Today was one of those days when the reality of my situation really hit me. Most of the time you just carry on, life is busy and experiences happen. You just go with where life takes you, even if sometimes the timing of things leaves a lot to be desired.
But then there are days which are not so good, maybe it was the fact that the day started with taking Rachel to a course for divorced kids. Not exactly the type of social group and course that one pictures happening in your child’s life when you have them. Knowing that no matter how much you are doing the right thing that there are casualties in this process. That despite your best efforts they are going to get hurt. Sometime even though you know being selfish and doing what is right for yourself will have the best outcome for everybody in the end, it is hard to think that my decisions change their reality. And yes I truly believe that it will be for the best but no kid walks away from divorce unscathed. To heal yourself you hurt them, but not being true to yourself damages you all more in the end anyway.
The rest of the day I was reminded of being alone. I should be so used to it by now. With my ex having worked on an oil rig for so much of the time I used to go to a lot of social events on my own with the kids. Even when he was with me, there was no connection, no signs of affection, no bond. It was as lonely with him there as it was without.
Now that I am out the other side, I see how much I crave to have that connection with someone. I am tired of doing it all alone and yet I don’t just want a relationship for the sake of it. I long to share who I am with someone. I want that person who is not only a practical help but whose eyes catch you across the room and you know you are theirs and that you share you lives willingly and totally. I want the person who comes and puts their arms around me and shows how much they love me.
As I said it is not a good day, the reality is very different and there is no point is spiralling myself down thinking of all that could be different. I have the most amazing people in my life who love me and for the rest I will wait…