As a general rule I don’t date. The very thought fills me with dread. Since I have been single a few friends have suggested on line dating, but I am too terrified to even set up a profile. Well that is not entirely true I did try to set one up once but I got to the part where you select hair colour on the first page and gave up. Other will in no way shape or form describe the awesomeness of pink hair. I try to avoid letting friends set me up with people they know. The whole thing is just fraught with too much stress.
My biggest problem is that I suck at saying no and I hate hurting people’s feelings. Everyone says “oh it is just a date and it will be fine and no pressure” but there is pressure. The date is after all about sussing the person up and deciding whether you want to keep seeing them and this is the part that I feel I am not being completely honest about, as I am not sure I want to be seeing anyone at the moment. I am dealing with issues from my failed marriage and trying to figure out how and why I landed up where I did. I want to make sure that I do not make the same mistakes again and so I need to do some soul searching first. I have what I need right now.
So why you ask was I blow drying my hair and applying make up last night in preparation for a date? Well I guess in a moment of madness I thought that it would be okay and after all it is just dinner. That was last week Tuesday, as the time got closer I started to really think about all the implications of dating and I started to fret. To say that I was out of my comfort zone and a little bit nervous would be to stating it mildly. A few friends had to deal with my total and utter blind panic the days preceding last night. You see as vain as it sounds the fear was not if they do not like me, but rather if they do. I hate letting people down and hurting them, and seeing as by the time date night rolled around I was very very sure I was not ready for this I felt like a total fraud even going.
But I went, I arrived at 7:30 asked for the table reservation, sat down got a glass of wine and waited. A few frantic sms’s went out to help keep me occupied. 8pm arrived and I thought oh my goodness after all that worrying I had been stood up and I could escape. I checked with some friends as to how long one is supposed to wait and the general consensus was that 30mins was long enough. A few friends said they were sorry and that I must not take it too personally and all I could think was, the house is empty and quiet and I will just get a pizza on the way back and have an evening alone. Now if you know me you know that me relishing an evening alone is quite a monumental thing in and of itself. Just as I was about to leave the manager asks if I was waiting for anyone and what name he table was booked under. I told him and it seems my date was in fact at another table and we had had our backs to each other.
It was actually a very pleasant evening; conversation flowed easily even though we had to shout over the loud live music that was playing. We laughed and chatted and all round it was very nice. But I still knew in my heart that I was not ready for this. I was honest and he was very gracious and I guess in a way I am glad I went. I can tick going on a blind date and surviving off my list of things to do in my life time. He was a very nice guy and it was fun to get out but I am firmly back to my resolve not to date. I have everything I need and can cope with in my life right now.