Last night

Things have been going well in my life, I have a post in progress about how I am in a happy place with such awesome people around me, and then last night in a gchat conversation with my ex I suddenly felt like I was straight back in that relationship. It felt like all the happy was threatening to come crashing down.

After a big wobble last night I felt really desperate like maybe I could never escape this, but some fantastic people around me that believe that I can get through this and that the other side looks better held me up through the dark time and today I feel ready to carry on again.

You know it is easy to lay blame to say it was all him and easy for him to say that it was all me but I guess the truth is that we bring out the worst in each other. I remember reading on a friends blog about how maybe in different relationship people will not be as damaging, maybe sometimes it is the combination that is bad rather than the people. I know that as soon as ex and I speak 8 years of hurt rush in. We each have our idea of reality and so we spend the whole time trying to convince the other person of our point of view. We never found a way to listen to each other during the time we were together and nothing has changed.

I felt like a caged animal again, I fought and yes I was not always nice and I am sure I said plenty of stuff that made it worse rather than better. I felt cornered like nothing I said could affect any change. I do not want to be that person any more.

For our kids we have to have contact for the next how ever many years but I need to take the power struggle out of this fight. I will become totally financially independent so that money has no power in this relationship anymore. We have fought about money since the start and I refuse to do it anymore.

You know the best part of the conversation was when he said something along the lines of thank goodness it is over and imagine growing old with you. And I answered that there are some that would kill for the chance and he laughed and told me not to flatter myself but you know this time I knew it was true. I have wonderful people around me who really believe in me.

I will survive.