I don’t want to

Today I said to a friend who is going through a very rough time that sometime we survive because we have to and not because we want to. That is how I feel today. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to struggle to juggle and balance all the things I have to do. There is just too much. I can’t keep all the balls in the air at the same time, invariably something gets dropped or not done or I have guilt the size of the continent that the kids are not getting my full attention even when they get it.

I am finished, I am short tempered, feel overwhlemed most of the time and I just want a break. I love my kids more than life itself but at the moment I feel like I need to be quite far away from them so I can take stock, rest, restore myself and then I can give my best to them again.

BUT and this is a huge but I am terrified to actually do it, because my brain does not stop and the only way to drown it out is to be so busy that I don’t have time to think. I live on a few hours sleep a night at the verge of seer exhaustion. I eat a bit more than I did before but only when I really have to. I don’t even have the energy to run. Will it just be a Pandora’s box that I can’t close again?

Maybe I need to stop hiding from my feelings like I said in the poem earlier in the week, maybe I just need to be quiet and let the feelings come, feel them fully. Let the tears come without stopping them and just let this emotion run its course. See the thing is I am too terrified to do this alone. I am not the sort of person that like to be alone anyway and to be surrounded by the full extent and depth of my emotions without a soul around would be too much. But who on earth do you trust with that sort of task? Who in there right mind wants a mad crying woman sobbing for hours and if they were around would I feel uninhibited enough to explore this? I actually think that when I open up take out all these emotions and have a good look at them they may not be as scary as I first thought. All I really want in this process is understanding and comfort and someone who understands pain is not intimidated by it but also does not feel the need to try make it better.

Make me coffee, run me a bath, pour me wine, let me moan, hold me when I cry and be able to say nothing – yes. But need to make it better -No. I need to do that. I need to find the way myself.

I have a fantastic life, I have 2 amazing kids, a company I love with some exciting and new prospects on the horizon. I have wonderful wonderful friends who support me and most of all I am usually a happy person inside. I love life and there is so much I want to experience. I am just tired and for now would love a week to get off my mad life roller coaster and just breathe. Yes it will hurt but then maybe after a while it won’t hurt so much anymore.

I will wait

I have not written fridge magnet poetry in a while but this one happened this morning when getting the milk out for the kids breakfast.

I will wait

In silent depths
At the edge of a promise
my soul must rest
learning the art of solitude
let the sadness be,
walk, lie, rise with it.
The fragile whisper of tomorrow.

Surprises

I got a card from a friend in the post. I hardly ever get post anymore, not the nice kind anyway. It was actually quite nice to open and enverlope and see the surprise inside. I love surprises. My mom and my ex are both very bad at surprises they told me before hand about my surprise kitchen tea party! I know it is practical to ask me before what gifts I might want or like but just once I would love to be surprised. I want to open a box and have no idea what is inside. I want to be take away on a surprise weekend away etc. I am a total romantic at heart and even little surprises make me feel all warm and fuzzy. And it is not about money at all, running me a bubble bath,have candles around, my book and a glass a wine and I will swoon.

So back to my card I got in the post it was not expected and yet it really arrived a day it was very needed. The part I love most about getting a surprise like this is knowing that you are loved because someone went to the trouble of thinking of me and planning to do something nice.

This is what my card said

You Are One of the Strongest Women I Know

Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles,
but they still choose to walk it because it’s the right one for them

Strong women are those who make mistakes, who admit to them,
learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.
They fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.

Strong women face the daily trials of life, sometimes with a tear,
but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.
-Brenda Hager

Most of the time I do not feel like a strong woman at all, I feel like a mess. But the first part of this poem is so true for me this path I have chosen now is not easy. But I do it because it is right for me not because it is comfortable.

My weird life just got weirder

Just when I thought things could not possibly be any stranger than they are, they get more weird. People ask weird stuff, do the unexpected or do nothing at all. I am left feeling like a spectator in a movie. Well I was even told something I said sounded like a line out of a movie. I am just going with the moments for now. Experiences and living in the present keep me from hurting thinking too much. One day I would like normal.

I have not done any fridge magnet poetry in a while I thought I would add this one from I wrote this for you I really like this blog

The Sky is a Distraction
I can look anywhere in the world but at you.
And it hurts to look anywhere in the world but at you.

Rachel’s Party

We basically have a 4 day long party for Rachel. I can’t believe my little girl is 5!! We first had the home school group over to our house on Wednesday. What a fantastic day we all had swimming and sitting out in the sun talking relaxing and listening to the sounds of children playing. I always feel great after a Wednesday. I took my camera down stairs but never actually used it – sorry.

Thursday was her actual birthday

Opening presents
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Rachel and Leitcho both got new dresses
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Brother enjoyed ‘helping’ make the cakes
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In the afternoon Rafe, Kara, Cameron and Kiara came around and the kids swam in the pool and generally had fun in the sun enjoying Rachel’s birthday with her.

We had her Mermaid under the sea party on Saturday

My beautiful mermaid and Shark Boy

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Rachel and friends
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Barbara made the most amazing cake – I don’t have any pictures of her blowing out the candle 🙁

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Tables
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T-shirts from the party bags
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the joy of being a child!
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We then had a braai in the afternoon at Laura’s house and I went out to a club that night – but that is a whole blog on its own!

Too thin?

Not sure why I feel the need to blog this one but it has been floating around in my head for a while now so it needs to come out. I thought about it on my run and I realized that I like being thin, no I mean I really really like being thin. I have lost a lot of weight since I arrived back in South Africa back in January. As i have said before I am a stress non-eater so when times are tough it is hard for me to eat at all.

I am trying to figure out why every time I get onto the scale and I weigh less I actually quite like the feeling. I know that I am now bordering on getting just a little too thin and that I really should not loose any more weight but still when you weigh that 500g -1kg less it still feels good. Are we so conditioned by our society that loosing weight is always seen as a good thing?

Or is it the one thing that I have control over at the moment when all else feels like it is falling apart? I can control what I eat and if i don’t feel like it then it seems okay to go with that. I don’t feel as bad about eating as I did before, after my chat with D I was more able to get stuff into my mouth and actually swallow it. But I still have no appetite and could quite easily do without eating – well yes i know I could not do without it on a biological level but from a hunger point I could.

My first thought when I was able to eat again was ‘oh no now I will put on weight’ – I am sure that is not normal! So when I started running I thought ‘oh good at least it will help keep the weight off’

Quite a few men in my life over the years have indicated that putting on weight equals a withdrawal of affection. My ex did not like it when I put on weight after my kids. All this rolled in with the fact that I always got positive attention from people when I was younger for being so tall and thin, I think being thin is something I equate with feeling good about myself.

I guess putting this is black and white makes me look at it and the reasons I do things. I am not too thin yet – but i know it would not take much for me to go down that road.

I won!!

This is take-2 on today’s blog, the other is left in my drafts and I am sure it is where it should stay. Just far too much emo-ness going on in it and I am guess there are very few people that really want to read any more emo here, so lets stick to all the rad things that happened today.

1) my boobs went for their 6 week check up and have been given the all clear to run. I bought them a new running bra called the Shock Absorber Hahaha not that they move anywhere anyway! Running here we come
2) I won R1000 Woolies voucher from Women24 for re-tweeting their competition! I have never won anything in my life so this is really cool.
3) Had 2 good business meetings today – exciting things happening all round. I just wish I knew more about websites and SEO than I do. I should have studied computers not nursing.
4) I bought some nice pink shoes but am considering not going to what I was going to wear them to.

Seeking the positive and I know these are all good things so lets just focus on them.

Disconcerting

Yesterday we went to a blog girls meet up at Ngwenya Glass Village. What a nice setting for a relaxed afternoon of chatting and laughing. I did not get a chance to look around all the little craft shops – well to be honest it would have been an unnecessary temptation with an empty purse! But I really want to go again and take my mom as I think she would enjoy it. It was lovely to chat and the kids could run around and play. I got to meet some of the people that I have not met IRL before which always makes reading and sharing their blog journeys that much more real and meaningful.

A pink hair first: a old man walking past asked if he could just touch my hair Hahahaha, I have had plenty of people ask to feel the new boobs since I got them, but this is the first request to feel my hair!

But the disconcerting part was near the end, Laura was staying in Jhb and I was taking all the many many kids home. She had left and the kids were still playing while we sorted out the last of the bill and got gathered up to leave. Kiara and Rachel come running over to me to say that a man has put Kiara’s toy dog in his car! They are visibly upset so I got up and walked over to where Cameron was to get the rest of the story. They say the dog was on the ground near them while they were playing and a man picked it up and put it in his car. They showed me the man in his late 50’s early 60’s I guess. He was chatting so some other people so I went over and asked if he had her dog. He said he did and walked to the car to get it. He said he found it and was going to hand it in at the desk but could not find anyone to give it to?!??!! What??? There were restaurant staff all over the place! I found it really really weird that he put it in his car while the kids watched him do this.

Needless to say I gathered the kids and left quite quickly. I could not figure out if he had spoken to the kids or not but Cam was very insistent that he told the girls to come straight to tell me and not to talk to the man. GO CAM!! We spoke about it in the car and about how they had all done the right thing coming to call me and not talking to the man. It is sucky that the world we live in makes it necessary to have these types of conversations with our kids.

Am I over reacting here or is that just creepy odd behaviour??

Soooo Exciting – My very first Blog Award

Wow this is super super exciting. Awards are one of those cool bonuses to blogging that I did not realize when I started. A bit like how addictive getting comments can be. On that note – I love comments so please comment about my mad rambling if you come across my blog!

blog award
I got this award from my partner in much wine consumption, my shoulder to cry on, ear to moan in, been there and made the same mistakes buddy Laura Thank you! For it I need to share 10 things about myself and then give the award to 10 other blogs that I love.

1) I had an awesome day today – my friend Colleen did a boudoir photo shoot for me today. It was so much fun and I really did feel very sexy. Can’t wait to see the pics. How cool is the timing of this award. Look it says boudoir on it!

2) My second name is Jane, I used to hate it but now I like it so much I actually often wish I could be called Sally-Jane.

3) I love ice-cream, chocolate and coffee – a lot!

4) I never realized quite how much I would love my boobs – can I just say again, I LOVE them! They have not changed me, they are not responsible for making me happy or not they are just nice to have.

5) I like being bare foot.

6) I need sunshine, I am very fair and burn easily so it is not like I am out there baking my little lily white bum in the sun or anything, but I really struggle when there is no sun for extended periods of time. I need to see blue sky and feel warmth on my skin. I think I suffered from S.A.D in the UK, even winter here in SA we still get some sun.

7) I dream of a weekend away without my kids, my parents do give me a break and they watch the kids so I can do stuff, but I would love to wake up on my own and need to do no more than roll over and go back to sleep or read or whatever else takes my fancy. I love my kids but some days just feel a little burnt out.

8 ) I don’t care if my clothes match my hair, in fact I quite like wearing orange. Speaking of hair, I really need to grow pink hair so if anyone can let me know how I would be very very grateful.

9) I miss my sisters in the UK.

10) I am worried about next week, but trying to do what D told me. live in the present and take control of the stuff I can control and remember that eating is not optional.

And now to pass it on:
Damaria, Barbara ( yes I know you don’t count yourself as a blogger – but you do blog on our EB blog and you are AWESOME) Jeanette, Elaine, Bridget, Karin, I’m so not a blogger, acidicice

I have been given ALL the answers!!

And who would ever have suspected that they would all come from a piece of paper handed out at the robots? Ja you know the ones that get cram into your face if you have you window down by even a millimeter. Now what is a nice pink haired eco mom to do? I want to use the aircon as little as possible – but having to fight off papers and worse being thrust at me whenever I stop is not cool. However on this occasion apparently the planets conspired so that I had my window down to receive my paper of enlightenment.

Some dude in Centurion for R200 with rather shocking sentence construction and grammar will do all the following for you. Bear in mind that he is a healer that will read your face and destiny using the Ancient method of checking through water and a mirror enabling him to tell you all your problems before you mention them to him.

So this is the fun part his specialties include:
* bring back your lost lover even if you broke up long ago – what you mean all of them? no really some are best left well in the past thanks so much

*Remove the bad spell from your life which keeps taking away – Shit so it is a bad spell that took those damn book case screws and the other things that go missing in this place, do you think this works for the mysterious missing socks too?

* Find out what’s holding you from progressing in life –seeing as I have done more things that I have never done before I think my progress is just peachy thanks

* Get you married to that love of your life in a short time and seal up your marriage with eternal love and happiness –sounds a bit like polyfiller, but no really can I just get divorced first please.

*Ensure success as you get rich quickly – why are riches and success always synonymous?

* Stop your marriage or affair from breaking apart – too late

* Masai Remedy Xtra for enlarging the breasts to a size D naturally – NOW you tell me! After I paid so much for these lovely silicon one and all I needed was masai root juice.

*Masai remedy for tightening the breast making them firmer to the size of your choice permanently – okay so explain how on one person you are growing D size knockers and on the other you are shrinking them to whatever they want, I guess it must be like something from Harry Potter you have to say a little spell first or say I wish I wish I wish for X size Boobs, any takers ladies?

and there was more but really what more could I want, bigger boobs, polyfiller romance and loads of money and all this for R200, bargain! So if anyone is tempted and wants all these great things just email me on somepeoplewillreallyfallforthis@pinkhairgirl.co.za