I don’t want to

Today I said to a friend who is going through a very rough time that sometime we survive because we have to and not because we want to. That is how I feel today. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to struggle to juggle and balance all the things I have to do. There is just too much. I can’t keep all the balls in the air at the same time, invariably something gets dropped or not done or I have guilt the size of the continent that the kids are not getting my full attention even when they get it.

I am finished, I am short tempered, feel overwhlemed most of the time and I just want a break. I love my kids more than life itself but at the moment I feel like I need to be quite far away from them so I can take stock, rest, restore myself and then I can give my best to them again.

BUT and this is a huge but I am terrified to actually do it, because my brain does not stop and the only way to drown it out is to be so busy that I don’t have time to think. I live on a few hours sleep a night at the verge of seer exhaustion. I eat a bit more than I did before but only when I really have to. I don’t even have the energy to run. Will it just be a Pandora’s box that I can’t close again?

Maybe I need to stop hiding from my feelings like I said in the poem earlier in the week, maybe I just need to be quiet and let the feelings come, feel them fully. Let the tears come without stopping them and just let this emotion run its course. See the thing is I am too terrified to do this alone. I am not the sort of person that like to be alone anyway and to be surrounded by the full extent and depth of my emotions without a soul around would be too much. But who on earth do you trust with that sort of task? Who in there right mind wants a mad crying woman sobbing for hours and if they were around would I feel uninhibited enough to explore this? I actually think that when I open up take out all these emotions and have a good look at them they may not be as scary as I first thought. All I really want in this process is understanding and comfort and someone who understands pain is not intimidated by it but also does not feel the need to try make it better.

Make me coffee, run me a bath, pour me wine, let me moan, hold me when I cry and be able to say nothing – yes. But need to make it better -No. I need to do that. I need to find the way myself.

I have a fantastic life, I have 2 amazing kids, a company I love with some exciting and new prospects on the horizon. I have wonderful wonderful friends who support me and most of all I am usually a happy person inside. I love life and there is so much I want to experience. I am just tired and for now would love a week to get off my mad life roller coaster and just breathe. Yes it will hurt but then maybe after a while it won’t hurt so much anymore.

8 thoughts on “I don’t want to

  1. Hugs Sally, I think I know how you feel.

    I let myself cry in sad movies and songs and while lying in bed, or I’d go run (or walk if that’s all I could manage) with music in my ears and cry behind my sun glasses. You do need to let it out, even if it is only in small bits at a time.

    If you can manage to get away from the kids for longer that might be better, but if you can;t the mini-release does help too. All the best. Thinking of you.

  2. ah, the leaky seams syndrome, I think its best to let it all out.
    Youl feel better, just purely for not having to keep it in.

    as fora week away, I so hear you and I do hope you manage that sometime in the future. Its a great sanity saver.

    and if you are not keen on unzipping the seams in company, why not do it in the ‘virtual’ company of blogger friends?

    Sending a hug your way

  3. ((HUGS)) Sally
    I will pour you wine and let you have good, long sob anytime and will probably join in – come on over 🙂
    It’s damn hard this thing called life!!

  4. It always amazes me that no matter what the details are of a break-up, the emotions are the same. The tears that seem never ending. I’m one of those people who take along time to process things…. it took me months of crying on weekends when I did not have the kids… crying on my way to work or back home… months and months… and then one day, I was just better. 🙂

    I wish you “better”.

  5. Jane: I am really hoping to come to CT for a break, we must chat over wine when I come. I know things have been horribly tough for you too, maybe we can even run together.
    Damaria: support is what gets me through, reading comments and knowing people care is like a little boost to my soul
    Imsonotabloger: leaky seams syndrome I like that
    Sue: yes lets arrange – we have to support each other
    Jeanette: come join Sue and I
    Wenchy: I hope the “better” comes soon – thank you

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