Mirrors, are after all just pieces of reflective glass that give us a unbiased, factual reflection. But our eyes are different. The reflection we see is so tainted by our past, that we seldom see what is actually here. Our baggage clouds our view and soon the mirror becomes a necessary evil that we endure, to do the daily tasks like putting the contact lenses in, applying the make up as fast as possible so the time needed in front of it can be kept to a minimum.

I think there are very few women, who actually like what they see. Magazines and airbrushed models set unrealistic goals for the mere mortal woman. A lot of us have wounds from the past; relationships, friends or family can inflict wounds that we carry with us. We have heard criticism over parts of ourselves, that we have no ability to change and we learn that, the way we are, is just not quite good enough. Over the years, the fog before our eyes grows, and the image we see is distorted. Until…

Until, we find a new pair of eyes staring at us and we catch a glimps of the reflection that they see. They see beauty, loving every part of us. Not expecting perfection, but their love is unwavering in the face of a bad hair day, a fat I-can’t-find-anything-in-the-cupboard day, and even the day your skin forgets you are 33 and not 15. You are loved for who you are, imperfections and all. In their eyes, the bits you hate are not so much over looked, but because the eyes see and love the whole YOU, they are totally insignificant.

And then, one day you get out the shower and look in the mirror, and you start to see what they see. Not perfection, but also not an image totally skewed by the fog of years of negative-self-speak. You see you through someone else’s eyes. It is a gift, and slowly the fog lifts. There are days that the habit of self loathing come crashing back, but then fridge magnet poems remind you to see what is there, and see what they see.

I only hope I am able to give the same gift.

Oh my word what did we do before the internet? I am an extrovert, not in the sense that I need big crowds or that I need to be the center of a huge party but in the way that I draw my energy from people. I like to be around people and talking and feeding off them as my one friend put it. So for me to have moved and have no internet is like torture. I love my kids endlessly but they can be a real drain on my energy when I have little other interaction during the day. So the move to Cape Town has meant not only less of my friends around but also no internet has cut me off from my on line support. I am not sure I realized quite how much I needed the people I chatted to on twitter and those who’s blogs I read and using my own blog to chat to others and get my thoughts out.

A few little hiccups have meant that we have been rather challenged in the getting internet.
- Helkom who said we could have a ADSL line no problem when we got the phone line now suddenly have no ports and will not be putting any more infrastructure in place before next year! If you ask me they have so over stretched themselves with the World Cup that they have no more money for the basic stuff. Having no internet and an on line business is not very helpful
- so the next obvious choice is Wireless, we called a few places for a site survey and guess what, luck would have it was have 2 big ass trees in that directly block the 2 hills that the antenna are on that transmit the signal, so that is not an option.
- 3G it is then for now, but we are both MTN and this is a crap signalk area for MTN so we have to get a vodacom card Ricca it and try use it that way, easy? No not quite, have you ever tried to change yiour address before one of the suckers will give you an address change, no i can prove my address with a bill before on of you will give me a bill with my address!!!
- On top of that my cell phone that I could tweet with got stolen, it was one of the worst things, it was given to me as a gift by an amazing person that I am not allowed to name and it is so much worse when a gift gets stolen than something you bought yourself, I was gutted.
- Then my lap top broke
- The home phone broke

It was basically just an all round communication technology fail. I now have a new pink laptop, a new HTC Desire phone, we have a new home phone and have resigned ourselves to 3G, although the fight with the parasite, I mean para-statal Telkom. continues!

The communication front has not been great, and the move has been a big adjustment for the kids however I know it sounds corny but I am loved.
I throw wobbly and I am loved,
I have PMS and terrible cramps that double me over and I am loved and looked after,
I go to a parenting forum get together and Yme comes with me.
I am getting used to the fact that he wants to do stuff with me and that he is not going to shout at me and that he actually likes to help organise stuff and shop for the house.
He likes having people over. He might not be an extrovert like me and he needs space alone but he knows my need for people and he accommodates that. He never makes me feel guilty for wanting or needing people.
He tells me he loves me, he even whispers it to me when he thinks I am asleep and can’t hear.
He loves me just the way I am.

I have missed you all, what has everyone been up to? I hope to be here more from now on. I have also started a blog for the kids for their news and home school stuff. www.pinklets.wordpress.com which I hope to be able to update a bit more now that we have some internet albeit not the best fastest or cheapest.

I found this when I was packing up and I quite like it. Yes I know it is a tad arb but there are some good tips.

* Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully
* Memorize your favourite poem
* Don’t: believe all you hear, spend all your money, or loaf all you want
* When you say “I love you” mean it.
* When you say “I’m sorry” look the person in the eye
* Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married
* Believe in love at first sight
* Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
* Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely
* In a disagreement, fight fairly. No name-calling.
* Don’t judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
* Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly
* When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask “why do you want to know?”
* Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
* Call a relative
* Say “bless you”when you hear some sneeze
* when you lose, don’t lose the lesson
* Follow the 3 R’s: Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions
* Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship
* When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it
* Smile when you pick up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
* Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older his/her conversational skills will be even more important.
* Spend some time alone
* Open your arms to change, but do not let go of your values.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
* Read more books. Television is no substitute.
* Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time
* Trust in God, but lock your car
* A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life
* Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
* In a disagreement with loved ones, deal only with current situations. Don’t bring up the past.
* Don’t just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
* Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality
* Be gentle with the earth
* never interrupt when you are being flatterned
* Mind your own business
* Don’t trust anyone who does not close his/her eyes when you kiss.
* Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before
* If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It’s a wealth’s greatest satisfaction.
* Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck
* Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
* Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
* Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
*Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny
* Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I overheard Rachel asking my dad if the world was made of opposites. Then they discussed big and small, fast and slow etc. Listening to their happy chatter my brain went off on a totally different track. It is so easy to be black and white about things when you are 5, there are still absolutes. In a kids world things are usually one thing or another. As I get older though there seems to be a lot less black and white and a hell of a lot more grey.

Is the opposite of good, bad? Is it always that clear cut? I am sure you have all heard a story of the girl/guy who broke up with your friend ( or maybe even you) and then a few weeks later they were dating someone else and our usual response is to be mad and wonder: How could they be so insensitive? Did the other person not mean anything to them? We sympathise with our friend and say bitch/bastard and lots of head shaking goes on.

But because life is so seldom black and white, what happens when it is you? When you are the bad one. So I blogged about the relationship with Aequitas ending and as much as he was a fantastic person and he gave me so much, I healed and grew and relaxed with him, there was nothing I could do to stop it not being right. I tried to ignore the niggly feelings but I could not. It was never my intention to hurt him – I was told intentions are meaningless and maybe that is true. But relationships come with risk and I truly did not picture the end like it was at all.

But, and there is always a but in a grey world, an unexpected turn. There is a friend who has stood by me through a lot of stuff, someone who effortlessly gives me energy and knows what to say, when. I liked him the first time I met him ages ago but never thought the feelings were returned. We had been twitter friends before that and started chatting after I needed computer help as always. We get on like a house on fire. Well the timing was bad to discover feelings for each other straight after I had just ended a relationship. We decided not to pursue it. But sometimes no matter how hard you try things just grow and I think because we have been such close friends for so long, the rest just happened so easily.

So there you have it, I am that girl. The one who is dating so soon, the one who must have a heart of stone and not care for the person I ended it with – well actually no, nothing could be further from the truth. Just sometimes life happens, feels grow even when they should not. Hate me, bad mouth me, think I am crazy and irrational and mad for following my heart so soon. But as much as I knew things were not right before, I know that they are this time. I have never ever felt this way about anyone before.

To say that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach would have been putting it mildly. My breathe was taken away. I grabbed the closes box of smokes and headed off into what we were told was snake infested bushes. As I sat letting memories wash over me, I was so glad to know that I had been right, they had no power over me any more. It was a chapter and it was over. Now, is more and the future is forward.

Sorry to be all vague but believe me this was a huge step forward for me, and I owe a lot to you.

I will end with a Meme I got from Wenchy’s blog

1.Explain what ended your last relationship?
As much as he was a lovely person and I did love him in a way it was not enough. I need someone who understands that dating me comes with dating my kids. He tried really really hard with the kids but it did not come naturally to him. I did not have energy to help him cope with the kids and cope with everything else in my life. He really did nothing wrong. He was very kind and supportive and I wish I had not hurt him.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Friday morning so that I could wear shorts on the last day of the road trip when it was so hot.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.
In bed tweeting

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
The same thing I am doing now, blogging, drinking tea and chatting to Ghilraen.

5. Some things you are excited about?
Moving to Cape Town, I am not even the tiniest bit nervous anymore, I am just more excited than ever. I can’t wait.

6. Your matric farewell night, what do you remember about it?
It was silly, I hate dancing and school was not my favourite place

7. Last thing received in the mail?
In the physical mail it was probably something for Earth Babies, nappies or something

8. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee, coffee, coffee, juice, more coffee and now earl grey tea with Ghilraen it is our thing.

9. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, I like to stand and watch the waves in one place and slowly let my feet sink into the sand

10. Any plans for Friday night?
recover from a long day at the Living and Loving Baby show and getting ready to do it all again on Saturday and Sunday.

11. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
As long as it tied up it is fine, not so keen on wind blowing hair in my face.

12. Where do you keep your change?
In the ashtray of my car.

13. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Goodness no idea, maybe when I was on TV last year, does that count, there were not that many in the room but a guess a couple watched at home.

The female2female blog challenge this week is 10 things. Any 10 thing. Laura did  10 thing she wants to do before she dies, but I sort of did that in this post so I decided to be scare you all away with soppy. Damn I can’t believe you all survived my emo and now the soppy. I am truly sorry but here goes

10 things I love about you

1. You are intellegent and I love talking to you, we have such interesting conversations, you never make me feel dumb even when I don’t know much about a topic.
2. You send me an sms when you go to bed, which is always after me, so when I wake up in the morning I get to read that you love me and reminding me to do my sit-ups.
3. You support me as a mom and tell me I am doing a good job and how loved my kids are, you understand how I want to do things and the sense of failure I have not quite being where I would like to be.
4. You believe in me, you offer support and are so willing to help, but you tell me how you know with or without you I can do it. You don’t need me to feel dependent and understand how important it is for me to feel a sense of financial independence.
5. You are flying up all the way from CT just to help me drive down with the kids.
6. You do not want to change me in anyway, I feel no pressure to be anyone but myself.
7. You are willing to be involved with the kids and help me but honest enough to say it you need time out for a while.
8. You like being silly with me and I love how much we laugh when we are together.
9. You are following your dream and love what you do
10. You look into my eyes and I know that I am loved.

So after that rather long preamble what I am going to write about is a tad soppy so feel free to skip the nausea inducing text that follows.

I was with my ex for 8 years and never once did he ever say that he loved me, in fact I don’t think he really truly loves anyone in this world but his daughter. I convinced myself that I was not the soppy type and that I did not really like pet names, holding hands and all the other signs of affection. I can’t only blame my ex I think I was like that with a lof of my previous partners, maybe not quite as bad but still. You see I am a very very physical person, I love to be touched but I come from a rather emotionally reserved family so there is the dicotomy between what I know through habit and upbring and my natural tendency to want to be emotional, touchy and rather soppy.

Would have known that I would become a ‘get-a-room’ kind of gal, that I would love holding hands and being called “Love” would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? I never knew feeling loved by someone in an uncomplicated normal way could feel so good.

There are times when I think that my reserved upbringing, and not being used to be loved in a relationship, makes me occasionally draw back, retreat and try sabotage things. I am good at that, I am good at breaking relationships, but this time, this time is different! I do sometimes transfer my weight onto the back foot as I contemplate turning on my heels and running. But I stop myself and I look at what I have and why I want to run and I realize that my own sense of self worth is often to blame. My own sense of ‘oh shit, my life is way too complicated for anyone’ (Please do not think that I was not loved as a child, I was very loved my parents are just not very physical towards each other so it is not something I have seen as a child.)

But then I get the sms that make me smile all the way to the inside of me, the ones that fill a place so deep inside that I did not know it was empty. I feel loved but never caged, anchored but never bounded. Aequitas loves me, he believes in me and most of all he allows me to be as independent as I need to be. He know it is important to me, he knows I need to security of feeling I can manage on my own, but I only have to ask and he is more than willing to help. If I want to move very heavy bookcases and he says “go for it,  if I was there I would help you but I know you can do it , I believe in you.” Sometimes I do silly forgetful things like leave my car open with the keys in the ignition whileIi go into the shop, he never makes me feel stupid he just says – “try remember becasue I worry about you, you are special to me.”

The distance is hard, but I think it helps me to get used to being loved and to know that it is something I really want. I miss him when he is not here and I can’t wait to tell him things and share the arb details about my day. Besides we both love the Pac-Man bookcase!

One of the things that I think heals me the most is not only being loved but learning to love back and seeing how good I can make someone else feel too. The circle of love.

I googled pet name and while most of the name on this list still make me feel a little queasy, I am learning

So pet names: bring them on!

- My mom took him to the toilet and he said to her : “This penis is not working, I need to jiggle it”

- I often ask Rachel if she will do me a favour and help me get stuff or do something for me, Caleb now asks just about everyone ‘Mommy/Granny/Bumpa/Christina/Rachel/Marc ( insert required name) can you do me a favour?’ and then he says nothing after that.

- me: Caleb what are you doing Caleb: singing to my penis

- “Rachel is annoying me”

- if you close your eyes and pretend to sleep he says cock-a-doodle-do until you wake up, he also pretends to snore

- ‘MOM can I zerbit your tummy?’ he loves to stroke and make big noisy zerbits on my tummy, then he kills himself laughing.

- he says B for V so movies = mobies, TV = TB DVD = DBD heavy = heaby etc it is cute

- He can count to 12, green is his favourite colour and he loves to eat olibes (olives)

- If anything breaks he tells you he will get his screwdriber (driver) and fix it

- but he also tells me I am beautiful and he hugs me and says ” Mommy I luff you” and I melt

1. Last beverage ~ Red espresso and apple juice ice tea ( I am trying to cut back on my coffee addiction)
2. Last phone call~ Barbara it is her birthday!
3. Last kiss~ 2 seconds ago
4. Last song you listened to~ 30 seconds to Mars – the Kill
5. Last time you cried~ Friday night, was cut deep by a friend

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ Yes
7. Been cheated on? ~ Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it ? ~ No
9. Lost someone special? ~ Yes
10. Been depressed? ~ Yes
11. Been high? –> Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink _ no brainer there
13. Green
14. Orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ Yes
16. Fallen out of love ~ No
17. Laughed until you cried ~ Yes
18. Met someone who changed you ~ Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ not yet, there is time
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ No, I have awesome boyfriend for all my kissing needs

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ I have 2
24. Do you have any pets ~ we share my parents dog
25. Do you want to change your name ~ I changed it from just being Sally to include my second name Sally-Jane
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ was in England for my sisters wedding – my friends made a big fuss of me
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 5:30
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ I can’t actually believe it but I was actually sleeping which is so unusual for me
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ ART
30. Last time you saw your father ~ just over a week ago, he is in the US at the moment, usually see him everyday
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ financial independence
32. What are you listening to right now ~ 30 second to Mars
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ Yes used to work with a Tom
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ i know this is silly but compared to the place I was in my life a while ago things are so much better that I think my tolerance to silly annoyances is higher.
36. What’s your real name ~ Sally-Jane
37. Relationship Status ~ Dating awesome boyfriend
38. Zodiac sign ~ Gemini
39. Male or female ~ Female
40.Primary School ~ Glenstantia Primary school
41. High School ~ The Glen High School
43. Hair color ~ Pink
44. Long or short ~ medium
45. Height ~ 1,79cm
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ if a crush always mean unfulfilled then no, if it means feeling silly in love with someone then, yes
47. What do you like about yourself ~ I really care about people
48. Piercings ~ ears and belly button
49. Tattoos ~ YAY yes I have a lovely new tattoo, so happy with it
50. Righty or lefty ~ righty

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ tonsils 3yrs
52. First piercing ~ ears 11 I think
53. First tattoo ~ December last year my Guardian Angel Ankh
54. First best friend ~ Sandi
55. First Sport ~ running
56. First pet ~ dog
57. First vacation ~ Can’t remember
58. First concert ~ *blush*I think it was UB40 or Bon Jovi
59. First crush ~ no idea
60. First alcohol drink ~ can’t remember

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ just finished supper ( spaghetti and mince made by awesome boyfriend)
62. Drinking ~ nothing
63. I’m about to ~ play Torchlight with Rachel then put the kids to bed
64. Listening to ~ still 30 seconds to Mars
65. Waiting for ~ kids to go to bed

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ both
71. Shorter or taller ~ Tallerish as long as they are about my height or above
72. Older or Younger ~ depends
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ You are kidding right? I want spontaneously romantic!
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ Strong arms to hold me so I feel safe and loved
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ whatever they feel comfortable with not a make or break for me
76. Sensitive or loud ~ confident and funny
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ again confident and funny I don’t really want a trouble maker or someone who is hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ Yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ yes
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ Yes
82. cried in front of someone ~ yes
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes – still haunts me sometimes
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ no
86. Turned someone down ~ yes
87. Cried when someone died ~ yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no not like THAT, yet

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ yes if i don’t who will
90. Miracles ~ no, i believe that people can surprise us beyond our wildest dreams and touch our lives deeply
91. Love at first sight ~ Yes
92. Heaven ~ No
93. Santa Clause ~ No but there were snow footprint in my lounge on Christmas morning
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ I wrote this at the end of my blog about 2009
I know this one is a tiny bit soppy and I don’t believe in the religious icon kind of angel, swooping and swerving against a bright blue sky. My angels are down here, in the trenches, keeping me safe.

“Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!” Author Unknown

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i would love to see my friend Dimity in the UK and sit and drink vanilla rooibos
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ No
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever ~ Yes!
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ Love
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

I am not going to tag anyone just do it if you want to

I have been avoiding writing this post for a while. Something happens when you have a blog, everything becomes a potential blog post and this idea has popped into my head a few times when talking to friends over the past few months. I kept putting it off thinking that when I had something profound to say I would be able to do the topic justice, but the epiphany never came. The problem with this topic is that it can seem so cliché to just say “hell yes, you risk all for love.”

Last night on twitter a few of the girls were talking about the movie City of Angels (possible spoiler, so don’t read further if you have not seen the movie and still want to) and it got me thinking again about how much should we risk for love. I cried in that movie, they found that love, the one we all look for and then just like that it was gone, should he have risked so much for such a short time? Can love be measured in time, or rather in how it makes your heart feel and your soul sing?

I asked the question on twitter about what we should risk for love and the answers varied from everything to nothing. But the one reply that got me thinking was Lisa Troy’s answer : “The problem isn’t what we risk for love it’s that we risk for the illusion the other person offers us. That’s the tragedy.”

There is some truth in this, we often look to others to offer us the dream, the happiness we seek, but this has the potential for disaster. I don’t think another person should be responsible for your happiness, they should add to it. I believe that real love, where the person is enough as they are and all you have to be is yourself, is worth risking a lot for.

For me as someone who has always been a bit cynical and skeptical of love, the biggest risk is in the loving itself. We don’t use the word ‘falling’ in love for nothing, there is a process of abandonment of rational thought that is needed to fall, a loss of control is implied. This can be blindly terrifying as the outcome no matter how sure you were when you took the leap is always to a degree uncertain. But wow that falling feeling is great!

So what do you think, what should you risk for love?