- The obvious one is the jacarandas, there is nothing like the visual overture of purple blossoms that announce that spring is here. I have lived in the Europe and the UK where cherry blossoms signal spring with their tiny pink flowers but there is something about that familiar purple that I miss when I am not at home.

- The familiar: I have lived in Pretoria for so long that I know where everything is, I know the back roads I know which shop sells what and exactly where to go for everything. If you know me you know how easily get lost, so just the thought of venturing out when i do not know an area can make me feel quite anxious. I know that over time I will learn, but i am going to miss just knowing where stuff is. Thanks for Cat for the jacaranda picture. ( a quick aside, as i was googling for jacaranda pics i found this one on Cat’s blog and it was so weird as we both lived in Pta we comment on each others blogs but we have never actually met, then I saw another picture on a blog that turned out to be someone I grew up with who now lives in America and I did not even know she blogged – Gypsy Mom (Lisa-Jo)

- My family: without my parents there is just no way that I would have survived this last year, their unwavering support and help got me through some very dark days. They opened their home to being invaded by sticky hands and plenty of toys at a time when they were used to tidy and quiet. They helped me with the kids and went above and beyond to care for us, look after us financially and lavish us with love at a time hen we were all feeling very fragile and a bit emotionally battered. They provided a safe place for the kids to recover from their parents separating. We will miss them so much, but as my mom works in CT often i hope e will still see them a lot and perhaps us being here will be the pull they need to return to the Cape to retire in a few years as they have talked about for a few years. I know they do not fully understand my decision to move down to CT now, they know I have been talking about it since I got back to SA but this happened rather fast, yet they have offered their support both emotional and practical and been nothing but amazing at a time that i know their hearts are sore having lost having the kids around all the time.

My friend Sharon took these pics of the kids and their grandparents on your last weekend there and it was enough to bring tears to my eyes when I saw them. Thank you Sharon. the kids were being difficult and were tired so Sharon is a amazing to have gotten these two that really pull on my heart strings.

- My little house, the kids and I stayed next to my parents in a little ( well not really so little) house on the same property. I miss my house, I really loved it, especially the balcony. I even blogged about my balcony here and here and while i never did get to fix it up. Yme and i do have this little braai area in our new house which is becoming like my balcony to me. We spend time in the morning and evening there, our time to connect as the day starts and as it ends again. My wonderful friend Barbara, (who deserves a whole post all of her own and one is in the pipelines) got her husband to make me wood cut outs of those angels I mentioned in the balcony blog so maybe it is time to finish them and put them up in our new space. Most of all about my house i miss the cupboard space. We have so much stuff. I don’t think Yme believes that i threw more than half away. Time to thin out more I think.

- my friends, Sharon, Laura, Heather and Esther I miss you guys, please come visit.

- Tuks FM the only good radio station in South Africa in my humble opinion, I can listen to it all day and most of the time like all the music which is really not the case with most of the other stations. I am a rock chick at heart and while i know I can stream it at home, what am i supposed to listen to in the car???

- There is just something about Pta that you would not understand unless you have lived there. It is not a tourist attraction and I supposes not terribly pretty expect when the jacarandas bloom, but it is calmer than Jhb and has an appeal for those of us who have called it home.

I am sure there are things that I have forgotten and will add with time, but as much as I miss it, I am very ready for this new adventure in my life. I am ready to share it with someone who understands me, challenges me, loves me and wants to be part of my and the kids little family.

So I have decided that my lovely balcony needs a bit of a face lift to make it a bit more aesthetically on par with the emotional awesomeness it already has.

This is my balcony from the street, and the fat dog Stanley and my car newly named Fred by Rachel ( Freddy actually and she like this because she has a friend Freddy in England who she misses a lot)

There are a few little things on it like this wire sun which needs some candels

these little dragonflies which Rachel likes

but for the rest it is pretty bare

This pot could do with a proper non-weed variety plant

My sister made these angels for my mom, they are not very big as you can see by the size comparison to my hand, but I love the idea and think I will cut bigger ones and mosaic them for the walls.

So my shopping list for my balcony is:
candels
plant
wooden wind chimes
wood for angels
mosaic tiles and grout
chair and small table

These are just some random pics I took of me and the kids while we were out on the balcony

Only got one of Caleb as he was running away most of the time, I have quite a few of the back of his head

Rachel

Our family – momma love

The next time was different and inspired this blog on never without the dream Now every night after the kids have gone to bed I go out on my balcony and I have some me time. As I have mentioned before I don’t really like being alone but what I am learning is that I have to be okay with it. I don’t have to like it all that much and being a very social person I think I will always want to have someone around. But and this is a big BUT, I have to be okay alone so that it is a want and not a need. Because if I need it too much then I run the risk of being desperate to have the gap filled and not being discerning about who fills it.

I have one cigarette on my balcony – the one a day that I allow myself and yes even that one has to stop, but for now the benefit of not smoking much is that you get that lovely head rush. I stand and do the titanic move, yes I know it is uber corny but there is something about standing with your arm outstretched that is good for the soul. So when this pack of smokes is done, then balcony time is smoke free.

I was think the balcony needed a chair and table and other stuff but now I am not so sure, I love just standing there looking out. The gentle noise of night creatures unseen, the twinkling lights of unknown lives and the countless star above make for the perfect place for me to learn that I am okay and that being alone with what I have now is sufficient. I want to make some angel mosaics for the walls and hang up my candle holder. This is going to become my space to learn and be okay being me.

A friend at Varsity gave me this poem years ago and now more than ever it seems apt.

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn…

And who knows maybe one day Romeo will stand below and serenade me hee hee but for now this is my space and my time.

Conversation is amazing, the power of words and ideas never ceases to fill me with awe. People can have such a profound effect on your life just by saying things that make you think or that challenge where you are at. One conversation today made me think about me. Why I draw people to me so easily. I think it is because I am a very honest and open person, people feel drawn to the energy or something. I like who I am a lot. There is very little self doubt really. Does that make me sound arrogant? Maybe but it is not. I know who I am and I like me, I have a lot to give. I am a giver my nature. I want to be needed, I am a nurse after all. it means we come with a slightly pathological desire to be needed Until someone is ready to be in my life totally and to want all of me as imperfect as I am, I need to be careful of those I draw to me.

But I am okay, I am enough just as I am. I smiled while I stood there tonight in the quiet with my glass of wine and thought how luck I am and how many fantastic people I have in my life. True beautiful amazing people. Some people are never as luck as to have so many great friends. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have a group of friends that will do anything for me. Not everyone has that, and I never ever want to take that for granted.

If I tell you how corny I was tonight, just smile and know that I am okay. I stood there and I did the titanic pose, you know the one she does with her arms thrown up in the arm as if embracing all that the world has to offer, sure I had no Leonardo DiCaprio behind me but it did not matter. I am lucky and blessed just as I am. I had a good giggle at myself.

Someone told me you have to ‘Love like you have never been hurt.’ I thought it sounded impossible but you know it is true. Love is always a risk but it is so worth every minute. I know how truly wonderful it can feel and how it is everything they say it is and more.

So this is my letter to the Universe

Dear Universe
You know how lonely I feel at times and how much I would love to share this great joy I have for life with someone else. I know that I have the ability to draw people to me. Please help me to see what I can give to them and what they need. But until I find the one that is ready for all of me, my big emotions and chaotic life, please guard my heart, but never so much that I miss the chance to risk all for love.

From
Sally-Jane