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17 JulHappy Birthday dear PHG blog

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Birthday,balloons I actually missed the day that my blog turned ONE, I was thinking about it for weeks before and then at the time it was just hectic as always and I forgot. I am quite sad that I missed it as this little space in the world has come to mean quite a lot to me. It has helped me through some very dark days and out to the other side where life is a lot better. I know that in the world of blogging me and my blog are but infants but we have loved every minute so far and hope to be having many more birthdays

I have always said I write because I have to, the word bubble up inside me and I need to put them down somewhere, but as helpful as writing alone is, a benefit I never realized would come to mean so much to me, is the amazing people I have met through my blog and the support people have given me. I know there are those that think the support from comments should not be taken too much to heart as people can type any little message and it does not replace genuine care and support, but I might just have been lucky in that so many of the people who comment here have become real life friends who do care about me and mine.

Emotions and life can often feel overwhelming as things happen at strange and unplanned times but blogging gives a place to get it all out and it is like having a safety net of people out there that just gently with their words and kindness carry you through the good and bad times.

To all that have read and commented over the year, thank you, you really mean the world to me. I know there are a few of you that read but do not comment often or at all, please keep coming back and maybe just now and again let me know you are out there with a comment or 2, i do so love comments ;-)

I have received criticism about my blog and about my choosing to share my world and emotions with others but no matter what others think I am proud of my little space in the world.

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10 JulProtected: The decision

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10 JulGreenwich Meridian

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I am at the Greenwich meridian, I have a huge decision to make and the sides of the meridian represent the options. I am jumping and changing from one side to the other. Backwards and forward over and over the thoughts tumble, getting no clearer with time. I feel so ill-equiped to make this decision, it’s like jumping between the two with the weight of an anvil on my back.

The thing about decisions is that one way or another they get made. Time means that things move forward and the decision will be made. I will in the end jump down on one of the 2 sides and take small tentative steps, moving me further and further from the alternative reality. I just wondered how often I will look back and wonder about the path not take.

The decision changes me, defines me and molds my soul, my being and the core of who I am. I just wish I knew the best way to make it.

Time marches on…

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29 JunMirror mirror on the wall

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Have you ever stood in front of the mirror with that sinking feeling of dread and disgust, wishing vehemently that the paper-bag-with-eye-holes-look was fashionable? Anything seems preferable over going out in public.

Mirrors, are after all just pieces of reflective glass that give us a unbiased, factual reflection. But our eyes are different. The reflection we see is so tainted by our past, that we seldom see what is actually here. Our baggage clouds our view and soon the mirror becomes a necessary evil that we endure, to do the daily tasks like putting the contact lenses in, applying the make up as fast as possible so the time needed in front of it can be kept to a minimum.

I think there are very few women, who actually like what they see. Magazines and airbrushed models set unrealistic goals for the mere mortal woman. A lot of us have wounds from the past; relationships, friends or family can inflict wounds that we carry with us. We have heard criticism over parts of ourselves, that we have no ability to change and we learn that, the way we are, is just not quite good enough. Over the years, the fog before our eyes grows, and the image we see is distorted. Until…

Until, we find a new pair of eyes staring at us and we catch a glimps of the reflection that they see. They see beauty, loving every part of us. Not expecting perfection, but their love is unwavering in the face of a bad hair day, a fat I-can’t-find-anything-in-the-cupboard day, and even the day your skin forgets you are 33 and not 15. You are loved for who you are, imperfections and all. In their eyes, the bits you hate are not so much over looked, but because the eyes see and love the whole YOU, they are totally insignificant.

And then, one day you get out the shower and look in the mirror, and you start to see what they see. Not perfection, but also not an image totally skewed by the fog of years of negative-self-speak. You see you through someone else’s eyes. It is a gift, and slowly the fog lifts. There are days that the habit of self loathing come crashing back, but then fridge magnet poems remind you to see what is there, and see what they see.

I only hope I am able to give the same gift.

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18 JunFather’s Day Dilemma – the modern family

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It is Father’s Day on Sunday. Which reminds me I must get a little something for my dad to take with us to Pretoria next week, I have the best dad in the world, but I digress. I have not really said anything about Father’s day, just that they need to make some cards for their dad who is in England. Rachel has been asking when Father’s day is since it was Mother’s day. She wants to buy Yme a present and make him breakfast in bed. She knows he is not her dad, she says he is like her step dad. He is very careful to tell them that he is not their dad. Yme thinks I should tell her that we can’t do Father’s Day with him, but I am not sure. The reality is that they see him on a daily basis and he is an important person in their life.
What do you think?
Those who have mixed families with step parents and new relationship what do your kids do on Father’s day?
On this note I am also not sure what to do about Caleb and his dad. They have not seen their dad since last year June when Callie was only 2. He has not been that good at speak on the phone obviously because he is so little. They do Skype although we have not been able to recently with the connection and internet problems. G phoned Caleb on his birthday but he would not speak to him. I know that it really upset G but I am not sure what to do. He would not speak to my sister either when she phoned him that day. People he has not seen for a long time from the UK he is reluctant to speak to on the phone. He does not like the phone much at the best of times
How much is it my responsibility to make sure they have a relationship? I could say that it is his choice not to see them and to work in the UK and that seeing them is more important than getting a British Passport which is his main goal, and he could say I took the kids away and he has no money to come see them and that it is my fault he does not see them, but blaming each other back and forward is not going to help heal the relationship between father and son.

When we have Skype I will make sure they Skype more, I will get him to make a Father’s day card for G. I thought maybe I should get a photo from him and put it in the kid’s room? Maybe I could ask G to email them with pics of where he is and what he is doing, so they can get a better idea and see more pics of him? Any other ideas? Or do I just leave it and let them work it out as he gets older?

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17 JunWe were the fat kid

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Today I tweeted : You support your country like you would if your kid was the fat kid in a race with no chance of winning. You would not walk out on your kid!

I am really sorry to use such a non-PC analogy, but I hope you will forgive me and see the sentiment. I am a parent so it was just what naturally sprung to mind. I watched the game yesterday, along with millions of South African supporters, and at the end I had a very heavy heart, but not because we lost.

Last night we were like the fat kid turning up to run the 3000m at the big inter-school athletics day. Let’s face it. We’re ranked 83 in the world, playing a team who is ranked 16! When you are the parents of the fat kid, you know that they are really not in it to win it. Yes there is always an outside, blind chance but that is not the point. You are there to watch and support them because they are YOUR kid (team). Everyone loves a winner, it is fun to support the winner but it’s the underdog that needs the extra support. They need to know, no matter if they finish the race long after all the others, or if they come in 3 goals behind, that you are still there for them and proud of the way they played against all odds.

I am not going to talk about the bad decision from the referee, off sides, red card, fair or not. But that WAS the moment the wind was knocked out of our boys, who were so out-ranked,yet knew they had the hopes of a nation on them. I am not a football expert by any way shape or form, but I am a mother. I know that to support, means to stick by your kid and your team through the good and the bad. Yes, the game did not go our way, but I am not one tiny bit disappointed in our boys, they turned up and they fought with heart, they were the fat kid and yet they played until the end. I was (and am) however disgusted when the unthinkable happened, the supporters started to walk out! I am furious at every fan that lifted their butts off their seats and walk out on their team. There is no excuse. You let the fat kid run the home straight with no support, and for that I am sad to be amongst those who “call” themselves SA supporters. I only hope the boys know how many of us love their guts and their willingness to try and to play for a country who has pinned hopes on them against all odds.

Imagine you were the fat kid, unrealistically, blindly, expected to win. And your parents walked out when you didn’t! What hope do we have for unity and support for our fellow South Africans if we are so quick to turn our backs, when the going gets tough?

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15 JunDear Blog please forgive me

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My poor neglected blog, I have missed you so much, the number of posts I have written in my head and then not managed to get out has been eating me from the inside. Writing keeps me sane, Yme I promise to try write more and put the crazy woman away again LOL.

Oh my word what did we do before the internet? I am an extrovert, not in the sense that I need big crowds or that I need to be the center of a huge party but in the way that I draw my energy from people. I like to be around people and talking and feeding off them as my one friend put it. So for me to have moved and have no internet is like torture. I love my kids endlessly but they can be a real drain on my energy when I have little other interaction during the day. So the move to Cape Town has meant not only less of my friends around but also no internet has cut me off from my on line support. I am not sure I realized quite how much I needed the people I chatted to on twitter and those who’s blogs I read and using my own blog to chat to others and get my thoughts out.

A few little hiccups have meant that we have been rather challenged in the getting internet.
- Helkom who said we could have a ADSL line no problem when we got the phone line now suddenly have no ports and will not be putting any more infrastructure in place before next year! If you ask me they have so over stretched themselves with the World Cup that they have no more money for the basic stuff. Having no internet and an on line business is not very helpful
- so the next obvious choice is Wireless, we called a few places for a site survey and guess what, luck would have it was have 2 big ass trees in that directly block the 2 hills that the antenna are on that transmit the signal, so that is not an option.
- 3G it is then for now, but we are both MTN and this is a crap signalk area for MTN so we have to get a vodacom card Ricca it and try use it that way, easy? No not quite, have you ever tried to change yiour address before one of the suckers will give you an address change, no i can prove my address with a bill before on of you will give me a bill with my address!!!
- On top of that my cell phone that I could tweet with got stolen, it was one of the worst things, it was given to me as a gift by an amazing person that I am not allowed to name and it is so much worse when a gift gets stolen than something you bought yourself, I was gutted.
- Then my lap top broke
- The home phone broke

It was basically just an all round communication technology fail. I now have a new pink laptop, a new HTC Desire phone, we have a new home phone and have resigned ourselves to 3G, although the fight with the parasite, I mean para-statal Telkom. continues!

The communication front has not been great, and the move has been a big adjustment for the kids however I know it sounds corny but I am loved.
I throw wobbly and I am loved,
I have PMS and terrible cramps that double me over and I am loved and looked after,
I go to a parenting forum get together and Yme comes with me.
I am getting used to the fact that he wants to do stuff with me and that he is not going to shout at me and that he actually likes to help organise stuff and shop for the house.
He likes having people over. He might not be an extrovert like me and he needs space alone but he knows my need for people and he accommodates that. He never makes me feel guilty for wanting or needing people.
He tells me he loves me, he even whispers it to me when he thinks I am asleep and can’t hear.
He loves me just the way I am.

I have missed you all, what has everyone been up to? I hope to be here more from now on. I have also started a blog for the kids for their news and home school stuff. www.pinklets.wordpress.com which I hope to be able to update a bit more now that we have some internet albeit not the best fastest or cheapest.

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17 MayShow your best side

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So many of us hate photos of ourselves. I know I do, I find it so difficult to see what other people see in the same photo. We sees the tiny flaws that others may not see and we have a whole range of things that impact the way we view ourselves. Sharon took a really nice photo of me other day and i thought it might be fun to do a blog challenge where you have to blog 5 pictures of yourself that you really like, and say 5 things you like about yourself. Then nominate 5 other bloggers to dig into their photo collection and lets share our better side. It can be so hard to appreciate ourselves but I think it is health to find things we like about ourselves.

the picture Sharon took
pink hair

Yme took this one on the road trip – it was a really happy time
pink hair

My first trip to CT as PHG, Andre took this pic at Cape point
pink hair

Jeanette took this at the Ladies on Lunch on Jhb.
Photobucket

I love this one of the kids and I that Marc took
mothers day

5 things I like about me:
- I am not afraid to be different ( I love my pink hair) but I do things because I want to and they feel right to me rather than just to be different for different sake
- I am very fond on the new boobs and I am proud of the old ones for breast feeding 2 kids
- I have quite nice legs although the thighs and bum have spread a little over the years.
- I like my hands, they are not the strongest or the prettiest but I genuinely like helping people and they make that possible, I will go out of my way for my friends.
- I like my mouth, I love being kissed and I love the words and the power of words that my mouth gives me the chance to say, if I could just get my brain to slow down and be more consciously aware not to interrupt people. I know I do it but I never realize it at the time.

I nominate Sharon, AcidicIce, Angel ,Jeanette, Laura

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13 MayTMI and a question

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Before the road trip I wrote a post Girl’s don’t pooh about the difficulties of certain bodily functions happening, knowing other people are around. Well needless to say moving in with someone posses new challenges on this front. The kids think that it is totally hilarious that as soon as Yme goes to work in the morning, I disappear into the toilet with my book. Weekends are a whole different story, so far I have managed to go when he has been out, or when the shower or bath is running. The problem being that my stupid anal sphincter knows that it is trying to be conned into working when someone else is around. When I really want to get done as fast as possible and therefore have the least chance of detection, it takes ages!

Yes TMI I know, sorry. Of course it does not help that Yme is a stealth toilet goer, no sound, smell, fart, plop NOTHING! The door close the only sound is the seat going down rather than the usual pee noises and then nothing, silence, toilet flushes and you would be non the wiser ( sorry my love, now I am sharing your TMI too, the dangers of dating a blogger)

All this got me thinking about an article I read in a woman’s magazine once about whether women in a relationship should be comfortable enough around her man to do all the intimate grooming and toileting. The question was answered by 2 people one pro the openness and the other not. The woman pro said that it is a sign of a happy close relationship with total trust and the one anti said woman should keep some aloofness about the exact workings of her body and all the grooming required to keep things all neat and tidy, as this helps to keep the sex appeal higher if he does not have to witness the whole process, just the awesome end result.

My question is;

Ladies: Do you do all the grooming with your man around, or do you keep the shaving, waxing, plucking, scrubbing, face masks, blackhead removal, toe nail cleaning etc etc for times when he has no chance of seeing?
Men: do you mind witnessing the whole grooming process, or is it something that you would rather just enjoy the end result?

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11 MayCape Town: The good the bad and the winter

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So we have been here 3 weeks today and here is my low down:

raindrop bullet The first week and a bit the weather was wonderful which I think was good, it gave me a chance to settle in a bit, it also meant that it was dry when our stuff from Pretoria arrived.
raindrop bullet The rain has started, I am used to rain, I survived 4 years collectively in the UK. The difference here is that I can’t get the washing dry. In the UK it was cold enough to use the radiator to dry the clothes, here it just does not dry. So not sure what to do about it, my greener sensibilities make me hesitant to get a tumble dryer. Someone suggested a clothes horse and a fan, it does not have to heat the air so uses less electricity but is a bit slower – I wonder if it would work? Would certainly be kinder on the pocket.
raindrop bullet I can not actually fit all our stuff in, and am now tired of falling over stuff. So decided that the kids toys are going to be on rotation, they have way way way too many toys. They might actually play with some and have a better appreciation for them if they have fewer to focus on at a time. I am relying on the kindness of a friend with a spare room that can store a box or 2.
raindrop bullet Not having a garage is a challenge.
raindrop bullet All the Earth Babies stock is about to move in too ( for those who don’t know, I run an on line natural baby company and both Barbara and I moved from Pretoria where EB was always based. She has been sending stock from Port Shepstone but post is very slow from there and most of our suppliers are in Cape Town so it makes more sense for me to have the stock here.
raindrop bullet I think I need an IKEA booklet, yes I know I can’t get the stuff here but they always had good ideas about how to use space really well.
raindrop bullet All that said I love our little house, it is ours and it is happy. With a more manageable number of toys and a good shelving system we will be all set. Not to say that we were not drooling over the property magazine, despite the fact that unless one or both of us sells a kidney we are not moving anytime soon, it is nice to dream.
raindrop bullet Yme’s family is lovely and have gone out of their way to make us feel welcome. I am a very family person and it has been hard to leave my parents in Pretoria, so having another family the kids and I feel so comfortable around is a huge help. We even left the kids with his mom and brothers for most of the day on Saturday when we went shopping for a stove and the kids loved it there. Both of them like his mom and I suppose the fact that she has had 4 kids and is very relaxed with them helps.
raindrop bullet We have a stove and oven, Yay!! It came yesterday and Yme installed it last night,so we baked celebratory cup cake today.
raindrop bullet I hate housework
raindrop bullet I have an awesome vacuum cleaner that is like a transformer, it folds up all really small and then click, click, click it all folds out and looks cool – well as cool as a vacuum cleaner can possibly look, and it make the task ‘almost’ pleasant.
raindrop bullet my sister is in labour and soon I should have a niece or newphew, can’t wait to find out. When I asked Caleb on the weekend if it was a boy or girl he said it was a birl. Typical boy hedging his bets.
raindrop bullet Did I mention the fact that it rained a bit here, and I have been told that these are just the autumn showers and mid-winter it gets even more wet. The prospect is a little grim. So far I have tried to hang washing out a couple of times when the sun was shining only to have it get wetter than before it was hung up.
raindrop bullet I was a sulky bitch today when my favourite picture that I was taking to get re-glassed (the glass broke when it was moved back from the UK and I had not gotten around to fixing it which was a good thing as it would probably just have broken again now in the move down here) got wet and blistered in the rain, it was not raining when I left the house and on the short walk down the drive to the car the heavens opened. I then could not fit the picture in the boot so it had to go in the back and the kids moaned that they had nowhere to put their legs, well to be fair they didn’t really. The sulky bitch part – I phone Yme and told him I was not in love with Cape Town today. Shame he let me moan all about his beloved city. And no I am not telling anyone how much the glass and new mounting is costing. I am just hoping that Matisse’s naked ladies did not come to too much harm
raindrop bullet We were driving along on Saturday with Table Mountain in front of us and I just could help smiling and thinking “I live here” I know plenty of people who have always lived here take it for granted but I hope I am always awed by it and never get to the point of taking it or granted.
raindrop bullet I want a womery, it is killing me to throw all our compostable stuff away. I know we can’t really have a garden but I can feed the pot plants that I am planning to have soon and give the rest to our friendly neighbour who has a nice garden. On that note, what herbs grow here in the Cape winter?
raindrop bullet We need a couch, we saw one on the gumtree we might get. I think it will help me think of it more like a home when people have somewhere to sit.
raindrop bullet My gran lives in Somerset West and Rachel and I got to see her for Mother’s Day. I am glad that I am closer to her and can see her more often. I must phone her tomorrow and check if she needs shopping.

So I found this little precipitation graph to cheer myself up – the worst is yet to come. But no matter how much I moan and even if I never ever get used to cold winter rain, I love Yme and our home and our life and would not trade it for all the sunshine in Gauteng.
cape town rainfall graph
Graph found on El Dorado Weather

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