Doing a bit of a catch up here. The move and getting things ready for the Halloween party has made the last few days very busy. But I wanted to get this one over with, I was dreading it but I hope by the time I wrote it I would have found some great inspiration but sadly I have had the page open for hours now and I have had no sudden recall or memory of anything helpful
I am a sad person, I really have nothing to say here. I am just not this kind of person. I do not have one song, artist, band etc that I identify with so much that they made an impact or got me through a tough time. Sure I hear things on the radio I can identify with, but as much as I like music it is not my thing that gets me through. I will as often not put music on as I will put it on. More often just because I don’t think about it, not because I don’t like having it.
I also think that as someone with the attention span of a small gnat I often find background music distracting. I like to read and so I think books are my way of getting through. There is a whole world to escape into.
Well I am not sure anyone gets compliments on their feet but being a girl with size 8 feet can suck. Cool shoes never come in the bigger sizes, and besides I am too tall to wear heels anyway.
But more than big, my feet are funny. People actually laugh at them. I have 4 long toes and one tiny runt. I used to joke with my mom that she had me too early before my toe had a chance to grow.
As you can see the toe nail polish is chipped and they really do not get a lot of love. My excuse at the moment is that I can’t really reach them!
So my feet are the thing I guess I have never been complimented on.
I guess at the moment that would be the pink hair.
I am sure that there are people that say nasty stuff behind my back or as they walk past but it does not bother me in the slightest. Besides it is funny to see people walk into poles and other people in the shop because they are staring so much. I have it because I like it and it reminds me to be true to myself. I think something so out of the ordinary and in your face makes some people uncomfortable it shakes up the world of normal and they don’t like that. But I just don’t fit the normal mould
I really can’t think of anyone that is in my life that I don’t want there. Get divorced and have a tumultuous year and you soon see who your friends are. It leaves little room for anyone but those who want to be there because they really do care. As for people I wish I did not know, I think people come and go in our lives for a reason. We learn things from them even if they are hard lessons so there is no one I wish I had never known.
short and sweet today
I have a friend in England who is like a sister to me. There was a stage when I was quite religious and it was something we had in common. Since I moved back here and my life has changed so much I guess we have drifted. It is sad I suppose I almost feel like it is disapproval at my life or that I questioned all that we believed. I know it is partly to do with being so far away but it feels like more.
I know she has been through a really tough year and I think my not believing is maybe hard in the light that she needs to find comfort in her faith and meaning in what is happening. We did email recently and I hope we do not drift apart for good. She was at the birth of my son and is a very very special person to me.
I hope when we get proper internet that I can skype with her and phone and maybe try touch sides again.
Funny how I always seem to start these post with how easy or hard the questions were but somehow it seems relevant to the process. This one is actually hard. I am sure it would just be easy to say that the ex was THE person that treated me badly and that he made everything bad but I am sure that points to intent. He don’t think any of it was ever intentional I just think he for many reasons had a frame of reference for behaving differently. He was who he was and I knew that. I guess you think you can change people or that there is enough good to work it out. He is not a bad person we just were ill suited from the beginning. I now say that it was a destructive relationship rather than abusive because I think we were both had a part to play and made mistakes.
I hope we have both learnt from our disaster and that we don’t do the same to other people. I don’t think the marriage was very nice for either and I think we did a fair amount of making each others lives hell.
Besides that I guess there are always people in life that treat us badly at one or another time. I am not sure I spend the energy remembering who they all are
This is going to sound a bit self help bookish but I learnt through all the thing that happened in this last year and a half, that my life had innate value, and that I am worthwhile just because I am. I can not make someone else responsible for my worth.
I do have amazing people in my life give it purpose and meaning. My kids, my awesome Geek, my incredibly supportive family and friends who go above and beyond to support me.
Sorry if this sounds a bit full of myself and clique but self-love is not an easy place to come to, but something I hope, above all, to teach my kids.
This one as a parent is easy. I hope I never have to bury a child. I can not even for a moment begin to imagine what that feels like. I would struggle to go on after that. They are my world.
Don’t even want to write any more that is enough.
I am a day behind so am doing 2 today
This one is easy.
I want to write a book. Sorry, I know I go on about it a lot.
I know a lot of people want to write a book and feel an over-inflated value in what they have to say. Maybe I fall into this category too. The one thing I have, that a lot of people have commented on in both a good and a bad way, is that I am honest and open. Willing to broach topics and talk about things that are usually left unsaid. I am willing to be wrong and to make mistakes. I am willing to share these, in the hope that sharing my words brings comfort to a heart bearing a burden that they feel they can not talk about or share.
I love words, beautiful, unusual words. The ones that people think you are pretentious for using. The thing is that I never use words to make myself better than anyone else, or make them feel stupid, or at least I hope I never do. I use them because I love them, the sound lovely, they roll around in your mouth and sound so interesting in your ears as they are slightly unusual. Not the words you hear everyday. They make you sit up and take notice of them.
The problem is that I know nothing about writing a book and am not even sure where to start.
Last year I fell in love with someone, who I should not have fallen in love with.
I was very very vulnerable, and broken, after my marriage, and I let harmless flirting go too far. All excuses I know, but no one plans to be the other woman. I am not condoning it at all. But I made lots of reasons why it was okay. I projected my need to get out of my relationship on someone who confessed to being unhappy too.
I truly believed that I was being loved in return, for the person I was. I was wrong.
I think in many ways, he did love things about me, cos I was honest and open and willing to discover the mistakes I had made, and look at my life, and be wild and be creative, and live a little differently. I also think this scared him. He needed to be the hero, he needed to be the good guy more than he needed to be true to himself, which is opposite to me.
In the end, it was just the physical he really wanted. He hurt me, and her, a lot.
I’ve forgiven him for this day.
I’ve forgiven myself. I made a mistake, I should have known better, but at that point I was so crumpled that any attention was so welcome. I didn’t stop to think about the source. I am sorry she got hurt, I only hope it gave them a chance to look at where they were going and not get there 8 years down the line with 2 kids. I hope they found a way to make it work like it should. Maybe I am naive, maybe I hope these things so that I can feel less guilty for what I did.
I am glad this day happened and that it saved me from getting more involved. I am glad I got a chance to see what real love is and what it feels like when someone really, really loves you. They put you first, always. Getting burnt a few times, is the way that we learn this lesson the best.
I forgive you. I am more than sex and I am glad I got to find that out. I now have no doubt, no settling, no second best.