I overheard Rachel asking my dad if the world was made of opposites. Then they discussed big and small, fast and slow etc. Listening to their happy chatter my brain went off on a totally different track. It is so easy to be black and white about things when you are 5, there are still absolutes. In a kids world things are usually one thing or another. As I get older though there seems to be a lot less black and white and a hell of a lot more grey.

Is the opposite of good, bad? Is it always that clear cut? I am sure you have all heard a story of the girl/guy who broke up with your friend ( or maybe even you) and then a few weeks later they were dating someone else and our usual response is to be mad and wonder: How could they be so insensitive? Did the other person not mean anything to them? We sympathise with our friend and say bitch/bastard and lots of head shaking goes on.

But because life is so seldom black and white, what happens when it is you? When you are the bad one. So I blogged about the relationship with Aequitas ending and as much as he was a fantastic person and he gave me so much, I healed and grew and relaxed with him, there was nothing I could do to stop it not being right. I tried to ignore the niggly feelings but I could not. It was never my intention to hurt him – I was told intentions are meaningless and maybe that is true. But relationships come with risk and I truly did not picture the end like it was at all.

But, and there is always a but in a grey world, an unexpected turn. There is a friend who has stood by me through a lot of stuff, someone who effortlessly gives me energy and knows what to say, when. I liked him the first time I met him ages ago but never thought the feelings were returned. We had been twitter friends before that and started chatting after I needed computer help as always. We get on like a house on fire. Well the timing was bad to discover feelings for each other straight after I had just ended a relationship. We decided not to pursue it. But sometimes no matter how hard you try things just grow and I think because we have been such close friends for so long, the rest just happened so easily.

So there you have it, I am that girl. The one who is dating so soon, the one who must have a heart of stone and not care for the person I ended it with – well actually no, nothing could be further from the truth. Just sometimes life happens, feels grow even when they should not. Hate me, bad mouth me, think I am crazy and irrational and mad for following my heart so soon. But as much as I knew things were not right before, I know that they are this time. I have never ever felt this way about anyone before.

I ended the relationship with Aequitas and I am so very very sorry that I hurt him, he did nothing but support and love me and give me the freedom to be me.

But somthing in me just could not cope. I am not good at being alone and yet there are so many things in my life pulling me in 100 different directions that I felt I was just not able to cope with the relationship on top of everything else.

I am not sure the need to learn to be alone thing is totally true, but i do need to make sure that I do not hurt someone else like this again becasue I am not in the right head space. But I know that I am a people person, I get my energy and recharge with people around. So maybe single and surrounded by support is that way that I have to go for a while. Who know! Least of all me.

I hate hurting people.

The female2female blog challenge this week is 10 things. Any 10 thing. Laura did  10 thing she wants to do before she dies, but I sort of did that in this post so I decided to be scare you all away with soppy. Damn I can’t believe you all survived my emo and now the soppy. I am truly sorry but here goes

10 things I love about you

1. You are intellegent and I love talking to you, we have such interesting conversations, you never make me feel dumb even when I don’t know much about a topic.
2. You send me an sms when you go to bed, which is always after me, so when I wake up in the morning I get to read that you love me and reminding me to do my sit-ups.
3. You support me as a mom and tell me I am doing a good job and how loved my kids are, you understand how I want to do things and the sense of failure I have not quite being where I would like to be.
4. You believe in me, you offer support and are so willing to help, but you tell me how you know with or without you I can do it. You don’t need me to feel dependent and understand how important it is for me to feel a sense of financial independence.
5. You are flying up all the way from CT just to help me drive down with the kids.
6. You do not want to change me in anyway, I feel no pressure to be anyone but myself.
7. You are willing to be involved with the kids and help me but honest enough to say it you need time out for a while.
8. You like being silly with me and I love how much we laugh when we are together.
9. You are following your dream and love what you do
10. You look into my eyes and I know that I am loved.

They arrived today, how gorgeous are they!
Thanks Janine and thank you The Chocolate Club

I so badly want to share them with Aequitas that I promised I would wait until he was here again and we could enjoy them together – what have I done?!?!?!?! How on earth am I going to wait with these around? Anyone know how to wire jaws closed?

So after that rather long preamble what I am going to write about is a tad soppy so feel free to skip the nausea inducing text that follows.

I was with my ex for 8 years and never once did he ever say that he loved me, in fact I don’t think he really truly loves anyone in this world but his daughter. I convinced myself that I was not the soppy type and that I did not really like pet names, holding hands and all the other signs of affection. I can’t only blame my ex I think I was like that with a lof of my previous partners, maybe not quite as bad but still. You see I am a very very physical person, I love to be touched but I come from a rather emotionally reserved family so there is the dicotomy between what I know through habit and upbring and my natural tendency to want to be emotional, touchy and rather soppy.

Would have known that I would become a ‘get-a-room’ kind of gal, that I would love holding hands and being called “Love” would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? I never knew feeling loved by someone in an uncomplicated normal way could feel so good.

There are times when I think that my reserved upbringing, and not being used to be loved in a relationship, makes me occasionally draw back, retreat and try sabotage things. I am good at that, I am good at breaking relationships, but this time, this time is different! I do sometimes transfer my weight onto the back foot as I contemplate turning on my heels and running. But I stop myself and I look at what I have and why I want to run and I realize that my own sense of self worth is often to blame. My own sense of ‘oh shit, my life is way too complicated for anyone’ (Please do not think that I was not loved as a child, I was very loved my parents are just not very physical towards each other so it is not something I have seen as a child.)

But then I get the sms that make me smile all the way to the inside of me, the ones that fill a place so deep inside that I did not know it was empty. I feel loved but never caged, anchored but never bounded. Aequitas loves me, he believes in me and most of all he allows me to be as independent as I need to be. He know it is important to me, he knows I need to security of feeling I can manage on my own, but I only have to ask and he is more than willing to help. If I want to move very heavy bookcases and he says “go for it,  if I was there I would help you but I know you can do it , I believe in you.” Sometimes I do silly forgetful things like leave my car open with the keys in the ignition whileIi go into the shop, he never makes me feel stupid he just says – “try remember becasue I worry about you, you are special to me.”

The distance is hard, but I think it helps me to get used to being loved and to know that it is something I really want. I miss him when he is not here and I can’t wait to tell him things and share the arb details about my day. Besides we both love the Pac-Man bookcase!

One of the things that I think heals me the most is not only being loved but learning to love back and seeing how good I can make someone else feel too. The circle of love.

I googled pet name and while most of the name on this list still make me feel a little queasy, I am learning

So pet names: bring them on!

1. Last beverage ~ Red espresso and apple juice ice tea ( I am trying to cut back on my coffee addiction)
2. Last phone call~ Barbara it is her birthday!
3. Last kiss~ 2 seconds ago
4. Last song you listened to~ 30 seconds to Mars – the Kill
5. Last time you cried~ Friday night, was cut deep by a friend

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ Yes
7. Been cheated on? ~ Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it ? ~ No
9. Lost someone special? ~ Yes
10. Been depressed? ~ Yes
11. Been high? –> Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink _ no brainer there
13. Green
14. Orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ Yes
16. Fallen out of love ~ No
17. Laughed until you cried ~ Yes
18. Met someone who changed you ~ Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ not yet, there is time
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ No, I have awesome boyfriend for all my kissing needs

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ I have 2
24. Do you have any pets ~ we share my parents dog
25. Do you want to change your name ~ I changed it from just being Sally to include my second name Sally-Jane
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ was in England for my sisters wedding – my friends made a big fuss of me
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 5:30
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ I can’t actually believe it but I was actually sleeping which is so unusual for me
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ ART
30. Last time you saw your father ~ just over a week ago, he is in the US at the moment, usually see him everyday
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ financial independence
32. What are you listening to right now ~ 30 second to Mars
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ Yes used to work with a Tom
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ i know this is silly but compared to the place I was in my life a while ago things are so much better that I think my tolerance to silly annoyances is higher.
36. What’s your real name ~ Sally-Jane
37. Relationship Status ~ Dating awesome boyfriend
38. Zodiac sign ~ Gemini
39. Male or female ~ Female
40.Primary School ~ Glenstantia Primary school
41. High School ~ The Glen High School
43. Hair color ~ Pink
44. Long or short ~ medium
45. Height ~ 1,79cm
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ if a crush always mean unfulfilled then no, if it means feeling silly in love with someone then, yes
47. What do you like about yourself ~ I really care about people
48. Piercings ~ ears and belly button
49. Tattoos ~ YAY yes I have a lovely new tattoo, so happy with it
50. Righty or lefty ~ righty

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ tonsils 3yrs
52. First piercing ~ ears 11 I think
53. First tattoo ~ December last year my Guardian Angel Ankh
54. First best friend ~ Sandi
55. First Sport ~ running
56. First pet ~ dog
57. First vacation ~ Can’t remember
58. First concert ~ *blush*I think it was UB40 or Bon Jovi
59. First crush ~ no idea
60. First alcohol drink ~ can’t remember

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ just finished supper ( spaghetti and mince made by awesome boyfriend)
62. Drinking ~ nothing
63. I’m about to ~ play Torchlight with Rachel then put the kids to bed
64. Listening to ~ still 30 seconds to Mars
65. Waiting for ~ kids to go to bed

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ both
71. Shorter or taller ~ Tallerish as long as they are about my height or above
72. Older or Younger ~ depends
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ You are kidding right? I want spontaneously romantic!
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ Strong arms to hold me so I feel safe and loved
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ whatever they feel comfortable with not a make or break for me
76. Sensitive or loud ~ confident and funny
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ again confident and funny I don’t really want a trouble maker or someone who is hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ Yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ yes
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ Yes
82. cried in front of someone ~ yes
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes – still haunts me sometimes
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ no
86. Turned someone down ~ yes
87. Cried when someone died ~ yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no not like THAT, yet

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ yes if i don’t who will
90. Miracles ~ no, i believe that people can surprise us beyond our wildest dreams and touch our lives deeply
91. Love at first sight ~ Yes
92. Heaven ~ No
93. Santa Clause ~ No but there were snow footprint in my lounge on Christmas morning
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ I wrote this at the end of my blog about 2009
I know this one is a tiny bit soppy and I don’t believe in the religious icon kind of angel, swooping and swerving against a bright blue sky. My angels are down here, in the trenches, keeping me safe.

“Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!” Author Unknown

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i would love to see my friend Dimity in the UK and sit and drink vanilla rooibos
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ No
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever ~ Yes!
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ Love
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

I am not going to tag anyone just do it if you want to

This picture André took at dawn today really sums up all of the emotion attached to the first day of 2010.

The low cloud from behind which the sun is rising is so symbolic for me, 2009 was a difficult year but one that involved much self discovery and many changes that I hope will lead to better and bigger things in 2010. There is such a promise of light, dreams, fun, colour adventure new beginnings as the sun rises from behind the clouds at the start of this year.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t think I made any for this year and if you had told me at the beginning of the year this is where I would be I would not have believed you.
And yes I have a few i want to make for 2010

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Louisa had baby Nicola
feel like I am missing someone else so please let me know if I have missed a really big one?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
I came home to SA and that was the best thing ever, went to UK for sisters wedding but besides that just enjoying being back home.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A divorce!
Financial independence

7. What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
24 January – flew back to SA for a holiday
14 March – decided not to go back to the UK
28 August – a day that changed everything, things could have been very different, but I think it is better that they are not, I never again ever want to be in a situation like that again.
22 October – the offer, who would have thought it could lead to so much happy.
3 November – first time away from the kids, holiday in CT.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being strong enough to leave and discovering who I am in this process.

9. What was your biggest failure?
There are things I have done which I am not proud of and people that I hurt that I wish I could undo, but from all of it we learn.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I guess buying my own car was a good thing, but the best things were my boobs and tattoo.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends and family that supported me through this year – guardian angels
Aequitas for being so calm, dealing with my all over the place chaos and making me so happy.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I think the saying that there is nothing like a divorce for you to see who your friends are – is true.
There was one email about my blog that upset me a lot
My own behaviour at time really made me sad
Ex and I and the way we seem to always land up interacting with each other is not healthy, I really hope we can move past these roles that we so damaging in our relationship. I am as much to blame and I need to learn to react less and be calm in the dealings we have to have with each other for the kids sake.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Living expenses takes the constant flow of money the big purchases were car and boobs

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My boobs – gosh I really do go on about them a lot – forgive me but they have changed my life
ART – I am excited that it might actually work ( sorry to be cryptic about this one but all will be revealed soon)
my awesome boyfriend

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Who I was born to be – Susan Boyle
Just say yes – Snow Patrol

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Happier
Thinner or fatter? Thinner
Richer or poorer? Financially much poorer but emotionally much richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
You know this year I survived and that is really all that counts, I laughed when I could, I made awesome friends. I am not sure there are things I wish I did more of – maybe just sleep. I get very very little sleep. 3-4 hours a night is not really enough.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
The obvious ones are to wish you had worried less or worked less or been less sad but all these things shaped me this year.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spend with my family. For me it is all about the kids

21. How will you be spending New Year?
With Aequitas at a braai/house party in CT

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
yes

23. How many one-night stands?
pass

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
I don’t have a TV so I really did not watch much this year

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, too much effort to really hate someone all it does it take from you

26. What was the best book you read?
Now this is actually something I did wish I had done more of this year, I had very little time to read so, next time this year I hope I have a few to write here.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Just discovering music again, and it has been great. Aequitas put so much cool music on my PC. I really like 30 seconds to Mars and 3 Doors Down and funny enough Disturbed has grown on me. And of course rediscovering how much I like going head banging – just not the neck pain the next day.

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted boobs and am so happy with them
I wanted some happy – I got it just in time for the year to end

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted a divorce – not happened yet

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I did not actually watch that many but I liked D9 and Zombie Land was so out of my normal but it was fun

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32 this year, I was in the UK for my sisters wedding and my friend Ghilraen made it a really special day

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Financial security

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Gosh I am not sure i have fashion concept but this year I was a lot more me in my clothes and style. I am in love with Big Blue and can spend way way too much money in that shop, there are the coolest trousers there that i covet but can’t afford

34. What kept you sane?
My friends
and I guess, although it feels like they drive me mad sometimes, my kids gave me a reason to get up each day and carry on. I love them so much.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I still quite like Wentworth Miller

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I think social issues stir me more than politics, it is after all like George Orwell says just a different set of pigs.

37. Who did you miss?
Dimity
Ghilraen
My Home school group in the UK, it was lovely to have a group of like minded friends that all got on so well despite being so different.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Twitter and blogging means that I have met so many awesome people this year that have changed my life in so many ways, guardian angel, And of course Aequitas

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
being true to yourself is not always the most popular or easy way to go but it is well worth it in the end.

40. Quote that sums up your year.

I know this one is a tiny bit soppy and I don’t believe in the religious icon kind of angel, swooping and swerving against a bright blue sky. My angels are down here, in the trenches, keeping me safe.

“Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!” Author Unknown

Bring on 2010 – PHG

- Aequitas asked me to be his +1 to a wedding in January, it made me silly happy, I grinned a lot!
- We only wrote to Father Christmas yesterday but after Rachel had discussed her list with Wenchy on Sunday it was actually quite easy and I think I might even have most of the stuff.
- I found the Tattoo I wanted yesterday and am very very excited about getting it it will be my first one. I have always wanted to get one but just never knew what to get, as soon as I saw this one I liked it and it has so much meaning for me. I want it more on my right shoulder than in the middle. Sharon has agreed to go with me and take some pictures on Monday – Yipee!
- It is my Nanny’s last day today before Christmas and I am not sure how we are going to survive without her, I am not a tidy person, I am always surprised she does not quit. Rachel and I beaded a necklace and some bracelets for her but i need to go buy some other little presents
- I am not ready for Christmas
- The kids and I are going to Sponge Bob next week, we got some free tickets and I think they will enjoy it.
- I wish I had more time to read, I have a new book from Aequitas as I am really keen to get into it. I hope I will have some time during my holiday to Cape Town
- Sharon brought me some Progesterone cream yesterday to try for my terrible PMS cramps and very irregular cycle, I so hope it works. I can’t have to spend 2 days in bed every cycle and never know when it is going to hit as it can be 20 days or 42 days.
- With only one week in CT and lots to do it is a bit of a juggling act to fit everyone in and also get a chance to relax.
- I was going to drive the kids to Cape Town but my mom was just too worried about me doing the drive alone and as part of the trip is meeting with people to discuss a really big idea for next year, she suggested that I fly and that she would keep the kids at home.
- I get to spend New Year with Aequitas
- I love Christmas cake – just saying.
- Please tell me what sort of foot prints Father Christmas leaves in South Africa? We always did the flour in the shape of a boot in England but I am not sure Rachel is going to buy that in hot South Africa.
- My mom is in England and coming home next week with my Pink Docs – I am very excited.
- I worked something out with a friend and it feel so much better now. It had been really stressing me out before, it was what I wanted to write the blog about but I actually don’t need to now.

Right, I am off to the bank, shop and post office.