And so it starts again

the decent into the black hole, somehow I hoped that being loved and supported this time would mean that it would not happen. Never mind the morning sickness and the tirdness from pregnancy this is the part that I really dread. The reason to say “I am not a baby person” the reason that the first few years seems so hard and like that just need to be endured rather and enjoyed. – PND

I hate seeing all the things that need doing and not being able to do them. I have too much to do as it is and now more and more is falling through the cracks. I am letting things slip with work, I really can’t keep up, even though things are slow I am overwhelmed by what needs to be done to get it all working more smoothly. I have been saying since November about needing to get a new website and streamline things but I just never get a chance.

I need to organize the chaos that is my house and again another weekend is over and still the piles of mess are everywhere and I can’t fix them holding a baby and dealing with the demands of the other 2. I see all the great ideas on Pinterest on how to get organised and make things work better and I just get started and then someone needs me again.I had great plans for the school room to make it work better so that it would be easier for us all, I worked all of Friday and most of Saturday and still did not even scratch the surface. It is like having this great plan in your head and no way of ever getting there. I got a laminator that I was so excited about and have not even had a chance to try it yet.

My Edinburgh pnd questionnaire was a 19 apparently above 10 you should go to your Dr. But I know the options and I am not suicidal at all, tearful, anxious, not wanting to see people, not coping – yes all of those but it is familiar I know that I will get through to the other side. Besides I remember the health visitor coming in the UK and saying that really you just have to live through it and that exercise is the best way and has been proven as effective as anti-depressants, well lets home water aerobics once a week help then. I know I could go get happy pills and if it does not lift soon I might. The lovely side effects of decreased libido and flattened affect are not really wanted though. Any new parent know sex is in short supply anyway and this time I actually miss it.

I love my children endlessly and Titus is a delight, he is a happy, cute, chubby wonderful baby and Rachel and Caleb are adjusting remarkably well. When I look at each of the I am so glad that they are in my life but wow hormones can ruin the joys of being a mom in the first years.

The wikipedia definition: A hormone (from Greek ὁρμή “impetus”) is a chemical released by a cell or a gland in one part of the body that sends out messages that affect cells in other parts of the organism. Only a small amount of hormone is required to alter cell metabolism. In essence, it is a chemical messenger that transports a signal from one cell to another. sounds so innocuous so Innocent, a little chemical messenger. Well I am not sure what messages mine have decided to start sending but it is not the happy. coping, smiling warm fuzzy ones.

The worse part is when it is not just you that this hurts. After another frustrating day of being able to get nothing done that I needed to and feeling overwhelmed and tired, during another evening of trying to hold the crying baby and make the supper and deal with Rachel’s 400 questions and Caleb’s demands for apples and general chaos you yell, I just don’t want to be a Mom anymore. To see the crumpled face of your 4 year old as he asks “don’t you want to be my mom anymore?” “do you just want to be Rachel’s mom?” then getting little I am sorree Mommy letters from Rachel. I hugged them and told them that I love them very much but that sometimes being a Mom was hard and that Mommies get frustrated. Damn these hormones – stop hurting my children.

10 thoughts on “And so it starts again

  1. Sally, I believe you have just described the mental state of every single new mother on the planet. Please don’t beat yourself up and don’t think I’m just being nice when I say you really are doing an amazingly good job.
    Mothers with small babies today don’t have nearly the same support they did back in the day when laaaaarge families were the norm and there was often a granny, an aunty and a cousin or two around to help you take a load off!
    I would even go so far as to say that what you’re experiencing is probably not so much PND as absolutely normal and justifiable frustration.
    Anybody trying to do as much as you do is going to be exhausted and get frustrated. And we all know that the regular offers of help and people popping by just to see the little guy and giving you half an hour to take a bath or shower or go to the loo in private start falling away after a month or two – three, if you’re lucky… And it’s exactly then that you generally need those offers the most, isn’t it?

    I hope you will go for that water aerobics class once a week and maybe take all the kids out for nice long walks in the afternoon sun when you’re not doing that. Walks around the neighbourhood when I started losing the plot literally saved my life.

    And yes, it sucks that the dishes don’t get washed and the schoolroom is always in a state of chaos and the kids are wearing the same pair of pants for the third day in a row because you haven’t managed to the laundry in that long.
    But in the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter.

    9 Years on, my house still looks like a bombed out shelter and nothing stays in its place for longer than 3 minutes. It’s just how it is when you have kids. Especially when you have kids who are homeschooled and you don’t have a full time maid…

    I want you to recognise that you are a wonderful mom, that you actually get sooooo much more done under the circumstances than you give yourself credit for and that, as I am so fond of reminding myself, this, too, shall pass.

    Hang in there!

    • Thanks MeeA. I hope you are right and that this is just general mother frustration. I ha e just been feeling different. Tearful and anxious and anti social which is unusual for me

  2. Dear Sally
    You homeschool, you run a business, you knit and you do a million other things every single day. You do have A LOT on your plate and I so wish that I lived closer to you so that I could help you out a bit.
    I hope that you will go to the water aerobics class. And I hope that you will take some time out just for you. Just start with 10 minutes a day. You’ll be surprised at what a difference this can make to your state of mind and how this can re-energise you.
    Hang in there. THis too shall pass.

    ps…I know that you are not keen on Dr’s and medications but there are some really good natural alternatives. Maybe go to a health shop and see what you are allowed to use seeing that you are breastfeeding?
    You are such an awesome mommy.xx

  3. It is normal to feel what you describe. Its a major adjustment when a new baby enters the family. We have to give our times to adjust, re evaluate everything and get a new routine.

    Use the support system you have – extensively – or you will go BONKERS!

  4. (((hugs)))
    I think Julia has a great idea, why not try the natural route with medication first.
    Just remember you dont have to do everything!! One step at a time my friend.

  5. Sally, I’m so sorry you’re feeling rough. Did you feel like this with Rachel and Caleb too? Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive vibes. Hopefully it will pass quickly…

  6. So sorry to hear you are feeling like this – I had PND both times and the second time around the doc just presricbed the meds from the start – you see once you have had it before, you have a much higher chance of getting it again. Recognizing that I had it again and speedy pillpopping really made a huge difference – I would not have been able to cope with twins.

    So contrary to everybody else, I say, go get that Egglanol prescriptiona nd just drink it – even just for a month. And you will have a great milk supply too.

  7. Hi Sally, I’ve recently stumbled upon your blog and have read this post and can relate in a small way – and I say small because I don’t run a business, or home school, or even knit (!!) and I don’t have 3 kids, but I do have two and I experienced PND with my second daughter – it can be so tough but keep writing, keep relying on the people around you, don’t try to be perfect! I was so dead set against any meds but in the end I realised that they would just help me to be a better mom and Lexamil really helped me, and I had no problems weaning myself off it. But there are also lots of natural remedies out there – and they’re just as good. Hang in there 🙂

  8. Wow! What a small world. I follow your husband (Yme right?) on Twitter and here I’ve bumped into you via the Mommy Blogger competition.
    I just wanted to say this post was SO evoking. I didn’t struggle with PND but actually with depression DURING my 2nd pregnancy. flip it’s rough!
    But to run a biz and home school your kids and have a new baba??? Wow girl! Hats off. I often have people tell me I do a lot and I just blow it off. Maybe you do too? Take a moment to really breathe in and acknowledge that you’re clearly a WONDERWOMAN!

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