A time to let go

I woke up on Saturday morning in tears, not a good way to start the day but in the end it brought closure on something that has been bothering me for ages. I had the most vivid dream about a friend being dead. I was really upset as we have been friends for a long time and even though things seem to have fallen apart recently, I really value this person. The problem is that I am not sure they feel the same. I feel like I am regarded with contempt which is not good for a friendship, feeling sub-intelligent is not nice.

My first thought was that I should make contact, email or something. Just try to say how much the friendship meant to me and maybe try pick up the pieces. What a realized, as I thought about it and as I spoke to someone who’s opinion I hold in very high regard, was that what I hoped to achieve by making contact and the probable reality were 2 very different things. I would just have to deal with more unkind words and explanations as to why I am not a nice person. Or I might just be ignored.

While good friendships always feel like something one should hang onto at all costs. But over time perhaps we grow in different direction or we do not get on as well as we used to. Letting go is hard, I hate to walk away but this time I think I have to.

Goodbye, thank you for the good times, the laughs, the meandering conversations and the times when it was easy to talk for hours. I will miss your friendship.

Look before you leap?

So I am faced with a dilemma, I want to move to CT. I need to be there. But my parents help me a lot here. I am slowly getting back on my feet and the money is trickling in but I am not sure I can wait long enough, I am not a totally practical person at the best of times. When I know what I want, I like to go for it, to grab on with both hands and not let go. Make it happen.

When you want something are you the throw caution to the wind kind of person or do you plan everything to the last detail?
Are there times when following your heart and your gut are more important than following your head?

I wish I knew, I am tempted just to go. Would pack it up and drive tomorrow if I could.

National Cleavage Day

It is National Cleavage Day #NCD, a day to appreciate being a woman and having breasts. And while I love my breasts, as most of you know, they have had a bit of help to be what they are today.
ncd

But a day like today is not just all about the fun of boobs, for some women the thought of showing anyone their cleavage is enough to send them into a cold sweat.I know the agony on being flat chested. And yes I did say agony, while I don’t believe every woman with slighlty less adipose tissue on her chest is a misery, I have been on that side of the fence and I know that our society places such a big emphasis on breasts that it is hard to come away unscathed. Add to that someone telling you that you are inadequate and it is next to impossible to feel that you are in any way shape or form sexy or desirable.

I do believe that there are some awesome, strong, wonderful woman with small breasts who are happy in themselves and would never consider doing what I did. I salute them, their honesty and ability to look beyond our society and find true worth inside is what we should all strive for. I long for the day when we celebrate bodies in all shapes and sizes and breasts in all their big, small, droopy and perky glory.

I am happy I had mine done and often find myself looking at them admiringly or just having to touch to see that they are there and actually mine. They have done a lot for my confidence and maybe I should have been able to fight the demons on the past without help from surgery but I am not sorry I did it. What I can say is that I now know that there are plenty of good men out there to whom the size of your breasts does not matter and to them I say thank you. The gift you gave me of knowing I am desirable like I am is something I treasure.

One of the huge bonuses of small boobs is they are super orgasmically sensitive, makes fun times even more fun 😉 , I know from my own experience and from talking to guys who have seen the different ways woman react have to having their nipples touched. While I am not saying that large breasted woman do not have fun it seems the reaction is intensified with smaller boobs but not having done a proper study on this (and maybe I will leave it for one of the boys) I am willing to be corrected.

Boobs Boobs glorious boobs, I celebrate #NCD and pay tribute to all woman no matter their shape or size. I only wish that I had been confident enough to participate in something like this before I had my op.

ncdncdncd

To do list:

To do list
I am hopeless at to do lists I always misplace them so I thought if I wrote it here I had more luck of finding it again. Lets see if this works, helps with being paperless and all too I guess. I understand that it will make ittle sense to everyone else so feel free to move on if you like.

    pink bullet sort out tax number – get book keepers number from Barbara.
    pink bullet SARS log book
    pink bullet change order email back to info
    pink bullet stock take
    pink bullet update sling colours post show
    pink bullet NM article before 13 April
    pink bullet P24 sibling article
    pink bullet follow up with lead for LL
    pink bullet write Eco Reflections for ART and for publication ?CL
    pink bullet look for an angle for Leila’s, food mag or such
    pink bullet cob house story – interior, eco and stylish
    pink bullet phone Douw re will
    pink bullet sort out car registration
    pink bullet get antivirus codes for Peter done
    pink bullet phone re nappy collection order for tomorrow

sick boy needs me now so will add more tomorrow
so the continued list that I did not get to finish last night

    pink bullet Sustainability Institute blog
    pink bullet Desktop Activists blog
    pink bullet add thank you page for ART website
    pink bullet add sponsor logos on ART website
    pink bullet bake cup cakes
    pink bullet unpack from road trip and move tents out of the lounge
    pink bullet work out budget

Okay so before I feel totally overwhelmed and never do any of them, let me stop. I can add some more as I tick some off

Blogs 4 Free Press #SpeakZA

It does not matter which side of the political fence you are, or even if you are perched neatly on the top and never get involved, when freedom of speech and the freedom of the press is threatened we should all be alarmed! As some who believe in the power of words and that we should all have a voice I will stand up and be counted on this one.

So Count me in this campaign
Last week, shocking revelations concerning the activities of the ANC Youth League spokesperson Nyiko Floyd Shivambu came to the fore. According to a letter published in various news outlets, a complaint was laid by 19 political journalists with the Secretary General of the ANC, against Shivambu. This complaint letter detailed attempts by Shivambu to leak a dossier to certain journalists, purporting to expose the money laundering practices of Dumisani Lubisi, a journalist at the City Press. The letter also detailed the intimidation that followed when these journalists refused to publish these revelations.

We condemn in the strongest possible terms the reprisals against journalists by Shivambu. His actions constitute a blatant attack on media freedom and a grave infringement on Constitutional rights. It is a disturbing step towards dictatorial rule in South Africa. We call on the ANC and the ANC Youth League to distance themselves from the actions of Shivambu. The media have, time and again, been a vital democratic
safeguard by exposing the actions of individuals who have abused their positions of power for personal and political gain.

The press have played a vital role in the liberation struggle, operating under difficult and often dangerous conditions to document some of the most crucial moments in the struggle against apartheid. It is therefore distressing to note that certain people within the ruling party are willing to maliciously target journalists by invading their privacy and threatening their colleagues in a bid to silence them in their legitimate work.

We also note the breathtaking hubris displayed by Shivambu and the ANC Youth League President Julius Malema in their response to the letter of complaint. Shivambu and Malema clearly have no respect for the media and the rights afforded to the media by the Constitution of South Africa. Such a response serves only to reinforce the position that the motive for leaking the so-called dossier was not a legitimate concern, but a insolent effort to intimidate and bully a journalist who had exposed embarrassing information about the Youth League President.
We urge the ANC as a whole to reaffirm its commitment to media freedom and other Constitutional rights we enjoy as a country.

Shock

At some point or another most of us have been walking along and suddenly spotted by a face in the crowd that we could have sworn was someone we knew. Even when you know it is not them the shock and the memories that come back can really leave you quite shaken. Something similar happened to me last week. We were on out road trip so far removed from the normal flow of life and suddenly there was a reminder of the past that I was not expecting. So stark and out of place. And it would happen on the day that I decided to quit smoking (oh yes the one on the balcony a night sort of multiplied when I was away and around other smokers. I had decided to stop that day and was doing very well mind you)

To say that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach would have been putting it mildly. My breathe was taken away. I grabbed the closes box of smokes and headed off into what we were told was snake infested bushes. As I sat letting memories wash over me, I was so glad to know that I had been right, they had no power over me any more. It was a chapter and it was over. Now, is more and the future is forward.

Sorry to be all vague but believe me this was a huge step forward for me, and I owe a lot to you.

I will end with a Meme I got from Wenchy’s blog

1.Explain what ended your last relationship?
As much as he was a lovely person and I did love him in a way it was not enough. I need someone who understands that dating me comes with dating my kids. He tried really really hard with the kids but it did not come naturally to him. I did not have energy to help him cope with the kids and cope with everything else in my life. He really did nothing wrong. He was very kind and supportive and I wish I had not hurt him.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Friday morning so that I could wear shorts on the last day of the road trip when it was so hot.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.
In bed tweeting

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
The same thing I am doing now, blogging, drinking tea and chatting to Ghilraen.

5. Some things you are excited about?
Moving to Cape Town, I am not even the tiniest bit nervous anymore, I am just more excited than ever. I can’t wait.

6. Your matric farewell night, what do you remember about it?
It was silly, I hate dancing and school was not my favourite place

7. Last thing received in the mail?
In the physical mail it was probably something for Earth Babies, nappies or something

8. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee, coffee, coffee, juice, more coffee and now earl grey tea with Ghilraen it is our thing.

9. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, I like to stand and watch the waves in one place and slowly let my feet sink into the sand

10. Any plans for Friday night?
recover from a long day at the Living and Loving Baby show and getting ready to do it all again on Saturday and Sunday.

11. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
As long as it tied up it is fine, not so keen on wind blowing hair in my face.

12. Where do you keep your change?
In the ashtray of my car.

13. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Goodness no idea, maybe when I was on TV last year, does that count, there were not that many in the room but a guess a couple watched at home.

Lessons from the scratch patch

gem stones,scratch patch,life lessons

I was at the scratch patch last week with the kids. They had loads of fun. It was interesting to see the difference between the two of them and the way they approached the task of collecting a few gems stones in a little packet. Rachel spent ages looking for her stones and loved finding really special ones. Caleb was a bit less structured about it, he lost the bag he was supposed to be putting the stone in and was much happier to throw the stones in the little stream, lie in them and generally trying to lob them at unsuspecting passers-by.

As I sat and watched them having fun and I looked through some of the stones at my feet. Sometime you would come across a really beautiful look stone and when you looked at it closer or turned it over you saw the flaws. It was a lot less perfect than you thought at first.

This got my brain ticking over about people. So often we look at people and we see the good stuff, it looks like they have it all together. I remember in one case being quite jealous of a friend until everything changed.

Do the imperfections mar the initial impression of perfection and beauty? Or does it just serve to show that while we all have our flaws and things we may not want others to see there is still beauty there to be appreciated and sometimes even more so because of the flaws.

Girls don’t pooh

Yes yes I am well aware that you all know we do, but knowing and knowing are two different things. I have a total phobia of the need to go anywhere but at what constitutes home at the time and no one can be around.

I once went to Botswana for 4×4 salt pans holiday where we slept in tents and had a spade to head off into the bushes with when the toilet was required. Needless to say I did not go for 5 days. Could not! It is just not possible to take the spade and head off into the bush when everyone knows what you are going to do.

Imagine a change in wind direction, I die at the very thought. The problem seems to be that when I am in a situation that I am not 100% comfortable, my brain and my anal sphincter (sorry for the TMI – the nurse in me) seem to drop signal and there is just no communication between the two. So imagine heading off into the bush with your spade and returning HOURS later. Not only does everyone know what you have been doing they know that it took ages. The idea of such mortification means the whole lot comes to a grinding halt. Not healthy I know but well some connection problems are easier solved than my brain and butt.

This slight neurosis of mine extends to when people are staying with me. I will go across to my moms house next door and use the toilet there. And I know that I am not the only one. Sheena blogged about it on Female2Female and I remember a varsity friend who was so conscious of toilet noises that she had perfected the angle at which to aim yourself and used layers of toilet paper just not the make a sound when weeing! So why on earth do I feel the need to share this now?? Well I am leaving on a road trip with 4 other people tomorrow… Oh shit!

Alone?

I really hurt someone, not just a little but a lot and the worst part is it is through no fault of their own but I know that no matter how much I say that, the idea of if only I did it differently she would have stayed might remain.

I ended the relationship with Aequitas and I am so very very sorry that I hurt him, he did nothing but support and love me and give me the freedom to be me.

But somthing in me just could not cope. I am not good at being alone and yet there are so many things in my life pulling me in 100 different directions that I felt I was just not able to cope with the relationship on top of everything else.

I am not sure the need to learn to be alone thing is totally true, but i do need to make sure that I do not hurt someone else like this again becasue I am not in the right head space. But I know that I am a people person, I get my energy and recharge with people around. So maybe single and surrounded by support is that way that I have to go for a while. Who know! Least of all me.

I hate hurting people.

Awesome Road Trip!

Will someone please pinch me, I must be dreaming! I keep thinking that any second now I will wake up and the crazy mad idea that grew in my head, will still be safely in there, and will not have somehow morphed into an idea that is growing a life, and gathering pace all on its own.

I always believed in this idea. I always thought that it could work. So it was not a lack of faith. I guess I am just blow away by the amount that other people have been willing to buy into the idea, and to go with it.
To understand it, when at times, I was not sure I totally understood it myself.

Most of all I have to thank @Majorproblem ( Yme) @squidsquirt ( Scott) and @andrevr (Andre) for believing in this and not letting me just drop the idea. They all have very different skills and even though 2 out of the
4 (Yme and Andre) are the realists, they never let the practical in any way dampen the dream or limit what we could achieve.

So what am I talking about? Pop on over here and have a look The Awesome Road Trip of PinkHairGirl and friends. The pilot is starting on 13 March and so the kids and I came down to CT to do the final arrangements. This is a trip around South Africa to highlight and talk about green and
community issues in our country. To tell stories that might otherwise not be told and to look at how communication, technology and the ability to access basic connectivity effects the power and voice that a
person can have in this country.

Follow us as we make our way around SA, we’ll need lots of help if we are going to reach the people we want to reach and make a difference in as many lives as we possibly can. We will be tweeting, blogging and
keeping you up to speed on Facebook as we go around. Spread the word to anyone who has an eco, green or community project that we might be able to visit on our travels!