The Date Dilemma

I might have stopped The Geek stalling on the proposal but setting the date is another story. Everyone asks me if we have set a date yet. ( please ask The Geek too so he feels some of the pressure)

Let me explain Pinky and The Geek a bit to you, and why the date is turning into a bit of a drama

Pinky
I am impatient, once I know or need to do something I want to throw myself into it and get started and make it happen. Let me give you an example.

I would have gotten married this coming Wednesday the public holiday, which would have been 3 weeks after the proposal. It made perfect sense, my sister was still here from England, Ghilraen would have been able to combine a trip she need to do to CT, Catherine would still be in Cape Town, the weather is still good and what better way to not spend too much money than just not have enough time to spend it 😉 and being a public holiday our anniversary would always have been a holiday. SO you see I am hasty and often impulsive and can make just about anything sound like a good idea. But no one would have slept and we all would have been very cranky and rushed.

The Geek
The Geek is infinitely patient. He is sure that 2014 well if he is honest 2015 sounds like a good time. I try not to feel too hurt and take it as a sign that he is reluctant or dragging his feet, no The Geek is more complicated than that. He needs things to be perfect he likes to plan things and not to rush. He also hates feeling like he is doing things to other peoples agenda so the more people ask the less inclined he is to set a date. So while making sure that stuff is right is a good quality it can also lead to never doing anything because it is not the perfect time.

All this has a rather disastrous effect on Pinky who hates not knowing, even if it is not going to be on Wednesday ( yes I realize it would have been a bit silly) and even if it is later than I would have liked, I function better if I just have something to work towards. But the more I try just sit down and discuss it the more The Geek evades the topic so the more I try another chance to talk about it and after 5 or so of these conversations that go no where the Geek is feeling pressured and I am feel avoided and hurt so I get more anxious just to get it done and he gets more determined to wait even longer.

*Le Sigh* I think Pinky and The Geek have some lessons to learn. This is what marriage is really about after all, learning to understand why the other person acts the way the do and try to find a middle ground that works for you both.

I am going to carry on Pinning things and hopefully getting more ideas and I am going to not talk about it to The Geek anymore. I am going to try do this without any hurt feelings or sulking – no promises but I will try.

The Geek is finishing his degree and so is studying and I have to be mindful that he can’t really think of anything else at the moment and it will be a huge burden off us all when he is finished.


When you decided to get married how did you decide on the date?

22 thoughts on “The Date Dilemma

  1. We found a Wedding venue we liked, decided we’d like to get married in October of the following year. (lots of sunshine but not too hot and a slim chance of rain) We then asked the venue what dates they had available during October and booked the one we liked best. Simple

  2. i was in a similar situation where i needed to get the ball rolling, and it seemed like Peter wasn’t as focused, and would also get annoyed that i wanted to sort it all out, and i got annoyed that he wasn’t showing enough “enthusiasm” …
    what we found worked, for BOTH of us, is set a date NOW for a meeting where you and he will spend a designated amount of time sorting out a specific topic.

    So, for eg, tell him today that on wednesday, at 10am – 11am you would like to talk about when the approximate date will be. Set a month and a year. That is it. But you MUST set a month and a year.

    Do these meetings with specific goals to accomplish… it worked well for us – I decided when the meetings would be, and what we needed to do. He wasn’t bombarded with wedding stuff 24/7… and we got stuff done, we made the decisions together and in time and we were both happy.

    good luck – it is rather stressful, can’t imagine 3 kids and exams in the mix too!

  3. Ah… setting a date. This is so open ended that, well ultimately that’s not really the question. 😉

    First make a list of everything that you require (venue, dress…) then a list of all that you wish to attend (mother, aunt… second cousin 19 times removed…). Now you’ve got a feasible plan.

    Okay, ultimately throw all of that out of the window and head to Vegas.

    My adventures in getting married saw me take my bride off to Gretna Green in Scotland… and did the whole elope thing. The day really was about us and nobody else. But it’s up to you what you want as to what will set the date.

  4. We had decided to give it a year from date of proposal (well, more mutual agreement rather than proposal). We had planned to do a Xmas ceremony in the UK as all his family is there and his dad was too ill to travel. Then his dad passed away so we decided to move it up and skip the UK ceremony. We thought that September sounded good and it’s my birthday month so we had the ceremony on the 24th (public holiday) and the reception on the 26th (my birthday). We wanted it to be on a special day so we could make a fuss but not a seperate day from something else as we celebrate the date we actually started going out as our anniversary and not the date that we signed some paper.

    My 2c: it has to be a mutual decision. People always say that weddings are all about the bride but there are two people getting married. You have to both be happy about the decision. Marriage (and all relationships) are all about the compromise :). But I agree that setting at least a month and year as soon as possible is important.

  5. I read somewhere that you must set a date 8 months to a year after the engagement. So maybe choose 3 weekends about 10 months from now, check that it is no other immediate familys birthday on those dates and give him the option of those 3 dates to think over, but give him a week to think about it. Think about the weather etc on that date, and what type of wedding you want. Otherwise, make it on you birthday, then it’s easy to remember.

    If I had to get married again I’ll do a beach wedding with 10 people.

  6. We never officially got engaged… We had only been together a few weeks when I fell pregnant with Megan and when we found out I was pregnant, I gave David his “Get Out of Jail Free” card then and there. So, when we agreed to stay together, it was kind of an unspoken agreement that we would eventually get married.

    Fast forward a little bit more than a year and I’m almost 6 months pregnant with Michael… It’s my 23rd birthday and we’re having lunch with David’s parents. David’s mom asks, “So have you two set a date yet?” for the bajillionth time.

    So I asked David what he’s doing the next weekend. Turns out we had a couple of busy weeks ahead but we got married exactly 3 weeks later.

    It was a small, intimate wedding and there were things about it that I loved. But in retrospect, I would have loved to have been able to invite all of my friends and to enjoy the planning process and picking out the decor and the menus and all of that stuff.
    And because money was an issue, we also never had a honeymoon. We got married on the Saturday morning and it was back to work as usual on the Monday.

    Next year, we’re having a vow renewal ceremony on our 10th anniversary, followed by the honeymoon we never had. 🙂

  7. Way back when I got married we decided to try and stick to our original dating anniversary which was spring day. It didn’t fall on a weekend so we just picked the closest Saturday to that.

    That gave us about 4 months to organise it and I was happy with that. I believe the longer you have to plan it the more chaos you can expect.

    If I had to get married again I’d elope. I’d have a really nice photo taken and send one to everyone I would have invited with the words, “Wish you were here!” scribbled on it.

  8. Well, having eloped…. lol I thought your idea of Wednesday sounds great.

    Noid asked me on Tuesday and we got married on the Friday, public holiday, 24th Sept. 🙂

  9. I’m sorry to read that the both of you are not on the same page with regards to time based things but yes, marriage is about understanding why the other person do what they do.
    Good luck and yes, keep pinning those ideas of yours. You will need them in the future.

  10. Well, we took the romance right out of it I’m afraid. I can’t even remember the date we got engaged but I think it was about 6 – 8 months before the wedding. My husband decided to take advantage of the tax laws at the time, where you pay less tax if you are married (the man at least) and you also get a refund for the entire portion of the tax year that you were single. So he decided that if we got married at the end of Feb he would get a refund for the whole year i.e. he was paying tax as a single man the whole year so they calculate the difference between what he would have paid as a married man and refund it. So we got married on the 27 Feb and he got his refund!!

  11. i also eloped..so i also thought wednesday was fab! we met on the 24th of december in hamburg- five days later i left having said yes- he came to visit me at home in feb- and we just decided to ignore every bodies outcry and went to freiburg – because its nice and got married there on the 24th of february 1998.. a while back
    i think that weddings are a tricky bit of bussines- as much as it worked for both of us, it really hurt our families and friend that we excluded them- and honestly while i would marry O in a hearbeat again i would try and accomodate my loved ones would i be able to go back and do it all over again.
    i guess as easy as it is to say for me- be patient, when does your lover boy finish his studies? – i also believe that everything happens at the its own time… and i hope you will get the date soon! xx

  12. Sally, following on from what Rene said about setting a date 8 months to a year after the engagement… Jan or Feb 2013 would be a great time for us to take another vacation to SA (and Ghilraen may not have left for England quite yet).
    So, there you, problem solved!!!

    PS – when will the Geek graduate??

  13. I love the idea of Wednesday 😉
    We set our date to coincide with Pauls sister’s return ticket to SA (they had just immigrated to OZ and also my brothers return ticket to SA (he had immigrated to Israel), just so happened that they both had to return before the end of Feb, about 1 year after we got engaged.
    As for the exact date, we knew it was going to be in Feb, neither one of us wanted a Valentines wedding (and it fell on a Friday so it was out anyway for a Jewish wedding) so we chose the middle Sunday of the month 🙂 12 Feb 2006

  14. We were engaged for about 2 and a half years. About the 10th of July we decided it was enough and wanted to do it sooner rather than later. We had a huge event to plan for early August so decided the 23rd of August sounded like a good idea. Gave us about 6 weeks to plan and do everything (with a big event in the middle) but I thoroughly enjoyed every minute. I agree that the more time you have the more chaos there is. Because of our time restrictions we had to make decisions and stick to it. There was no time to change our minds. Loved it!! I also chose to do everything myself (invitations, decor, flowers etc) and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Most fun ever!!

    PS. I also think Wednesday would’ve been fabulous!!

    Good luck!

  15. When I got married the first time we chose a date between our birthdays. He was the 17th I was the 21st and the 19th happened to be a Saturday the year we chose.

    With my 2nd, we basically chose a year from the time we made the commitment to stay together. It was a winter wedding!

  16. I’m still not convinced a timeframe is really all that important as I was able to plan a full wedding (not mine) in little over 5 weeks with the help of a friend. The most important part of planning however is putting time aside that has to be used to deal with X. Once planned, consider it done and move on.

    I’d have to say Michelle got it right. Not to mention the longer you have the more you’re likely to make changes along the way… chaos I tell you 😉

  17. Damn…I would have LOVED to read Sharon’s “controversial” comment! I think that the idea of getting married today would have been awesome. Less room for error and as you say it all would have just fallen into place. I was knocked up and then we decided to get married. There was no romantic proposal and we jointly decided on a date (for two months later. Personally, I feel that we should have waited.
    When do you want to knit again?

  18. We both knew what time of year we wanted it to be – we wanted to skip the rain and didnt want it too hot or cold – so we picked May.

    We both have a very specific idea of what we wanted and with the new business and everything we knew we just couldnt make that idea happen this year so set the date for next year – we will be engaged for just over 2 years and we are both ok with that.

    We arent in a hurry. We are more determined to have the wedding we want than rushing the date.

    We found the most incredible venue which has been paid for and we wouldnt have gotten it if we had wanted a sooner date.

  19. We wanted it to be a date where the temperature would not be over 90 (32.2) degrees (Mr. Daisy’s requirement) and there would be no risk of blizzards (my requirement). In my part of the world, that left about three weeks – some in May and some in September. Since it was late October or maybe November when we were deciding this, we went with a holiday weekend in September so there would be less pressure and the out-of-towners could have a little extra time.

    Last year I had two friends plan weddings in shorter amounts of time (2 months and 6 months) and both had really stressful experiences – not necessarily because of the time constraints (one was pregnant, the other was having issues with now-in-laws), but I think the time constraints probably added to the pressure. (On the other hand, the one with the in-laws would probably have gone insane having it last any longer than 6 months.)

    • I can see the pros and cons of both a quick wedding and taking more time.

      I am actually glad that we have decide on a date that is a little further away. We are planning a very DIY backyard wedding and the more time we have the more stuff I can make and get ready without too much stress. (more time for knitting) It also gave us enough time after The Geek finishes his exams for him to be as involved as he wants to be, he has all sorts of plans for things he wants to do to make the garden pretty.

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