It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to

Tonight I toyed with the idea of starting a new anonymous blog.
One were I could write the things that were in my head, without the limitations of knowing the readers. I am sure I am not the first blogger to have this desire. I could start something new, quite easily, and write endlessly into the great abyss, but two things stopped me.

1) Time. I know it is quick to set up a free WordPress blog, but then I would spend the rest of the night looking for a theme that I liked, hating all the free ones and trying to customise one. It has to look pretty after all…

2) I like comments, I am a bit of a comment whore to be honest. It is not a numbers game, it is more just knowing people popped in and read what I wrote. A little ‘I was here’ note more than suffices, comments do not need to be profound, just present. I like the connection, the idea that my words have been seen, understood and shared by others. I would love to think that maybe one day they might even have an impact on people but I am not vain enough to think that what I write now is in any way profound enough for that.

So back to the problem at hand, I have always said I write because I have to, the words simply bubble up inside until they have to have a place to come out. Tonight is no exception, they need out. What I feel however makes no sense to me, so how do I suppose that with 10 fingers, 26 letters and a tired mind I have a hope of anything other than inarticulate unintelligible rambling? I am not sure but here goes

I feel all tearful and jiggery inside. I have heaps to do, too much as always, but I can’t concentrate on any of it. I want to have a good old cry but I feel mad at myself at the same time for feeling this way. Why on earth would I feel tearful when in fact I can not remember a time in my life when I have been happier? I am loved and supported and cared for by so many people and yet inside tonight I feel anxious and a little overwhelmed.

I feel like a juggler, I have all these balls in the air, all of them important and all of them counting on my to keep it all together and afloat, and I am terrified I am about to drop one. What I have to cope with here is only fractionally more than I had in Pretoria but I guess added to that the newness and uncertainty of my surroundings and the lack of familiar means that today it feels a little much. I have no pressure from anyone to be or do more than I can manage, the pressure to be all to everyone is self imposed.

I know it was a big move to Cape Town and just the emotional drain of packing and unpacking and helping the kids adjust, takes it’s toll. No matter how much I want to be here, and I do, I do not regret this move, not even for a minute, I guess I have to take into account that the changes will have an effect on my emotions. The problem is that I don’t want them to, I want to be fine and cope fine and make the transition without any hiccups and me smiling and happy and awesome – not feeling like I am slowly crumbing from the inside.

24 thoughts on “It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to

  1. Girl we all have moments like this, I recently have had the same thought about a different blog. Even taking the time to set it up, but then I stopped. I liek righting about everything with my name attached even if it makes no sense to pthers or maybe even steps on a few toes. I write for me not them. HUgs on the moving feels I know those all to well also.

  2. I hear you I know this feeling it is all consuming. We need to take the offers from friends and let others help. Easier said than done. I find I try do everything myself! Smile and keep your head high you are a strong woman. Drop me a note perhaps we can meet and the kiddies can play.

    • Tanya – thanks, I know you read often and having friends who know my little place in the world helps
      Bobbi – i know what you mean, it being me that is so integral to what I write.
      Fiona – it would be lovely to get together, I need to build up friends and a support network here.

  3. Hi – your blog touched me as I have been there with the moving thing – which triggers off a whole bunch of residual emotions..All I can say is dont fight them too hard – dont look at it as crumbling inside-try to welcome the strong emotions, or at least dont let them destroy you-it does get better-and very soon it will get fabulous.. try do routine for a while. Good luck! Ps – the secret blog thing?? I have two – lol

    • coffee baron – thanks for your kind words, iI need more structure and routine and I will be damned if i can find them, I know I must have misplaced them around here somewhere. Oh so unfair on dropping the secret blog bomb now i want to know LOL ( sorry your comment landed in my spam and I found it today)

  4. Darling girl….

    You sound like me. I’ve spent the last two months teary and overwhelmed and hating myself for not being this rock solid awesome amazing brilliant woman. *blegh* It is out lot in life I think to never feel good enough.

    And we KNOW it’s rubbish and that we’re being ridiculous but we can’t help it. And why? NO IDEA!!! I’m in love with and living with the most amazing man I know. I have three healthy beautiful kids who are despite their already topsey turvey lives. We’re all fine. We’re all alive and safe and fed.

    I even sometimes try to tell myself that I’m so used to things being less than perfect that I don’t know how to react to this. But I know it’s not that.

    I don’t know what it is.

    But…I think I do kind of find it comforting to know I’m not the only one. Especially when the “other one” is someone I admire so much.

    We’re all doing ok kiddo. Exhaustion and being overwhelmed takes it’s toll on the soul. It gets better.

    I promise!!

  5. Honey… if you’re going to move to Cape Town, you’ll have to adjust to our way of life. Stop working so hard! 😉
    Seriously.. the hardest thing is to ask for help when you need it. But you really don’t need to do everything on your own. There are people that want to help.. you just have to tell us how.

  6. ((((HUG))). thanks for sharing this. I do like it when people start to get real on their blog. This is what we all need to hear. That there is ups and downs in other peoples lifes

  7. Riven blackhuff – thanks for the support.
    Nayse – thanks as you say good to know that others sometimes feel the same way and the even when things are close to perfect we can still get a bit overwhelmed.
    Ani – will work on the relaxing 😉 just with home schooling, running a business, writing, cooking cleaning and generally keeping it all going can be a little tough.
    Esther – there is something about seeing that other people are struggling too that makes one feel less alone.

  8. Just hang in there – this too will pass. I read somewhere that moving is the second most stressful thing to do (after the death of a family member) so maybe just a bit of unrecognized stress there.

  9. Hugs angelpie – one day at a time and if a ball falls you simply pick it back up and try again (dropping things is not the end of the world). Wish we were closer

  10. On a whim I moved to CT for a year a while ago. It was some of the most fun I’ve ever had and I met some magical people…very happy days really. It’s exactly what I wanted to do, but I still bawled my eyes out for the first two weeks that I was there.

    Chin up dear, you’ll get into it before you know it! 😉

  11. Hey friend. Firstly a HUGE HUGE HUG for you. Next, don’t worry about dropping the balls. Guess what – they bounce and since you not playing for the Springboks cricket team, it’s ok if you drop them! It is all a learning curve and you will be just fine. You have made bigger and more traumatic decisions in life so far and you and the children have survived just fine. Give yourself time and do what is most important to survive at the moment. The rest can wait. Remember it’s only “theory” that says the kids have to eat everyday 😛
    I know how you feel, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed myself lately and doubting decisions I’ve made. But then my boy tells me “luv u buv u mom” and suddenly my world is brighter and I know I made the right decisions I just need to stick with it.
    So hang in there and we will visit just as soon as I can afford it – I promise.
    Luv u buv u my friend xx

  12. Found this in a book I’m now reading
    By telling your story, there will be times you are the lifeline for another mother.

    You will be the saving grace for her children.

    And you will be the reason that mother is able to believe she truly isn’t alone.

    I feel that a lot about you and what you share.


  13. Hey there… everything you wrote made sense to me and I feel the same to actually every point you wrote… except that I didn’t move to CT!!!

  14. cat – it is getting easier as we go along
    Damaria,- thank you
    Barb – can i come ‘drop’ them off at your place LOL, miss our chats
    Elaine- hugs i know it is hard for you too
    Louisa – I think we so often underestimate how hard the process of moving is
    Gina – thank you
    Sharon – it was so nice to chat to someone else who knows about juggling all the roles. Ja I am sure we can skip a few days food then that means no dishes too which is great.
    Esther – I am glad I can help you not feel alone, i think by sharing that we are fallible we help each other more than pretending we have to all together all the time
    Wenchy – you could always move to CT 😉

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