Tonight I toyed with the idea of starting a new anonymous blog.
One were I could write the things that were in my head, without the limitations of knowing the readers. I am sure I am not the first blogger to have this desire. I could start something new, quite easily, and write endlessly into the great abyss, but two things stopped me.
1) Time. I know it is quick to set up a free WordPress blog, but then I would spend the rest of the night looking for a theme that I liked, hating all the free ones and trying to customise one. It has to look pretty after all…
2) I like comments, I am a bit of a comment whore to be honest. It is not a numbers game, it is more just knowing people popped in and read what I wrote. A little ‘I was here’ note more than suffices, comments do not need to be profound, just present. I like the connection, the idea that my words have been seen, understood and shared by others. I would love to think that maybe one day they might even have an impact on people but I am not vain enough to think that what I write now is in any way profound enough for that.
So back to the problem at hand, I have always said I write because I have to, the words simply bubble up inside until they have to have a place to come out. Tonight is no exception, they need out. What I feel however makes no sense to me, so how do I suppose that with 10 fingers, 26 letters and a tired mind I have a hope of anything other than inarticulate unintelligible rambling? I am not sure but here goes
I feel all tearful and jiggery inside. I have heaps to do, too much as always, but I can’t concentrate on any of it. I want to have a good old cry but I feel mad at myself at the same time for feeling this way. Why on earth would I feel tearful when in fact I can not remember a time in my life when I have been happier? I am loved and supported and cared for by so many people and yet inside tonight I feel anxious and a little overwhelmed.
I feel like a juggler, I have all these balls in the air, all of them important and all of them counting on my to keep it all together and afloat, and I am terrified I am about to drop one. What I have to cope with here is only fractionally more than I had in Pretoria but I guess added to that the newness and uncertainty of my surroundings and the lack of familiar means that today it feels a little much. I have no pressure from anyone to be or do more than I can manage, the pressure to be all to everyone is self imposed.
I know it was a big move to Cape Town and just the emotional drain of packing and unpacking and helping the kids adjust, takes it’s toll. No matter how much I want to be here, and I do, I do not regret this move, not even for a minute, I guess I have to take into account that the changes will have an effect on my emotions. The problem is that I don’t want them to, I want to be fine and cope fine and make the transition without any hiccups and me smiling and happy and awesome – not feeling like I am slowly crumbing from the inside.