I am a day behind so am doing 2 today
This one is easy.
I want to write a book. Sorry, I know I go on about it a lot.
I know a lot of people want to write a book and feel an over-inflated value in what they have to say. Maybe I fall into this category too. The one thing I have, that a lot of people have commented on in both a good and a bad way, is that I am honest and open. Willing to broach topics and talk about things that are usually left unsaid. I am willing to be wrong and to make mistakes. I am willing to share these, in the hope that sharing my words brings comfort to a heart bearing a burden that they feel they can not talk about or share.
I love words, beautiful, unusual words. The ones that people think you are pretentious for using. The thing is that I never use words to make myself better than anyone else, or make them feel stupid, or at least I hope I never do. I use them because I love them, the sound lovely, they roll around in your mouth and sound so interesting in your ears as they are slightly unusual. Not the words you hear everyday. They make you sit up and take notice of them.
The problem is that I know nothing about writing a book and am not even sure where to start.
Last year I fell in love with someone, who I should not have fallen in love with.
I was very very vulnerable, and broken, after my marriage, and I let harmless flirting go too far. All excuses I know, but no one plans to be the other woman. I am not condoning it at all. But I made lots of reasons why it was okay. I projected my need to get out of my relationship on someone who confessed to being unhappy too.
I truly believed that I was being loved in return, for the person I was. I was wrong.
I think in many ways, he did love things about me, cos I was honest and open and willing to discover the mistakes I had made, and look at my life, and be wild and be creative, and live a little differently. I also think this scared him. He needed to be the hero, he needed to be the good guy more than he needed to be true to himself, which is opposite to me.
In the end, it was just the physical he really wanted. He hurt me, and her, a lot.
I’ve forgiven him for this day.
I’ve forgiven myself. I made a mistake, I should have known better, but at that point I was so crumpled that any attention was so welcome. I didn’t stop to think about the source. I am sorry she got hurt, I only hope it gave them a chance to look at where they were going and not get there 8 years down the line with 2 kids. I hope they found a way to make it work like it should. Maybe I am naive, maybe I hope these things so that I can feel less guilty for what I did.
I am glad this day happened and that it saved me from getting more involved. I am glad I got a chance to see what real love is and what it feels like when someone really, really loves you. They put you first, always. Getting burnt a few times, is the way that we learn this lesson the best.
I forgive you. I am more than sex and I am glad I got to find that out. I now have no doubt, no settling, no second best.