And D said

There many be quite a few of these as I mull over all the things that D said to me. Like I said, D’s mind is one that I want to take a walk in around and see how it works. He assures me I would not like what I see, but still it is a chance I am willing to take.

He made me think about stuff that I really did not want to. He was not willing to give me sympathy, I wanted have someone validate how bad I felt and understand it. He understood, maybe better than most as he knows me so well, BUT he would not allow me to wallow in self pity which is destructive to me. D is pragmatic, if something is not working for you do something to chance it. He does not deny it is hard he just would rather see solutions and even small steps moving you in the right direction rather than morbid wallowing. He said I needed a challenge to change stuff and not just a shoulder to cry on – he was right.

The here and now is what we have to deal with and there are small moments of joy to be had in the midst of sadness. It does not take the sad away and it does not invalidate it, it just lets you live alongside the sadness rather than let it overwhelm you. Today for example I stood in the sun this morning drinking my first cup of coffee, the sun was warm and lovely and in that moment, in the present – my body felt good. I just took the time to feel the sensation and enjoy it.

The other big issue I need to ponder on is locus of control – but that is for another blog, because the here and now says I am really tired so I am off to bed. And you know I can even sleep for the first time in ages.

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