Last year there were times when I did not want to face the world, it seemed easier to stay in bed. I was tired and it all just seemed like a lot of effort. I was not sleeping, hardly eating, but I did get up, mostly because the Pinklets appear at the edge of the bed in the morning. Kids don’t really care how you feel they want you to get up and get on with the day.
You get up because you have to and slowly things start to get better, at the time it does not feel like it but slowly the feeing that you are walking around with a gapping hole in you fades. It is so slow you don’t notice but the more you take time to find one moment in the day that feels good, just a few seconds to feel the sun on your skin and how warm that feels on a cold winters day, or just how nice your first cup of coffee is, then imperceivably* these moment expand and join and grow. You laugh, you feel hungry and you start to find joy again. It is so slow that at first you think that you will be numb and hurt forever, the notion that it could be another way does not seem possible. But that cliche about time as a healer is true.
So while I never thought of actively killing myself there were times when I did not particularly want to be alive. You have to choose to find those moments and it is not easy.
(* The Geek and I have just
fought discussed whether impercevably is a word and if it should be impercetibly or if it should be another whole phrase entirely, see this is why I love him we can discuss words and both be on google looking up on line dictionaries 😉 )