Not sure why I feel the need to blog this one but it has been floating around in my head for a while now so it needs to come out. I thought about it on my run and I realized that I like being thin, no I mean I really really like being thin. I have lost a lot of weight since I arrived back in South Africa back in January. As i have said before I am a stress non-eater so when times are tough it is hard for me to eat at all.
I am trying to figure out why every time I get onto the scale and I weigh less I actually quite like the feeling. I know that I am now bordering on getting just a little too thin and that I really should not loose any more weight but still when you weigh that 500g -1kg less it still feels good. Are we so conditioned by our society that loosing weight is always seen as a good thing?
Or is it the one thing that I have control over at the moment when all else feels like it is falling apart? I can control what I eat and if i don’t feel like it then it seems okay to go with that. I don’t feel as bad about eating as I did before, after my chat with D I was more able to get stuff into my mouth and actually swallow it. But I still have no appetite and could quite easily do without eating – well yes i know I could not do without it on a biological level but from a hunger point I could.
My first thought when I was able to eat again was ‘oh no now I will put on weight’ – I am sure that is not normal! So when I started running I thought ‘oh good at least it will help keep the weight off’
Quite a few men in my life over the years have indicated that putting on weight equals a withdrawal of affection. My ex did not like it when I put on weight after my kids. All this rolled in with the fact that I always got positive attention from people when I was younger for being so tall and thin, I think being thin is something I equate with feeling good about myself.
I guess putting this is black and white makes me look at it and the reasons I do things. I am not too thin yet – but i know it would not take much for me to go down that road.