I woke up on Saturday morning in tears, not a good way to start the day but in the end it brought closure on something that has been bothering me for ages. I had the most vivid dream about a friend being dead. I was really upset as we have been friends for a long time and even though things seem to have fallen apart recently, I really value this person. The problem is that I am not sure they feel the same. I feel like I am regarded with contempt which is not good for a friendship, feeling sub-intelligent is not nice.
My first thought was that I should make contact, email or something. Just try to say how much the friendship meant to me and maybe try pick up the pieces. What a realized, as I thought about it and as I spoke to someone who’s opinion I hold in very high regard, was that what I hoped to achieve by making contact and the probable reality were 2 very different things. I would just have to deal with more unkind words and explanations as to why I am not a nice person. Or I might just be ignored.
While good friendships always feel like something one should hang onto at all costs. But over time perhaps we grow in different direction or we do not get on as well as we used to. Letting go is hard, I hate to walk away but this time I think I have to.
Goodbye, thank you for the good times, the laughs, the meandering conversations and the times when it was easy to talk for hours. I will miss your friendship.