Last night

Things have been going well in my life, I have a post in progress about how I am in a happy place with such awesome people around me, and then last night in a gchat conversation with my ex I suddenly felt like I was straight back in that relationship. It felt like all the happy was threatening to come crashing down.

After a big wobble last night I felt really desperate like maybe I could never escape this, but some fantastic people around me that believe that I can get through this and that the other side looks better held me up through the dark time and today I feel ready to carry on again.

You know it is easy to lay blame to say it was all him and easy for him to say that it was all me but I guess the truth is that we bring out the worst in each other. I remember reading on a friends blog about how maybe in different relationship people will not be as damaging, maybe sometimes it is the combination that is bad rather than the people. I know that as soon as ex and I speak 8 years of hurt rush in. We each have our idea of reality and so we spend the whole time trying to convince the other person of our point of view. We never found a way to listen to each other during the time we were together and nothing has changed.

I felt like a caged animal again, I fought and yes I was not always nice and I am sure I said plenty of stuff that made it worse rather than better. I felt cornered like nothing I said could affect any change. I do not want to be that person any more.

For our kids we have to have contact for the next how ever many years but I need to take the power struggle out of this fight. I will become totally financially independent so that money has no power in this relationship anymore. We have fought about money since the start and I refuse to do it anymore.

You know the best part of the conversation was when he said something along the lines of thank goodness it is over and imagine growing old with you. And I answered that there are some that would kill for the chance and he laughed and told me not to flatter myself but you know this time I knew it was true. I have wonderful people around me who really believe in me.

I will survive.

12 thoughts on “Last night

  1. FUCK! I know this feeling so well! You get caught up in the fighting and the only difference is that you no longer live together!

    It took me about 18 months to learn to IGNORE! To communicate what needed to be communicated and then ignore the rest. Its hard tho and sometimes even now I will retaliate and immediately I am plunged back to 4 years ago!

    But like Louisa said it does get easier.

  2. Eish.. ja.
    I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with my ex if he wasn’t a wonderful, caring and intelligent person. This is why we often feel guilty for leaving a relationship.
    He’s not a bad person.. but, then, neither am I.
    It was just the relationship that didn’t work for either one of us.

    I think that is the difficult part.. letting go of the relationship… acknowledging that you both did wrong but there’s nothing more that can be done to fix it.
    I really hated the things my ex said and did to me… and, after I filed for divorce, it got incredibly worse.
    I tried my best to make things better… even make the divorce easier for both of us. I had moved on from the anger, but he hadn’t.
    For my own sanity and peace of mind, I had to just cut off all contact. I guess it’s easier if you dont have kids. Thank god for the miscarriage… :/
    I truly hope that he will see the truth some day ie that I’m not an evil witch that was out to get him. I just wasn’t the one for him. We both made mistakes. And now we can both move on with our lives.
    But I’m not going to wait for him to see.
    I see it.
    And I’m loving it.

  3. I’ve been divorced for almost 6 years and in time it does see to get easier (maybe not for everyone). I get on fairly okay with my ex and his wife, but it is not always bliss – at least once a year we have a huge fight.

    What works for me is to limit contact. We only phone when really necessarily, e-mails are very, very limited because I believe you read the e-mail in the mood you’re in when receiving it, does that make any sense. It took a long time for us to get to where we are. I read a wonderful book called The Divorce Recovery Book, if you’d like I can send it to you, it helped me quite a lot.

    You have so much going for you, don’t allow him to insult you. You’re a stunning woman and a fabulous mom. Hell I’ve not even met you and can tell this by a few e-mails and blog reading:) Shit perhaps I’m psychic…..

    May you find that happy place again today and always!!!!!

  4. All good things will come…with a bit of determination. This has just fueled your fire I’m sure.

    When each person is a relationship is trying so hard to WIN the whole time, it becomes a power struggle. It gets ugly eventually. It is possible to surrender the small things without loosing your identity. You just have to find the right person to do it with.


  5. If a man has the power to make you feel bad about who you are then he is just not worth it. Remember it next time he slings insults your way. Don’t let his insecurities make you feel bad for who you are. He says those things just to bring you down.

  6. Yes you will survive and more than that you will thrive – guaranteed. How do I know this? Because “we” (your friends) will not let you fall or fail, we’ll stand by you, encourage you and even carry you when necessary. Cos that is just what friends do. xxx

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