I had a conversation with a friend recently who was questioning her own part in an abusive relationship and if it was her fault as her husband suggested. She was worried that if it was in deed all her fault then maybe she would just go on to do the same in another relationship.
It got me thinking about ownership of guilt and responsibility. I by no stretch of the imagination believe that I was blameless in my relationship falling apart, or that the fault should all be with my ex. It is quite a scary place to be on the other side of a relationship that has failed and try to see why. How did you land up there in the first place? Why did you stay? And was walking away the best thing?
Yes walking away for me has been the best thing. I have a weight lifted off my shoulders that I don’t think I even realized half the time was there. I actually look forward to life and to the future rather than wondering how I will survive another day. I know that my ex is bitter and thinks that I did not try to fix things and that it could have been different. The problem was that I knew it could not be, it was like I had woken up and saw myself again and knew that I could never go back and be that woman again. He could never give me what I needed. It hurts him I won’t try, he feels he has more insight and things could be different. I don’t, I have just move too far from where we were. I think basically we are just 2 totally different people.
I am an explosive, temperamental person, passionate. My reactions, thoughts and feelings are big. So when in a controlling relationship my instinct is to fight back, and I did fight. I was not passive. We were like a match and petrol. I think what I came to realize is that fighting did not often change the outcome and so it became about the fight and the constant trying to win for the sake of it, we were very destructive in each others lives.
It is not nice for anyone to live with constant animosity. I don’t blame him alone and take ownership of my part. I hope one day he can see we are better apart.
As for myself and the future, I want that love, the one that is all consuming, passionate, giddy, a little crazy but that love that I see in my sister and her husband, they bring out the best in each other. My sister is the best she can be with her wonderful man at her side – I want that.