Day 30 โ†’ A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Oh boy does this meme showcase how much of a Non Completer Finisher I am. This link to the Belbin Team Roles chart will tell you what a completer finisher is if the name was not enough to give it away.

But Day 30 needs to be done so I can stop avoiding my blog and get on with other news

So a letter to myself. Sounded easy but I just deleted most of what I just wrote, I can not write this whole thing to myself and try as I might I kept just writing to you all about how I feel about me and where I am now. So sorry I am changing this. I am writing to you, to anyone who reads Pinky.

What I have learnt

Life is never ever going to be perfect but this has got to be close. Sure we could do with more money and less stress and more time etc etc but driving along the coastal road today watching the kite surfers and the beautiful Blaauberg conservation area, I was thinking how lucky I am that my normal driving around everyday is what people pay heaps of money to come and see on holiday.

I have realized looking back over the last year that it was a tough one, shew wee, but somehow I made it through and the other side is not a place. Worries do not disappear and everything is not just as you wanted, no it is real life, just as it was before. There are financial worries, parenting guilt, daily annoyances, in general normal life. But this place of comfort and happiness for lack of a better word is people. Those that surround us

Life continues to be what it was, the sun rises and sets and we are gifted 24 hours as always, but having been through a journey of discovery are and learning to be true to myself has lead to the most amazing people in my life. People who love me and who I love – now that is the place one wants to be. You soon see who the real supports are and who is willing to walk and stay even when they might not agree or when the going gets tough, These are the people the ones that make this place a good one to be in.

Yme is what I convinced myself did not exist in a man and that a relationship could never possibly feel this supportive or like a team effort. We fight, we are stubborn but above all what shines through is that we love each other and want to make this work. I am lucky to have him, I hope I never forget how special he is.

With this wonderful man came a family, I have the best ‘Almost-in-laws’ in the world. His family is amazing. They are kind welcoming and have just opened their arms to me and the Pinklets. They did not have to accept a strange pink haired woman with kids, but they did. And more than that, they did not just accept us they made us part of the family and really helped to make the transition to the Cape easier. They help to provide the family structure that the Pinklets need. Ouma Annatjie is very very special to them and me.

Andre: my guardian and true friend, you watch my back. I know that you will always be there and be around for me to talk to, with wise words and the perspective that my huge emotions often does not let me see. I would be lost without you. Thank you for all your help with the thousands of things and queries you help me with, but most thanks for just being there. You are another one that I count the Pinklets lucky to have in their life. Stable, strong characters for them to look up to and see admire. And besides I still think you have one of the best views ever!

Barbara: I miss you so much, the kids are 6, Earth Babies is 6, what a roller coaster of years. Thank you for walking them with me. Births, deaths, moves, divorces wow we have been through a lot in 6 years. Thank you for being you, never being afraid to say what you believe but always being willing to walk besides me no matter if it differs from what you think. Thank you for movie nights, Sunshine Cleaners and all the others. When you surprise visited here the other day it was amazing. You looked relaxed and happy. I still think you should come to the west coast ๐Ÿ˜‰

My parents, they just support and love us no matter what and I could not do it without them. They have the Pinklets this week for a holiday and as much as I miss my kids deeply, I love how comfortable they are to fly off with my mom and visit Bumpa, Stanley, Peter, Christina and Kitty. These are the kind of grandparents every kids should have. My dad is not a man of many words but the other day I was moaning about something and he just said “Sally, where you are now and what you have is so much better, focus on that”

There are many more, Sharon who listened to many of my adventures and just shook her head and laughed, Elaine and Liz who have helped with Earth Babies, Scott and Karen for just being awesome friends. Suzanne, Shelly, Ilse and Jane a few of my babynet friends who have really stood by me. The twitter crowd who shares 140 character snippets of your life, and on the surface it is easy to think that these connections are just shallow and lacking but time and time again people show me how much they care. To everyone who reads and comments here, I am not sure you realize just how much it means to me and how much the support helped me through some very tough times.

It is life changing to realize the impact people can have on you. So I end by saying again, the perfect place to be is not a place, it is not circumstances and it is not unending blissful happiness it is knowing that you walk every step of the way with an army next to you of those who love and support you.

Day 29 โ†’ Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I am tired of this Meme and so have skipped a few days and now I just want to finish it.

Like I said in one of the first ones about things I did not like that I hate being so disorganized. I really hope that especially with the new baby I find a better system that works for us and that I don’t drown under a pile of washing and dishes.

After that I hope for more patience

Day 28 โ†’ What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

PMSL I think it might be questions like these that started Angle thinking this is a teenage girl Meme and I think I tend to agree. Anyway with a 24 week bun in the oven I guess it is obvious that I would have the baby. But there was a moment when the 2 lines appeared that it seemed like the worst thing in the world at that time, I sobbed tears about how unfair it was and how there are so many of my friend who have sore hearts and would love a baby and yet I got one and was not in the place where I was ready.

I wrote a long agonizing post about the decision to keep the baby on our Pinky & The Geek Blog, I know abortion is not openly discussed but here was my take on making that decision.

Day 27 โ†’ Whatโ€™s the best thing going for you right now?

Yme.
It almost feels like I can just leave it there at that full stop. But really to have someone so supportive and keen to build a life together is wonderful. We have a lovely new house and as soon as this 30 days things is over I will show you all the pics and tell you more about our house. ( To be honest i am a little over this meme now, I agree with Angel some of the questions make one think it was directed at teen age girls)
But really moving to CT and start this new life with him has been wonderful, very hard and challenging at times and things have not always gone to plan but it has been so good.

Day 26 โ†’ Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Last year there were times when I did not want to face the world, it seemed easier to stay in bed. I was tired and it all just seemed like a lot of effort. I was not sleeping, hardly eating, but I did get up, mostly because the Pinklets appear at the edge of the bed in the morning. Kids don’t really care how you feel they want you to get up and get on with the day.

You get up because you have to and slowly things start to get better, at the time it does not feel like it but slowly the feeing that you are walking around with a gapping hole in you fades. It is so slow you don’t notice but the more you take time to find one moment in the day that feels good, just a few seconds to feel the sun on your skin and how warm that feels on a cold winters day, or just how nice your first cup of coffee is, then imperceivably* these moment expand and join and grow. You laugh, you feel hungry and you start to find joy again. It is so slow that at first you think that you will be numb and hurt forever, the notion that it could be another way does not seem possible. But that cliche about time as a healer is true.

So while I never thought of actively killing myself there were times when I did not particularly want to be alive. You have to choose to find those moments and it is not easy.

(* The Geek and I have just fought discussed whether impercevably is a word and if it should be impercetibly or if it should be another whole phrase entirely, see this is why I love him we can discuss words and both be on google looking up on line dictionaries ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Day 25 โ†’ The reason you believe youโ€™re still alive today.

As an atheist it is hard to have any other perspective than, I am alive today because I am not dead. Nothing has killed me yet or cause me to kill myself. Full stop. Yes we all have talents and gifts and potential but it does not make us live longer or stop us dying. I was going to end with the first sentence but the longer I thought about this topic the more I had to say, maybe I should have just kept the thoughts in my head, because I am going to disagree with what most have said, sorry if i step on toes but this is my opinion you are free to disagree.

I do not think we are alive
1) Because we have an unfulfilled purpose.
2) Because our friends or family supported us and kept us alive
3) hope or prayers or whatever are enough to keep us alive

Being a Palliative care nurse, I have worked with more dying people than most. Plenty had stuff they still wanted to do, or were people who could have continued to contribute huge amounts to society. You don’t get to stay alive because you are talented or because you have something to do or give to the world. We all know of useless wastes of oxygen who continue to live with nothing useful to contribute, and we know of great wonderful people who die. This does not mean that we should not strive to contribute or have purpose and goals, but don’t think that because you feel you have unfulfilled purpose you get to live longer. Make every day count.

Many of us count ourselves lucky to have gotten through certain stages in our lives due to the support of our family and friends. I know it was often only the thought of my sweet kids that made me get up in the morning. But to burden a family of someone who has committed suicide with the idea that if they were there more or loved more or supported more they could have stopped it, is just wrong. When someone is so deep in the black hole of an illness like depression, sometimes all the love and support in the world is not enough. I am not down playing the fact that many of us have been stopped from doing something silly by having good support but even with it sometimes the darkness and hopelessness the person feels, wins out in the end.

Hope, my least favourite word, I have seen people battle with all they have in them, they have had so much to live for and all the hope in the world and I have seen others beg to die who have lingered. It has way more to do with physiology than hope. Not that I think the mind does not play a role but in perspective.

sorry for the toes I stepped on, just my thought. You are alive because you are alive, go out and live it as best you can.

Day 24 โ†’ Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Rachel
Dear Rachel

My spirited child I am blessed to have you, you challenge me in more ways than I thought possible. You are always determined to do things your way. I have no idea where you get that from. You have so much to learn and at times the task of helping you to reach become the wonderful free thinking individual soul that you are seems totally overwhelming. I fear that is trying to survive day to day I will crush much of the spirit that makes you who you are. But I also need you to know that as much as I love you the world does not care about you as an individual. It is a hard place that does not like people who do not conform.

I have picked these songs for you, not because they are my favourite musically but because of the words.

Song 1
You need a strong sense of self, but more than that you need to know that you are part of a family, a community and a country, your actions need not be conformist but they have to be kind and thoughtful of others. Be true to yourself.

I am the one and only – Chesney Hawkes

Song 2
There are going to be times when you wish with all your heart that something would happen or that someone would do things the way you want them done. Often it does not happen, the pain is often overwhelming, head up, one breath at a time. Sometimes you will look back and understand and other times you will never understand why.

Just say Yes – Snow Patrol

Song3
I know you are struggling now with Afrikaans. It feels really difficult and you get frustrated easily at not being able to do it well from the start, but try really hard to learn, it is the language of a lot of people in this country especially in the Cape but not only that it will change your relationship with Yme. And of course your new brother will be learning it too. Learning a new language will also help you when you want to learn other languages one day.

I have been introduced to Die Heuwels Fantasies by Yme and this is the song he plays to the baby.
Die Heuwels Fantasies – Klein Tambotieboom

Song 4
You are going to make mistakes, like I said before keep your individual spirit, be willing to go against the grain and be true to yourself BUT consider others. Try not to hurt other people but sometimes hurting others happens be willing to say sorry. We all hate it, learn the skill now it is invaluable

Chris Daughtry – Sorry

Song 5
You are going to get hurt, very very hurt and as much as I wish that I could protect you from ever feeling pain, it is not going to happen. You are going to be disappointed, betrayed, you are going to lose people, you are going to have your heart broken. Even times when it feels like just taking the next breath is too hard, remember lots of people are been here before. There were times when I felt like this and only the thoughts of you and Callie made me want to go on. You will be okay, you will survive. Come and tell me, cry with me, let me hold you, or find the people/friends/person that you feel safe to do that with. But in the end you will be okay.

REM – Everybody hurts

Song 6
You are a South African, this is a beautiful country of much diversity and beauty, but it is also a country that has had a lot of blood spilt on the ground. Learn its history, learn about its people and most of all never forget that you have more than lots of other people in this land. Find how you can help and make this country better for all, it is worth fighting for

South Africa National Anthem

Song 7
Fall in love, it would be ridiculous to think that you will do it only once, but try not to rush and never settle. Wait and be fussy. You have the right to be loved everything that you are and for that to be enough. No one is perfect, don’t try change the person you are with it does not work. You will natural change in ways by being together, but be that growing together and not fighting to stay who you are. The 3 words I love you can be easy to say but destroying not to hear. Don’t throw them away easily but say them enough to the right person. If someone never says them to you, they are not the right one, I learnt that the hard way.

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

There are many more lessons I want you to learn but enough for today. More than all the music in the world, learn to sing in the shower, dance to your own beat, love and laugh more than you do anything else and find your passion, when you know what drives you it will help channel your spirit and use your talents for good.

I love you so very very much
Your Pink Hair Mom

Day 23 โ†’ Something you wish you had done in your life.

Well this makes it sound like my life is over and I have missed some great chance to do something wonderful. I hope I still have time to do all the things I want to. Actually like the 101 things list which was fun to do I was actually thinking of doing a sort of a bucket list.

There are no big things that I feel by 33 I should have done and look back with regret at time wasted. I have traveled quite a bit but would love to do more, I have lived in different countries, I have been blessed with beautiful children and now and wonderful wonderful man.

I wish more for attitude than action, moan less, enjoy more, love more, laugh more and all those good things because it is all too short not to.

And on that note we went on a totally spontaneous road trip today. Yme had to go to Swellendam for work and asked if we wanted to tag along in the car, we could drop him off mooch around and then come and fetch him afterwards. As we were driving I just commented how lucky we are, any direction we head from our house is beautiful, we have the drive into CT with such a gorgeous view of Table Mountain, we have winelands the one way, the beauty of the westcoast the other way and of course the lovely beach just down the road. I loved driving today and just look at how pretty the winelands and fruit growing country is in the Western Cape.

What I wish for my life is more of today.

Day 22 โ†’ Something you wish you hadnโ€™t done in your life.

We have all made stupid mistakes and done stuff that we are less than proud of BUT to change any of it changes what we learned and who we became. I was talking to Rachel and although she knows that it was not good for her dad and I to stay together and that we were not suited I explain that I never regretted making that ‘mistake’ because without it I would never have her and Caleb.

Although we learn lessons from what we do, I am always sorry if I hurt someone else in the process, not that I would undo the past but there are people I wish I had hurt less.

Day 21 โ†’ (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

My best friend, see this depends who it is as there is distance issues with some of my closest friends. It it was a friend far away I would try to contact someone who could give me info and see what I could do to help, and it is was really bad then I would go. Who needs to be right in an argument more than they need to support their friends in a time of need? This seems like a silly question. If it was a friend close by then of course I would go