I have to be okay alone so that it is a want and not a need. Because if I need it too much then I run the risk of being desperate to have the gap filled and not being discerning about who fills it.

I have one cigarette on my balcony – the one a day that I allow myself and yes even that one has to stop, but for now the benefit of not smoking much is that you get that lovely head rush. I stand and do the titanic move, yes I know it is uber corny but there is something about standing with your arm outstretched that is good for the soul. So when this pack of smokes is done, then balcony time is smoke free.

I was think the balcony needed a chair and table and other stuff but now I am not so sure, I love just standing there looking out. The gentle noise of night creatures unseen, the twinkling lights of unknown lives and the countless star above make for the perfect place for me to learn that I am okay and that being alone with what I have now is sufficient. I want to make some angel mosaics for the walls and hang up my candle holder. This is going to become my space to learn and be okay being me.

A friend at Varsity gave me this poem years ago and now more than ever it seems apt.

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn…

And who knows maybe one day Romeo will stand below and serenade me hee hee but for now this is my space and my time.

I don’t want to

Today I said to a friend who is going through a very rough time that sometime we survive because we have to and not because we want to. That is how I feel today. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to struggle to juggle and balance all the things I have to do. There is just too much. I can’t keep all the balls in the air at the same time, invariably something gets dropped or not done or I have guilt the size of the continent that the kids are not getting my full attention even when they get it.

I am finished, I am short tempered, feel overwhlemed most of the time and I just want a break. I love my kids more than life itself but at the moment I feel like I need to be quite far away from them so I can take stock, rest, restore myself and then I can give my best to them again.

BUT and this is a huge but I am terrified to actually do it, because my brain does not stop and the only way to drown it out is to be so busy that I don’t have time to think. I live on a few hours sleep a night at the verge of seer exhaustion. I eat a bit more than I did before but only when I really have to. I don’t even have the energy to run. Will it just be a Pandora’s box that I can’t close again?

Maybe I need to stop hiding from my feelings like I said in the poem earlier in the week, maybe I just need to be quiet and let the feelings come, feel them fully. Let the tears come without stopping them and just let this emotion run its course. See the thing is I am too terrified to do this alone. I am not the sort of person that like to be alone anyway and to be surrounded by the full extent and depth of my emotions without a soul around would be too much. But who on earth do you trust with that sort of task? Who in there right mind wants a mad crying woman sobbing for hours and if they were around would I feel uninhibited enough to explore this? I actually think that when I open up take out all these emotions and have a good look at them they may not be as scary as I first thought. All I really want in this process is understanding and comfort and someone who understands pain is not intimidated by it but also does not feel the need to try make it better.

Make me coffee, run me a bath, pour me wine, let me moan, hold me when I cry and be able to say nothing – yes. But need to make it better -No. I need to do that. I need to find the way myself.

I have a fantastic life, I have 2 amazing kids, a company I love with some exciting and new prospects on the horizon. I have wonderful wonderful friends who support me and most of all I am usually a happy person inside. I love life and there is so much I want to experience. I am just tired and for now would love a week to get off my mad life roller coaster and just breathe. Yes it will hurt but then maybe after a while it won’t hurt so much anymore.

Too much stuff

As I have been working my way through the boxes and stuff that was shipped I realized that we have way too much stuff. The kids and I survived since January with just about what we brought in our suitcases. Sure we have added a few things here and there but on the whole, besides some of their more special toys, we did not seem to need or miss very much stuff at all.

Now we suddenly have a house full (too full of stuff) and I am feeling a little over whelmed. I am being a bit like an ostrich and sticky my head in the proverbial sand and ignoring the problem. Most of the boxes are unpacked and there is stuff piled everywhere but it is now dealing with all the stuff that I am avoiding. I spend time at my computer where it is safe, when I really should be sorting my life out. I know that once it is more organised it will help with the sense of calm I need in my life at the moment. My excuse last week was that lifting and moving stuff was still not such a great idea with the new boobs but now I really don’t have that excuse. The boobs feel fine (and as a quick aside let me just say how much I love them – so glad I did it)

I am generally not a very organised or tidy person, I will find 100 better things to do, life just normally feel too short to spend too much time on being excessivly tidy, sure some sense of order is needed, but I like just a little chaos too, that if things are not quite where they should be all the time it is okay. Things being slightly out of place is one thing, but it is the amount of stuff that is weighing me down. There are things I have shipped and moved in the last 5 years that I should have gotten rid of ages go. I think I need a roll of black bags and a ruthless mood and I need to start throwing away. Maybe a bit like a diet detox – my life needs a bit of a detox and clean out.

You see the problem is that a lot of the stuff has memories tied into them, they remind me of just how far away I am from where I planned to be. A lot of the stuff also serves to remind me just what being alone means. I am faced with doing things I never had to before and am feeling just a little too far out of my comfort zone.

Time to let go and move on from not just my marriage but a lot of things from my life. Hanging on to things only burdens you, I need a lighter load if I am to have a new start.

Love

What is love? It inspires people to express themselves in all sorts of ways; music, art, dance, poetry, writing etc. The emotion in some of these art forms is almost tangible, you can feel it reaching out at you across the medium of expression. I know I have never felt love like that. Not in the true sense of the word. I have felt lust, affection, even a connection with some people but not true love. Just thinking about how my kids make me feel inside, then there is no man who has come even close to stirring a comparable feeling. While it will obviously be a very different kind of love it is the intensity of what I feel for my kids that has never been there for a man before.

I think part of the problem may have been selling myself short. I gave up on the notion of romantic love quite young and as such was willing to put up with less than ideal as I was sure it was as good as one could expect. As long as it was not all bad then surely that was okay? Well 8 years down the line I look back and see that it was not okay. Compromise on some levels is always needed in a relationship but to such an extent where you as a person gets lost and is not valued or cherished is not okay.

I read a blog post recently on the 5 Mistakes Women Make it is well worth a read and I could identify with so much of it

I want to be someone else’s world and for them to be the same to me. I want to be the one that makes their face light up when I enter the room. I want to be the prize that they are willing to go out of their way to obtain. I want to give all of my thoughts and deep desires. I am quite a fiery person and have come to realize that what I need is someone that is strong enough to stand up to my temper but in a way that is diffusive and not explosive. Someone is going to have to rock my world for me to make a commitment again. I always thought I was so afraid of being alone, now I would rather be alone than be lonely with someone else.

I hope love is out there and while dating at this point seems quite intimidating, I am looking forward to meeting new people and being challenged by new ideas. This time though I want the real deal.

Leaving

Very few people ever knew how deeply unhappy I was in my marriage. I never really spoke about it and when I did it was always with the resolve that it would get better. Few people ever see what it is like behind closed doors and that emotional neglect and abuse is hard to understand when the person in question is charming to others. So my decision to separate and stay in South Africa with the kids after we had come from the UK on holiday was quite a shock to most people.

I think a lot of people saw my decision as quite drastic and a lot said they were not going to take sides and hoped we could sort it out. But I knew I could never go back, I knew that all the promise to change in the world would not be enough. Once out, it was like the blinkers I had been wearing for ages, without even knowing it, were gone. I saw people and places differently. I was not under this negative cloud that covered my outlook with gloom. I could see our beautiful country South Africa for what it was and not just a crime ridden disaster to be run from, but an opportunity and a place to be involved and make a real difference. I think the biggest change was the way I saw myself, I can never be that person again.

I was terrified by the prospect of being alone, not something I like. But there is in fact no lonelier place than being in a relationship that destroys your spirit. So now I am alone again but not lonely. I have the most amazing friends and family that are getting me through, but they need a whole post of their own…