I have a small balcony that looks out the front of this little flat that I share with the 2 most precious people in the world. It mostly stays locked during the day because the kids are a bit little to leave it open just yet. The first time I went out on my balcony I was not in a good space I had written my hope blog and all I could think the whole time I was out there was how much I wanted to have someone else there with me and for the lonely hole inside me to go away.
The next time was different and inspired this blog on never without the dream Now every night after the kids have gone to bed I go out on my balcony and I have some me time. As I have mentioned before I don’t really like being alone but what I am learning is that I have to be okay with it. I don’t have to like it all that much and being a very social person I think I will always want to have someone around. But and this is a big BUT, I have to be okay alone so that it is a want and not a need. Because if I need it too much then I run the risk of being desperate to have the gap filled and not being discerning about who fills it.
I have one cigarette on my balcony – the one a day that I allow myself and yes even that one has to stop, but for now the benefit of not smoking much is that you get that lovely head rush. I stand and do the titanic move, yes I know it is uber corny but there is something about standing with your arm outstretched that is good for the soul. So when this pack of smokes is done, then balcony time is smoke free.
I was think the balcony needed a chair and table and other stuff but now I am not so sure, I love just standing there looking out. The gentle noise of night creatures unseen, the twinkling lights of unknown lives and the countless star above make for the perfect place for me to learn that I am okay and that being alone with what I have now is sufficient. I want to make some angel mosaics for the walls and hang up my candle holder. This is going to become my space to learn and be okay being me.
A friend at Varsity gave me this poem years ago and now more than ever it seems apt.
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn…
And who knows maybe one day Romeo will stand below and serenade me hee hee but for now this is my space and my time.