Hope

Hope is an evil little 4 letter word. I know a lot of you are going to disagree with me when you read this and that is okay. At least my friend Heather understands.

The wikipedia definition: Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Sounds lovely right? But it is not always true. Very very often the outcome is not positive and we can’t have what we want. All hope does is let you dream that these things might be possible they open you up to happy thoughts about what is very often just not true or possible.

I worked as a palliative care nurse specialist before I had my kids and I have seen, spoken to and sat with many dying people. Many patients hoped for a cure or miracle right to the end, but it did not change the outcome, it often just left them little time to prepare or focus on goodbyes. Not that the reality had to be morbid or even depressing, it just was what it was.

We say ‘I hope xyz’ all the time it never actually has the power to make it happen. For example my son was sick today running a very high fever all day. For most of the afternoon he was in my arms screaming. He is asleep now thank goodness and I can say ‘I hope we will have a good night’ and images of peaceful sleep will be in my mind, in reality it is unlikely we will get a good night sleep. Why tempt yourself with ideas of things than might not happen? Is it not better to be surprised when they do rather than disappointed when they don’t?

I love the Greek Mythology about Hope. It was personified as Elpis. When Pandora opened Pandora’s Box, she let out all the evils except one: hope. Apparently, the Greeks considered hope to be as dangerous as all the world’s evils. But without hope to accompany all their troubles, humanity was filled with despair. It was a great relief when Pandora revisited her box and let out hope as well. It may be worthy to note that in the story, hope is represented as weakly leaving the box but is in effect far more potent than any of the major evils.

This weeks poem was not with the fridge magnet although I did stand there for a while, the problem is that the magnet set I have is is the romance and love one – not ideal at the moment. So a lot of the more morbid words I want are just not there, trusty pen and paper to the rescue.

Hope

Hope raised its ugly deceitful head
It opens a securely guarded heart
A ray of light illuminates the dream held deep within
And for a fleeting moment you see that dream
in all its Technicolor mesmerizing beauty

You dare to think,
You try hold back, wanting to protect
but Hope’s opiate elixir so sweet and warm
dulls the part of the head screaming – ‘wait!’
It’s too late the voice is drowned out as Hope’s
effects now course through your veins.

The dreams hope stirs are but a mirage
Reach out and touch them and they all just disappear
The elixir wears off
The vulnerable heart is left open in agony
Hope walks away laughing

want me

I did not have a good day yesterday. Barbara kindly invited me and the kids over to watch movies and patiently listened to my heart ache and offer kind words through my tears.

We watched Sunshine Cleaners.

There was one part where I so identified with the main character, she says ‘I am good at getting men to want me, not to date me or marry me but just to want me’.

Well no more, you either want me, all of me as imperfect as I am or please leave me alone. No I don’t expect marriage proposals and I am wise enough to know that not every date will lead to a relationship, BUT don’t even start to talk to me unless you are serious about the possibility of something more.