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No until Death us do part

I have been thinking a lot about wedding vows with The Geek and my wedding coming up in a few short weeks. We want to write our own vows. I am sure not everyone is like me but as I think about the promises I want to make I ponder if people in the audience look at me as a divorced woman and think – “I wonder if she is going to keep them this time”

Maybe being older and wiser and slightly more cynical I am thinking about my promises more carefully. I am not religious. I don’t believe that marriage should be forever if it is damaging to either party. If there is one thing I have learnt is that life does not go to plan. I have seen friends with the greatest love, ended by a cruel twist of fate. Sometimes we marry for the wrong reasons or we grow apart or things just happen.

Did I mean my vows when I said them the first time? – of course. I was not planning to get divorced it was not even an option. But it happened. I am not a bad person. I did not fail, although I am sure there are plenty who think “you just have to try harder and it will work out”. I don’t believe that, I tried for 8 years, sometimes the bravest thing to do is to get out.

I think marriage should be viewed more like a business partnership, obviously a lot more emotional and loving but no one thinks badly of you if a business partnership ends or changes. People grow and change and sometimes it is not in the same direction.

I found this article and it rung true for me:

“People understand that anything can happen in life, and you don’t make a promise you can’t keep. When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said ”til death do us part’ — you didn’t keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised ‘til death do us part’ — it is the sticking point in the healing of a broken marriage. The wording can give you a stigma of personal failure.”

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,163251,00.html#ixzz2JFi3Rala

I am no less committed to The Geek, in fact I don’t think I have ever thought so long and hard about promises before. I want to say what I know I can keep, and words that will challenge me to work as hard as I can on this relationship. I do not see it as an easy way out to not say until death us do part. I am not just presuming we will stay together, I know we have to work at it and make a conscious choice to make it work.

I know many will disagree with me and think that these are the sort of things that lead to high divorce rate. But in my mind, things happen, sometimes very unexpected things and no one should have to stay miserable in a broken relationship just for the sake of others in society worrying about our morals. There are no prizes for a life of unhappiness.

What do you think?

9 thoughts on “No until Death us do part

  1. i think life is like a giant school…..and it’s not a failure to dissolve a bad marriage, anymore then it’s a failure to switch classes because you discover that the current one isn’t in your higher souls best interest

    it’s all lessons….and sometimes the lessons is to walk

  2. I personally feel that ‘to death do us part’ should be a huge part of *my* marriage vows, but believe even more strongly that to each their own. If you feel that this time round you’d rather not incorporate the actual words into your wedding ceremony, that’s reason enough to make it okay. The fact that you’re seriously contemplating what the promises are and what they mean is special, I wonder how many people really do that these days.

    My point is: it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It’s what you and The Geek choose to promise & follow through on.

    Congrats on your imminent wedding, how exciting, I had no idea it was just around the corner! :))))


  3. I have loved reading your posts, so much, that I often catch myself pondering why I don’t read them more often!
    I love these thoughts of yours & I have been having similar ones myself.
    I was never married BUT I was in a comitted relationship for 7yrs (the father of my only child) and it didn’t work out. I tried for 3yrs before walking away. It’s never easy OR an easy choice (especially when there are children around).
    I love how you choose to be brave and continue to be YOURSELF, it’s such a valuable lesson for your kids to see! You live and breathe truth and thought out actions. So many people rush through life and don’t give thoughts to their actions. You help to remind me to stop and think!
    Anywho, I’m getting off track because I am in a loving relationship now. One that I imagine lasting a long time. I have (geekily) even written some vows that have popped into my head, promises as you smartly describe them. And I made them personal. About things we do now that the other loves. I also focused on laughter, as it is the best medicine 🙂
    “I promise to never take you shopping” and things like that 🙂
    I really love your omitting of “til death…” and I will vow to do the same. I don’t have pink hair but one day when I get married, I’ll receive the same “gasp” looks as you 🙂

    You have my full support!!!!

  4. I think that you are VERY brave to take this step again.
    I honestly don’t believe that people are wondering about you (and the divorced woman thing) the way you think. If they are then that’s their issue because ultimately it’s none of their business. They don’t know what happened in your marriage so who are they to judge?

    I also agree that an overhaul of sorts needs to be made on the traditional wedding vows because I don’t think that people truly understand the extent of what they are promising. I actually wrote a post about it in December last year. Here’s the link:


    Sally, I wish you ONLY good things in your marriage. You’ve grown a lot over the years and somehow, I think that you are both going to be OK.

  5. Thank you everyone for you lovely comments.
    It is nice to know that people can understand my rambling logical and that my leaving this part out is not taken as an indiction of my lack of commitment.

    Sheena, I think you are right, we each have to do what feel right to us, I think this is why it was so important for me to make my promises personal.

  6. Hi Sally, I have no doubt in my mind that you are totally comitting as you see it. I also doubt anybody doubts your intentions or comitments as you are divored. Things happen, we make wrong choices. BUT the now and the here and the full comittal is important. To me, the death do us part was very important, and I totally meant it. But one has to promise what is in your heart and right for you – including your whole being, history and though process. And that is exactly what you will be doing. Good on you girl!

  7. Pingback: Pink Hair Girl What we said – wedding vows

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