So I fell in love and got my heart broken (shattered, pulverized, torn apart, add more painful adjectives here _____). The love I blogged a while back about never having felt before well it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not looking for it, in fact it was really not the best time in my life at all. But I guess no one tells your heart that it is supposed to be logical and choose its time to fall in love. The heart has motivation all of its own, that saying should be that a Heart rushes in where Angels fear to tread – rather than fools, but maybe the heart is foolish. Some one new just walked in and turn my whole life totally upside down
There was a moment this morning as I lay in bed unable to sleep that I wondered if it was better to be in a marriage where I did not feel love, at least you were insulated from the intensity of the pain when you loose love. My problem is that I have big emotions and they take over my world, I can’t do things in halves. I really wish I could. – All I want to know is when does the numb part set in, or if you feel this big do you just not get the pleasure of numb?
What did I learn:
- that I can love and that this amazing intense emotion is out there and that it is everything that they write, sing and make movies about and maybe even more.
- that love is not rational and that it comes when you least expect it and that you can’t plan to do it or plan to avoid it.
- that love takes a lot a guts and that you have to be willing to risk a lot, I think the risk is worth it as long as you always stay true to yourself.
- that I can be loved just as I am.
- but the biggest lesson I learnt was that saying I will never settle is worth sticking to, I need to be loved enough that I am someone sun, moon and stars, they have to be willing to fight for me, make the unpopular decision to be in my world. And if they can’t love me enough for this then the fault is not mine, it was not that I was not good enough it was that they did not love enough or have the courage to go with their heart.
- I want to say that I learnt it was worth waiting for the one that will love me this way but through the heart ache at the moment love feels like something that I need to avoid for a while.
I blogged yesterday about wanting a safe place, wanting and needing strong arms to hold me – well I never got it. One day I will, one day I will find my safe place and those strong arms that help to hold me up.
I got 3 things yesterday:
1) I got 2 amazing friend who literally held me up. Laura is my rock at the moment and her kindness and help is just what I need, the other person I have never even met, they just were on line at the right time and offered more support and help then I think they will ever realize. They stood in the hurricane of my emotions and literally helped me take the next breath when it felt like the pain was just too much to be able to breathe.
2) And then I got to go on, to be a mom because for 2 little people I am their world and they need me to cope. I don’t get to melt down.
3) And then I got boxes.
Our shipping arrived yesterday from England and while it seemed like the worst time in the world it was a good distraction. Even though I can’t really lift or do much I can open and slowly one thing at a time create some order in our little world. I can give my kids the joy of discovering their toys again and I can create a little world for us – maybe for now I just have to make ‘safe’ for myself.